THANKSGIVING IN THE AGE OF ANXIETY
by
Terrence Shulman
As the holiday season–and the U.S. presidential and other govenmental elections–approach, we may feel a mix of excitement and dread. Stressful thoughts of family gatherings, crowded stores, high expectations, blown budgets, and hangovers of various kinds. We may need to make requests, ask for help, set boundaries, say “no,” or even avoid certain people and situations altogether. It’s vital we stop and take some time to dig deep and stand firm: we can largely create our own holiday experiences. All holidays offer us an opportunity to slow down (most of us speed up!) to reflect on the spirit of each holiday, find ways to be creative, gather with those we love and who love us, and celebrate life through rituals that, hopefully, live and breathe rather than feel mechanical. And, of course, all holidays offer us a chance to feel grateful for something… we don’t have to wait until late November to do so.
What is “gratitude”? Gratitude has many definitions but how about this: simply living from a place of thankfulness that acknowledging everything you receive as a small miracle. It means shifting your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that’s already present. Research shows that gratitude heightens your quality of life.
Quality of life is one reason to live from a place of gratitude, particularly in the face of adversity; it’s the difference between being a hero and being a victim. In the aftermath of extraordinary hardship or cruelty, some people are able to express deep gratitude. Others are left with bitterness.
You wonder “why me?” and sometimes the silence of the universe is deafening. Sometimes there are no answers. Just lessons to be learned. This is where acceptance comes in. Can we accept the world, your world, whatever and however it is? The pain strips away layers of protection until you are left standing naked and alone. We can find a way to be with it, not against it, without anger or resentment. This is when we begin to touch our humanity. And, for that, we are, in time profoundly and deeply grateful. Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would be there to look forward to?
True, deep gratitude may seem elusive to us. It certainly is easier to complain, feel lack, and focus on what we don’t like about our lives and life in general. For many of us, there are real challenges in our families and in the world that make it hard for us to feel anything but gloom and doom. It may be hard enough to shift our attention to the good, the holy, the miraculous in even the mundane. Yet, this is what we are called to do. Keep it simple. It’s certainly challenging to find the gift and the gratitude in our struggles, our loved ones’ struggles, and in the world’s struggles. But we are called to do this. Nearly everyone of of us have experienced weathering a storm or crisis
and been grateful not merely to have survived but to have opened up and been transformed in some way that has positively enhanced our life; be it new appreciation, new wisdom, new spirituality. It’s even harder to be grateful in the midst of the storm or crisis.
I don’t know where I’d be without my childhood struggles; as painful as it was, it led me to become a codependent and a shoplifting addict which, in turn, led me to recovery and, eventually, becoming a therapist and being of service to many people. Dr. Mark Seery of the University of Buffalo–along with other researchers, found in one study, that although people who experienced lots of adversity were generally more distressed than others, those who had experienced no traumatic events in their lives had similar psychological problems. The people with the best outcomes were those who had experienced some negative events in their lives. “Just because something bad has happened to someone doesn’t mean they’re doomed to be damaged from that point on,” he said.
Another study found that people with chronic back pain were able to get around better if they had experienced some serious adversity, whereas those who had suffered either large amounts of adversity, or none at all, were more impaired in life. It’s been theorized that one possibility for this pattern was that people who have been through traumatic experiences have had the opportunity to develop their coping mechanisms more acutely. Dr. Seery said: “The idea is that negative life experiences can toughen people, making them better able to manage subsequent difficulties. People who have gone through stressful events may have stronger social networks than others, as they have learnt how to get help from others when they need it.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that gratitude will come easily or naturally in a crisis. It’s easy to feel grateful for the good things. No one “feels” grateful that he or she has lost a job or a home or good health or has taken a devastating hit on his or her retirement portfolio. But it is vital to make a distinction between feeling grateful and being grateful. We don’t have total control over our emotions. We cannot easily will ourselves to feel grateful, less depressed, or happy. Feelings follow from the way we look at the world, thoughts we have about the way things are, the way things should be, and the distance between these two points. But being grateful is a choice, a prevailing attitude that endures and is relatively immune to the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives. When disaster strikes, gratitude provides a perspective from which we can view life in its entirety and not be overwhelmed by temporary circumstances. Yes, this perspective is hard to achieve, but it is worth the effort.
If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you’ that would suffice. – Meister Eckhart
Be thankful when you don’t know something for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times, for during those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge because it will build your strength and character. need to grow up, too.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary. Because it means you’ve made a difference.
“THANKSGIVING”
A Song by the band Poi Dog Pondering (c. 1990)
Somehow I find myself far out of line
from the ones I had drawn
Wasn’t the best of paths, you could attest to that,
but I’m keeping on.
Would our paths cross if every great loss
had turned out our gain?
Would our paths cross if the pain it had cost us
was paid in vain?
There was no pot of gold, hardly a rainbow
lighting my way
But I will be true to the red, black and blues
that colored those days.
I owe my soul to each fork in the road,
each misleading sign.
‘Cause even in solitude, no bitter attitude
can dissolve my sweetest find
Thanksgiving for every wrong move that made it right.
Click Here To Hear The Song
Ten Tips For Surviving The Holidays
- If you choose to shop, shop early, before the crowds hit.
- Go through your belongings and see if there are any gifts you can re-gift or recycle.
- Remember the spirit of the holidays–it’s not about the things, it’s about the joy and shared experience with key family and friends.
- If you have few family or friends and you’re worried about loneliness, be proactive and find local support group meetings, other open gatherings/events, and make a plan to attend some: you might just make a new friend or two.
- Stop and remember what has happened and how you felt when you were in your addiction during holidays past. Did you shoplift or steal from work and feel guilty? Were you arrested or fired from a job for stealing? Did you break your budget and regret it later, starting the new year stressed out? Did you feel ashamed to have
friends or family over because your home was a disaster zone? KISS–Keep It Simple Silly! - If you have kids and you’re feeling pressured to buy for them, stop and remember what you’re teaching them. Remember when you were a kid, it’s most likely your best memories are about the activities and the time together you spent with loved ones, not the stuff you got! Be creative and get kids engaged in activities they’ll
cherish forever. Take photos. Have fun! - If you feel lack due to finances or other issues in your life, consider volunteering (and bring the kids, too, if you have them) at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, or donating Toys for Tots (again, recycle gifts if need be). Bring a smile–safely and responsibly–to the lives of those less fortunate.
- Don’t abuse alcohol, drugs or food: they’re a waste of time, energy and money. Have a plan to get some moderated exercise, get some outdoor fresh air, eat healthy, get enough sleep, and find some quiet solitude.
- If getting together with family/friends brings up difficult emotions, choose either not to attend or minimize the time spent with them and “book-end” your visits with calls to support people or meetings before, during, and after your visit.
- Set a budget that works for how much you can spend comfortably on yourself and others.
- Oh… and don’t forget to breathe….
A Report from The 6th Annual Lifestyle intervention Conference
October 17-19, 2016 Las Vegas, Nevada
I was honored to attend and present recently at the 6th Annual Lifestyle Intervention Conference (LIC6) in Las Vegas. I’d presented on employee theft at LIC2 and on shopping addiction at LIC4. This time, I presented two separate 90-minute sessions, one understanding and treating hoarding disorder and the other on understanding
and treating compulsive shopping and spending. I was very encouraged that both sessions were well-attended by 75-100 mental health professionals from across the U.S. I was encouraged to discover that a fair number of these practitioners stated they’ve known people who either likely were hoarders or shopaholics. A smaller, but
still encouraging number, stated they either had been hoarders or shopaholics or had at least counseled them.
The conference itself attracts over 500 social workers, psychologists and counselors annually. I attended several excellent presentations including: a keynote on addiction and shame by noted author and therapist Claudia Black; a keynote on creating a zero suicide culture; a session on understanding and treating gambling addiction;
and one on Internet and Digital Addiction.
I also had ample opportunity to network with my fellow peers and in the exhibit hall which housed about 50 booths for 50 diverse organizations (treatment centers, booksellers, holistic healers, support groups, pharmaceutical companies, and public advocacy groups–among others).
I’ve attended and presented at five conferences total in Las Vegas over the last 8 years. It always amazes me how so many addiction conferences meet in Sin City. And while every conference has been keen on not serving or promoting alcohol in any way, they never fail to serve food that isn’t always the most healthy, and encourage
shopping and gambling through various games they put on.
I’ve never liked casino gambling (I think I’m too cheap to risk betting and I hate losing!). Vegas is one of those places where there’s so much glitz and glamour (admittedly, the hotels are beautiful–as are many of the people in them!); yet, it always feels too good to be true, like something not quite so nice is always just below the
surface.
They say “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” I don’t think that’s entirely true. I left with and retain great times with my wife and fond memories of the conference and walking around town people-watching. But I don’t mind leaving behind some of the erratic, frenzied energy that Sin City always evokes.