Quotes of the Month
phrase 'working mother' is redundant.'"--Jane Sellman
Freudian slip is where you say one thing and you mean your
is the least of what makes one a mother."--Oprah Winfrey
love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved.
hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
--William Ross Wallace
strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws." --Barbara
Stats of the Month
following stats and facts are from the site:
are 2 billion mothers in the world (82.5 million in the U.S.)
average age of a new mom is 25.
moms average two kids.
of moms with children over 1 year work.
preschooler requires mom's attention once every 4 minutes, or 210
times per day.
first Mother's Day was celebrated on May 10, 1908 and made a national
holiday in 1914
Day is the busiest day for phone calls and mail: 68% of Americans
plan on calling their moms (122 million calls) and 50% plan on
sending cards--152 million of them.
My Mother. My
mother recently turned 73 years old and still has the energy of
someone far younger. My mother was my primary parent and role model
after she and my father divorced when I was about 11. My mother
started her own business around the same time I started my own--close
to 40! My mother has diverse interests and talents and has always
made family a central part of her life, our lives. She has a great
sense of humor and a big heart. She's always been supportive of me in
my personal and professional life.
the last few years, some events and conversations between us have led
us to a new and strange place of relative distance at times. However,
I don't doubt for a moment that my mother loves me. I am happy we
have both made efforts to hear each other and to respect each other's
views and feelings and have learned new ways to be in our
Mother's Day Mom. I love you. Terry
Book of the Month:
Way of the Happy Woman: Living The Best Year of Your Life
World Library, 2011 by
Sara Avant Stover)
yet to read this book but just ordered it on Amazon. I did read an
interview with the author in a wellness magazine and was impressed
with the author's clarity and wisdom. She speaks of having to shift
gears in her life some ten years ago in the midst of various health,
career, and relationship crises. This book describes the story of her
journey and how any woman might use it to find deeper and truer
book may be a great gift for any woman in your life. I plan on giving
it to my wife. In checking it out online, this 300-page book is
comprised of 21 short chapters, divided into five parts--four of
which are marked by the seasons of a woman's life: spring, summer,
autumn and winter.
iron Lady" (2011)
Directed by Phyllidia Lloyd.
just recently saw this film on DVD with my wife and my sister-in-law
and brother-in-law. You may recall that it was nominated this year
for Best Picture and that Meryl Streep who the Best Actress Oscar for
her portrayal of former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at
various points in her life. Her Oscar was well-deserved as she
literally disappears in her role.
Iron Lady" is a decent bio-pic and history film. It is also an
inspiring story for women or anyone else who comes from humble
beginnings, struggles against adversity and prejudice, and blazes the
trails for others.
was also struck at how the film correlated Thatcher's & Reagan's
elections in 1979 and how they each faced similar economic and cultural
challenges in their countries, served two terms, loved their spouses,
and fell victim to Alzheimers. Thatcher, however, is still alive.
film also highlights political and economic battles which mirror
what's occurring both in the US and in Europe at the moment.
our updated websites at: www.theshulmancenter.com
Shulman's books now in e-books
for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery
The Hand That Feeds: The Employee Theft Epidemic
Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping
Lives, Empty Souls: Stealing, Spending & Hoarding
SHULMAN CENTER THERAPIST TRAINING PROGRAM!
you're a therapist and wish to be trained/certified in the
assessment/treatment of compulsive theft, spending and/or
CONTACT THE SHULMAN CENTER NOW! See our website:
most recent testimonial:
began this training to be a better therapist to my patients by
becoming more familiar with compulsive shopping and hoarding. Upon
completion, I have learned to assess and treat not only compulsive
shopping and hoarding, but spending, shoplifting, kleptomania and
have learned about the employee theft epidemic as well. I was
unaware of the various categories within each of these disorders as
well as the many interventions and underlying causes for
I began this endeavor, I felt these categories were broad and all
encompassing. Throughout my training certification, Terrence
Shulman educated me on the various types of shoppers and spenders
and how family dynamics, generational themes, and childhood
experiences factor in the development of the behaviors throughout
life. The same holds true for shoplifting and hoarding. Mr. Shulman
provided me with the education on the difference between
shoplifting and kleptomania and how to assess and treat each one. I
became knowledgeable in the five different levels of hoarding and
how one may move throughout them; how it may be prevented and what
types of services are needed for each; probable timeframes to treat
and what one as well as one's family may expect.
I now have the tools and treatment materials to use with my patients
so that they may work on these compulsions and move toward a
healthier lifestyle, get a better handle on money management,
remove clutter from their lives and improve relationships.
Alfert, MS, NCGC-II
Renaissance Treatment Center
NW Beacon Square Blvd.
Raton, FL 33487
The Shulman Center on the move and in
11--Mr. Shulman was interviewed on local Detroit radio
station WXYT 1270 am about compulsive theft, spending and hoarding.
14--Mr. Shulman co-organized/co-presented at 2nd
Annual "Living Recovery in an Addictive World" conference
in Ferndale, MI
April 19/20--Mr. Shulman
presented on helping counseling clients with legal issues at the
Annual Michigan Social Workers Conference in Kalamazoo, MI.
26-29--Mr. Shulman was in the Los Angeles area on
business and visiting the Laguna Niguel and Culver City, CA CASA
(Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) support groups.
Shulman to appear on Anderson Cooper's daytime talkshow to discuss
shoplifting addiction (show taped 2/5/12).
12--Mr. Shulman to present at metro-Detroit monthly
Men of Today meeting on understanding and healing our mother
Shulman will have an article on compulsive theft, spending &
hoarding in Addiction Professional Magazine. See www.addictionpro.com
OF MY ISSUES?
Mother's Day upon us, I would like to note that from my personal
and professional experience over the last 20 years, this holiday
brings up some of the strongest emotions and often triggers
relapses into addiction. So be prepared and on guard!
The relationship between mother and child--no matter
how old we are--is likely the most important, primal and
fundamental relationship we'll have. I can't tell you how often in
my counseling practice that clients' "mother issues" are
at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems.
This is not to blame mothers, per se, as no mother is perfect. But
it is important for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best
to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier
relationship with our mothers whether they are actively in our
lives or not.
the most common reasons both men and women have mother issues
include the following:
mother died early in a child's life or committed suicide;
mother was addicted and/or mentally ill and was not able to be
physically and/or emotionally present and attuned to her child;
mother was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with her child;
mother appeared to favor one of her children over another;
mother needed rescue, help, or companionship and her child played
the role of partner or parent;
mother held unrealistically high expectations of her child and the
child became inauthentic to receive mother's love/approval;
mother was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward
mother had little natural or cultivated interest in being a mother
to her child;
mother betrayed her child's confidence in some way;
mother was "perfect" and modeled this in a way her child
felt unable to compete with;
mother was overly critical of her child;
mother was overly "smothering," domineering or
mother committed infidelity in her marriage & her child knew;
mother encouraged her child to tell or keep secrets;
mother broke the law and/or modeled dishonesty.
effects of the situations described above often result in
persistent feelings of neglect, abandonment, trust issues, low
self-esteem/self-worth, codependency/care-taking others, as well as
unresolved emptiness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Which of the
above issues seems to resonate with you? There may be many other
ways to express the wounds or conflicts that develop around our
relationship with our mothers than are listed above. Have you
worked through any of these issues or does it feel like you still
father died 19 years ago at age 53 (I was about 28 at the time) I
had just begun therapy to finally deal with my "father
issues." These also included deep anger, shame, and feelings
of abandonment due to his alcoholism, my parent's divorce which
left me as the man of the house at age 10, and the way he lived
much of his life--overweight, overspending, drinking and, finally,
getting sick and dying young. I remember going to grief and loss
support groups for two years after his death and feeling like I was
the only one stuck in the anger phase of grief while others mostly
expressed their sorrow. One member even asked me: how can you be
angry with a dead person?
didn't have the best role model for a father, I found myself
feeling ashamed to be a man, not trusting men or authority, and
quite confused about both women and what I wanted to do with my
life. Fortunately, I had a great therapist who encouraged me to
read books about men's issues and to participate in men's support
groups and retreats where I found I was not alone, began to trust
men again, and to see the positive aspects of men and authentic
interestingly, we rarely talked about or looked into our
relationships with our mothers. It's even been theorized that part
of the reason the "men's movement" of the 1990's petered
out was that we didn't know how to individually and collectively
deal with our mother issues and, so, we kind of hit a wall. At
least for most men, regardless of sexual orientation, our issues
with mother often are more subtle yet also more scary and
dangerous. This is why I'm presenting on mother issues on Saturday
May 12th at the metro-Detroit monthly Men of Today meeting in
compared to my father's more obvious failings, my mother was a
saint. But in the past few years, events had led me to come to the
conclusion that I had to deal with my mother issues, too. For me,
part of this arose in the context of my 10 year marriage to my
wife. It's not uncommon for men to have issues with their wives
that are, at the core, issues with mother or "the
feminine." How many men, when asked to do something by their
wives or face a perceived criticism, feel like a five year old
being ordered or scolded by mother and just won't take it this time
realized that I was continuing, at some level, to play the good son
role I'd adopted early on despite having made some earlier progress.
I had to learn to speak up more, share my feelings and truth and
risk my mother's love. I think we both needed to be knocked off our
pedestals a bit. It's been hard to confront my mother, stand up to
her--I've been so used to being her protector, her biggest fan. I
had to come to terms with my mother's (and my own) limitations in
our relationship. I'm learning to let go of that primal desire to
have "mommy" be there for me as I continue in adulthood
and it's my judgment that my mother has had to learn that I won't
always be there for her as I was in the past. It's been painful for
both of us but necessary, too.
I also am
slowly coming to realize, as my mother ages, that she won't always
be around: Mom is mortal. The question arises: what do I need to
say to my mother or feel in my heart so I can be as complete as
possible when she passes?
some reading about mother issues, talked to my wife and numerous
friends (who assured me they all had mother issues, too) and have
heard, as mentioned, how so many clients of mine struggle to heal
or transform their relationships to their mothers. Some of my
clients were sexually abused by their mothers. Some were literally
abandoned on the street. Some were criticized beyond measure (as I
believe my father's mother was to him). Some were deemed the
problem child, the hero, or some role they couldn't seem to shake.
client, a doctor, kicked and screamed throughout our therapy to
deny his relationship with his mother had much impact on his
stealing and repressed anger yet avoided talking to his mother who
telephoned him constantly. Finally, he conceded a bit and learned
the Herculean task of stopping avoiding his mother's calls and
simply set limits with her on the phone. Now, she hardly calls and
their relationship feels more at ease to him.
client continues to deal with her very religious mother who holds
judgments against her from the past and even testified in court
recently against her in a dispute with her ex-husband over
long for the perfect mother... and the perfect father. We all know
that no parent is perfect and even those of us who are parents
ourselves get to realized life's cruel joke: we often become like
our parents or at least learn to appreciate how hard it must have
been to them to raise us!
As we grow
up (and, hopefully, we do) we learn to differentiate from our parents,
need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and have compassion
for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they
likely were raised). But this doesn't mean it's easy. And it
doesn't mean we don't speak our minds our share our hearts.
it seems we look to Mom (or Dad) to be a safe space to share our
pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn't mean they
don't share their pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary
role of a parent is being strong and mature enough to absorb their
child's expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough
even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try
to see the gift in their child's courageous, if imprecise, offering
of their pain, their perspective.
I know we
are taught to honor thy parents. I can only say that when my wife
and my friends are able to hear my grievances and concerns without
attacking back or defending (and when I can hear them), it creates
safety and trust and deepens our relationships. I can't think of a
better way to honor each other.
context, wouldn't it be great if--this Mother's Day--instead of
cards and flowers, we could give the gift of honesty, our mother
could receive it lovingly, and we would return the favor?
HOW MUCH THERAPY IS ENOUGH?
Since it's founding in 2004, The Shulman Center has
taken pride in its brief therapy programs, especially our 3-month
(1x/week) or 3-day (5 hours/day/15 hour total) programs.
In a recent New York Times article "Is Therapy
Forever? Enough Already" by New York psychotherapist Jonathan
Alpert discusses when therapy goes on too long, hits a wall, can
begin to undo progress or lead to actual harm. He also cites
persuasive current research that shows brief therapy may be more
effective than longer-term therapy for many.
Here are some excerpts:
When might it be time to stop therapy? My therapist called me the wrong name. I poured out my
heart; my doctor looked at his watch. My psychiatrist told me I had
to keep seeing him or I would be lost.
patients tell me things like this all the time. And they tell me
how former therapists sat, listened, nodded and offered little or
no advice, for weeks, months, sometimes years. A patient recently
told me that, after seeing her therapist for several years, she
asked if he had any advice for her. The therapist said, "See
you next week."
started practicing as a therapist 15 years ago, I thought
complaints like this were anomalous. But I have come to a sobering
conclusion over the years: ineffective therapy is disturbingly
to a 2010 study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, 42
percent of people in psychotherapy use 3 to 10 visits for
treatment, while 1 in 9 have more than 20 sessions.
11 percent, therapy can become a dead-end relationship. Research
shows that, in many cases, the longer therapy lasts the less likely
it is to be effective. Still, therapists are often reluctant to
study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that
patients improved most dramatically between their seventh and tenth
sessions. Another study, published in 2006 in the Journal of
Consulting and Clinical Psychology, looked at nearly 2,000 people
who underwent counseling for 1 to 12 sessions and found that while
88 percent improved after one session, the rate fell to 62 percent
according to research conducted at the University of Pennsylvania,
therapists who practice more traditional psychotherapy treat
patients for an average of 22 sessions before concluding that
progress isn't being made. Just 12 percent of those therapists
choose to refer their stagnant patients to another
bottom line: Even though extended therapy is not always beneficial,
many therapists persist in leading patients on an open-ended,
potentially endless, therapeutic course.
can - and should - focus on goals and outcomes, and people should
be able to graduate from it. In my practice, the people who spent
years in therapy before coming to me were able to face their fears,
calm their anxieties and reach life goals quickly - often within
believe it's a matter of approach. Many patients need an aggressive
therapist who prods them to face what they find uncomfortable:
change. They need a therapist's opinion, advice and structured
action plans. They don't need to talk endlessly about how they feel
or about childhood memories.
A recent study
by the National Institute for Health and Welfare in Finland found
that "active, engaging and extroverted therapists" helped
patients more quickly in the short term than "cautious,
graduate school, my classmates and I were taught to serve as
guides, whose job it is to help patients reach their own
conclusions. This may work, but it can take a long time. I don't
think patients want to take years to feel better. They want to do
it in weeks or months.
against therapy. After all, I practice it. But ask yourself: if
your hairstylist keeps giving you bad haircuts, do you keep going
back? If a restaurant serves you a lousy meal, do you make another
reservation? No, I'm sure you wouldn't, and you shouldn't stay in
therapy that isn't helping you, either.
See rest of this article at:
$30 MILLION PUBLIC LARCENY CASE--TOO EASY TO FAIL?
By Andrew Thomason, Illinois Statehouse News, April
SPRINGFIELD - Ghost employees and phantom vendors
aren't characters in the next big horror movie. Rather, they
represent just two of the ways government employees can defraud
The recent arrest of a small-town finance official
accused of siphoning $30 million over the past few decades
highlights just how vulnerable to fraud the approximately 4,900
taxing bodies in Illinois are.
Rita Crundwell was the comptroller for Dixon - a
town of about 16,000 in northwestern Illinois - since the early
1980s. Crundwell's control over the city's annual budget of $20
million allowed her to create a bank account, which was hidden from
others in the city government.
She allegedly used the account to (live a lavish
lifestyle and) launder money, according to the federal criminal
complaint. Crundwell has yet to enter a plea in the case.
'Skeptical of everyone'
Supposedly, taxing bodies have internal controls in
place to prevent fraud, but internal controls aren't necessarily a
guarantee against theft.
That's why state statute requires people like Anita
Failor each year to double-check county, municipal, township and
special taxing district books.
Failor is an audit manager for Wade Staples P.C. in
Quincy and runs the external audits for Adams County and the city
"We assess those (internal) controls, and if we
see an area that may be of higher risk, then that's where we focus
our procedures," Failor said.
Failor said she always asks workers to blow the
whistle on any fellow employee suspected of wrongdoing.
"We have to be skeptical of everyone,"
Credit cards are especially vulnerable to abuse.
"Credit cards are just bad for an auditor.
Usually there are too many credit cards with too many people,"
It can be hard to prove whether charged pens were
for the office, or for the employee's home, she said.
But even the annual external audits aren't enough to
prevent fraud completely.
Dixon had two firms prepare its annual audit - one
compiled the numbers, the other reviewed that information and
prepared the annual report.
"The results year after year disclosed no
instances of noncompliance or other matters required to be reported
under government auditing standards," Dixon Mayor James Burke
said shortly after Crundwell's arrest.
Eileen Norcross, a senior research fellow at the
Mercatus Center at George Mason University, said stopping fraud,
such as that alleged in Dixon, is difficult.
"Where there's a will, there's a way. People
who really want to steal will go out of their way to steal,"
The sheer number of taxing bodies adds yet another
layer of trouble.
The shining light defense
Norcross said transparency is the best way to
prevent fraud. Posting annual audit reports, monthly finances and
other financial records online creates a database that journalists
and concerned citizens can use to keep tabs on taxpayer dollars,
"That's your first defense against outright
theft," Norcross said.
It's a defense Illinois already has, and soon will
See rest of article at: http://thesouthern.com/news/local/public-larceny-can-be-easy-in-illinois-feds-million-milked/article_3bb1222c-9272-11e1-9ef3-0019bb2963f4.html
HOARDING CONFERENCES GAIN POPULARITY
take note of several domestic and international conferences on
hoarding. This is a good sign that this disorder is being taken
seriously enough by the mental health profession and by the general
was a hoarding conference held on March 27th at The University of
Florida in Gainesville, FL.
was an international conference on hoarding this past February in
Australia. See Power Point presentation at:
18-26, 2012 in Dorchester, United Kingdom--The 20th
International Thomas Hardy Conference and Festival: The Hoarding.
Center 2012 Events Calendar
April 14--Mr. Shulman
co-organized/co-presented at 2nd metro-Detroit forum: "Living
Recovery in an Addictive World."
April 19/20--Mr. Shulman
presented on helping counseling clients with legal issues at the
Annual Michigan Social Workers Conference.
May--TBA --Mr. Shulman to
appear on Anderson Cooper's daytime talkshow to discuss shoplifting
addiction (show taped 2/5/12).
May 12--Mr. Shulman to
present at metro-Detroit monthly Men of Today meeting on
understanding and healing our mother issues.
May/June--Mr. Shulman will have
an article on compulsive theft, spending & hoarding in Addiction Professional
June 19--Mr. Shulman will
present a 2-hour seminar on hoarding disorder at Birmingham
(Michigan) Community House.
July 10--Mr. Shulman will
present a 2-hour seminar on men's issues in therapy at Birmingham
(Michigan) Community House.
August 22-24--Mr. Shulman will be
attending and presenting on compulsive theft, spending &
hoarding at the Annual Addictions Studies Institute in Columbus,
August (prospective) Mr.
Shulman to present on compulsive theft, spending and hoarding at
the Annual Cape Cod Institute summer conference in Cape Cod, MA.
Summer--Mr. Shulman will
have an article on compulsive theft, spending & hoarding in
Sante Center's magazine on on their website. See www.santecenter.com
September--Mr. Shulman will
have an article on compulsive theft, spending & hoarding in Counselor
(Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) metro-Detroit celebrates
September 28--October 2--Mr.
Shulman will be attending and presenting on compulsive theft, spending
& hoarding at the National Conference on Addictive Disorders in
November 14-16 (prospective) Mr.
Shulman to present on compulsive theft, spending and hoarding at
the Association for Financial Planning, Counseling and Education's Annual
Conference in St. Louis, MO.
Shulman has penned the "Foreword" for upcoming book Shoplifters:
Are They Out of Control? by California
forensic psychologist John C. Brady.
The Baton Rouge, Louisiana court system has a
court-ordered, facilitated educational program for retail fraud
offenders. The program is based on material from Mr. Shulman's
book Something for Nothing:
Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery.
Mr. Shulman created a 1-hour employee theft online
course with 360 Training. Learn why people steal from
their jobs, how to deter it, prevent it, and what to do when
confronted with it. Enroll at: http://theshulmancenter.360training.com
Mr. Shulman created an online continuing education
course on compulsive shopping and spending called Bought Out and $pent!
based on his book and Power Point presentation. The course, CEs
offered, through The
American Psychotherapy Association. at:http://www.americanpsychotherapy.com
START YOUR NEW YEAR with MONEY LIFE-COACHING!
Tom Lietaert of Sacred Odyssey and the Intimacy with Money programs
offers individual money coaching as well as various group
workshops on money. Check out Tom's two websites at:
www.sacredodyssey.com / www.intimacywithmoney.com
LAYERED VOICE ANALYSIS Loss Prevention Technology
Kevin Colburn, of Vancouver, British Columbia has
been in the loss prevention field for many years and recently was
trained in Israel to work with layered voice analysis technology.
LVA allows interviewers (and interrogators) to accurately determine
a subject's truthfulness or evasiveness. See: www.elitelva.ca
THE MONEY SHIFT (Book, Board Game and Seminars)
Tom Palka, CFP, a metro-Detroit area financial
planner, and I recently met. He's worked in finances for over 25
years and has written a book, developed a board game, and offers
seminars on transforming our thinking about money and wealth. See
his website at www.themoneyshift.com
POSITIVE RETURNS Court-orderd Programs for
Terry Richardson, LMSW, of Joplin, Missouri recently
contacted me and we had a long-talk by telephone. Terry worked in
the correctional system before returning to school to obtain his
MSW. In 2003 he was approached and soon founded the first
court-ordered program for theft offenders in Joplin, MO. It seems
this small town was experiencing a steady rise in shoplifting and
Terry developed a program that has made a real dent in shoplifting
and has helped countless shoplifters of all backgrounds. His
program is available for sale. See: www.positivereturnsprogram.com
Mr. Shulman's books
available for purchase now!
Contact The Shulman Center:
Terrence Daryl Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW,
The Shulman Center for
Compulsive Theft, Spending & Hoarding
358-8508 for free