It's almost summer and
my head is awash with thoughts. But the primary
one is: "slow down."
I
was counseling a client the other day at my
office—it was our fourth session—and she was 15
minutes late and then talking a mile a minute as
has been her pattern so far. Stress oozed out of
her every pore. It was like looking at a mirror. I
saw myself. I noticed I was feeling stressed just
listening to her. Is this how I sometimes appear
to others? I felt sadness and, then, compassion. I
let her vent a little more and then, as if she was
expecting me to interrupt or offer some advice,
she eventually stopped talking and got quiet and
still. I just looked into her eyes and offered a
soft, reassuring smile.
I
could sense a well-spring of emotion rising up in
her. She broke the silence with a short
"explanation."
"I
know I'm scattered today, all over the map. It's
just that I have all these things to do—it's
busier than normal and, as usual, I have to do it
all myself."
Boy,
could I relate. It was as if this client had been
sent to me right here, right now to show me
myself.
She
further shared: "I'm not a good delegator. I'm the
one everyone relies on. I'm the one who handles
all the emergencies."
This
client, a 53-year old suburban wife, mother of 3
teenagers, had just been arrested for shoplifting
six months ago. It was her third arrest in about 5
years.
Finally,
I offered a statement I could have just as well
been saying to myself: "So, you handle all the
emergencies until you become an
emergency."
She
initially shot back: "No, not really. No." But
then she got quiet again and relented: "Yes, I see
what you're saying."
I
went further: "So, your shoplifting is likely a
built-up response to the pressures of your life.
It's a clear warning sign that you need help. But
who helps you? Your kids don't know. Your family
doesn't know. And your husband knows about your
arrests but not about your pain inside? Who helps
you?"
"Nobody,"
she said. "I help me."
I
debated whether to press further and decided to do
so. "I applaud you for coming to therapy and I
know this is a process for you. But I feel the
need to point out to you—without criticism—that
you seem to have come to therapy because it was
court-ordered, you've been late, you are reluctant
to attend our local C.A.S.A support groups, and
you have told me that you haven't even opened my
book "Something for Nothing" in the last month
because you've been too busy. What do you think
this indicates?"
She
was silent for a few moments. Then she said: "I
guess I just need to do what I need to
do."
I
then suggested: "It would be even better if you
wanted to do it. You're real good at doing
what you need to do for others. It's harder to do
what you need to do for yourself. And it's even
harder to want to do what you need to do
for yourself. When you want this way of
living to stop, when you want to understand
what's making you tick, when you want to be
a different person, then something will begin to
shift. In the meantime, I'm afraid you are headed
for another 'close call.'"
Again,
I could have been talking to myself. I've had a
number of "close calls" of late. My cholesterol
began to rise dangerously before I finally got
serious about diet and exercise and medication for
it. My marriage of nearly 6 years went through
another rocky time a couple of months ago which
prompted me to get back into therapy and to take a
harder look at my "workaholic" tendencies. A month
ago, I had my car towed because I was running
around too much and fell back into my "addictive
thinking"—trying to get something for nothing in
the form of free parking. And just a week ago, in
my "energizer bunny" mode, I had a lapse of
carefulness while power-washing the windows of my
home too close to a cardinal's nest in a nearby
pine tree which may have resulted in the new-born
chick falling to its death. Close calls. Wake-up
calls.
I
recognize that most of us, for better or worse,
need to have some close call or wake-up call
(sometimes, several of them) in order to be ready
for change. Nearly 90% of my clients contact me
after a close call or wake-up call. It could be an
arrest, a firing from a job, a threat of divorce,
or a nervous breakdown. Indeed, when I hit my
bottom in 1990, it was the suicidal feelings and
fear of following through that finally prompted me
to get help. And, I recall, I didn't initially
want help but I knew I needed it. Eventually, my
needing help evolved into my wanting help—just as
I do my best to view ongoing recovery as an
opportunity rather than a burden. The same thing
has finally shifted around my cholesterol, diet
and exercise. Of course, an awareness of needing
and wanting help or change isn't so bad
either.
Close
calls, wake-up calls. Sometimes, as they say:
"It's always darkest before the dawn." My
middle brother--who is turning 37 this year and
has a son who's almost 7—has seemed to turn a
corner in his life in the last month. After 12
years of waiting tables, having a variety of ups
and downs, and being pretty negative and
closed-minded to matters of personal growth, he
recently hit his own bottom after 4 months of
being off work and floundering. I honestly worried
for a while that we might lose him. He got a new
job in sales, is working 9-5 for the first time
since I can remember, and is as upbeat and
motivated as I've ever seen him. He's even talking
about "The Secret" (the book and DVD on "The Law
of Attraction")—about how "like attracts like" so
positivity attracts positivity and negativity
attracts negativity. For the first time in a long
time, I have my middle-brother back. (I got my
youngest brother back in 2004 when he got into
recovery). I hold the space for his journey to
continue on a good track.
Speaking
of track, as a sports fan, I've been watching my
Detroit teams and other teams come down to the
wire in the current NBA and NHL playoffs. The
suspense is killing me! With the 2008
Olympics nearly upon us, it will be a game of
inches and milliseconds between a medal and no
medal, winner and loser. Close calls, no cigars.
Finally,
last night I watched the new HBO movie "Recount"
about the 2000 U.S. Presidential election between
George Bush and Al Gore. It occurred to me that we
are living at such a crucial time of close calls
and wake-up calls. The 2000 and 2004 elections
were two of the closet in our nation's history.
The current race between Democratic candidates
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama is another
example of how evenly divided our country seems to
be. I wouldn't be surprised if the 2008 election
were a nail-biter as well. 9/11 was a wake-up
call? But did we wake-up or go back to sleep?
Global warming is a wake-up call? Higher gas
prices, higher food prices, war, and natural
disasters all bring opportunities to wake-up.
Is
there a way to relax this summer without totally
going to sleep? Life is fragile. We're all
interconnected. When will we wake up before it's
too late?
