A HOLIDAY YEAR-END EDITION OF:
What Were They Thinking?
By
Terry Shulman
Is it me or does it seem like more and more people (and, that includes corporations Mr. Romney!) are lying, cheating, stealing and abusing and disrespecting laws, rules, and common decency? It doesn’t feel to me like we’re ending this year on a good note.
Our world needs a recovery program now more than ever. Our egos have run rampant. We’re only as sick as our secrets. A whole lot of secrets are coming out about individual and collective wrong-doing. The challenge is: will we, individually and collectively, own up to our wrongdoing, sincerely repent, and ultimately change. If we are becoming a nation who can’t agree on facts and truth and even common values, a nation that is increasingly narcissistic, greedy, tribalistic, and driven by a “win-at-all-costs” mentality, God help us all.
Consider the following:
1. the recent sexual harassment/assault phenomenon-especially in the entertainment industry and politics has
been a shock to many of us, less so to others;
2. the building investigation into the relationships between the Trump camp and the Russians which has yielded a plea by Michael Flynn of “lying to the FBI” and likely cooperation to uncover more crimes;
3. the recent passage of a proposed “tax reform” bill-regardless of your politics-has been a classic case of ugly sausage-making that seems likely to dramatically increase the deficit and create a “reverse Robin Hood” effect;
4. the “Paradise Papers” uncovers the truth of how many U.S. corporations are hiding their earnngs, assets and profits in off-shore accounts in the Caribean and elsewhere-and we want to cut the corporate tax rate?;
5. two recent horrific mass shootings-one in Las Vegas and another in a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas- likely will not lead to any real action to address these growing scourges; and
6. let’s not forget that threat of nuclear war is potentially closer than it’s been since the Cuban missile crisis over 50 years ago.
I suppose, on a bright note, we could subscribe to one of these philosophies:
1. that things need to get worse before they get better;
2. our idols often need to fall in order for naivete to be transformed into maturity;
3. draining the swamp means dealing with a lot of swamp monsters;
4. we’ll need to reach a critical mass of public outrage before anything changes; and
5. sometimes, you gotta blow up everything in order to start again fresh!
A short list of those accused of sexual harassment and/or assault in just the last year::
Entertainment Industry:
Harvey Weinstein, Bob Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Dustin
Hoffman, Ben Affleck, Andy Signor, Oliver Stone, Roy Price, Chris Savino, Lockhart Steele, John Besh, James Toback, James Levine, Ethan Kath, Andy Dick, Russell Simmons, Brett Ratnor, John Singleton, Ed Westwick, Steven Seagal, Jeffrey Tambor, Andrew Kreisberg, Gary Goddard, Garrison Keillor, George Takei, Eddie Berganza, Fautso Brizzi, Mark Schwahan, Alphy Hoffman, Adam Venit, Danny Masterson, John Lasseter, David Guillod, Jon Grissom
TV News Personalities/Journalists:
Bill O’Reilly, Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer, Matt Zimmerman, Glenn Thrush, Michael Oreskes, Mark Halperin
Politicians: Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Roy Moore, Al Franken, John Conyers, George H.W, Bush, Joe Barton
This is just a recent and partial list of offenders. Many have either not commented on the accusations or vehemently denied them. But enough have admitted wrong doing and have been fired, resigned, or suffered some form of consequences.
It appears that if you’re a politician, you’re in the right profession: it’s harder to get fired, more common to apologize and stay in office, or even more common to deny all accusations and have little political fall-out (example: Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Roy Moore).
Why do men expose themselves to these kind of risks? Ashley May, in her December 1, 2017 article in USA Today, writes:
“In these cases, it’s often about power, said Steven Graubard, a Massachusetts-based consulting and clinical psychologist of more than 40 years. To be clear, these recent allegations aren’t that of a typical flasher, Graubard said. Men in high-profile positions who are exposing themselves to those they work with are acting on impulses (desires), not compulsions (urges against one’s wishes).
Those impulses are narcissistic (ego-related) and/or feeding off a sense of omnipotence, Graubard said. They are “acting out a fantasy that’s based on needs for attention” and “control,” he said.
“When [they] are in a position of power and influence over other people, then in their mind the fantasy starts to take form and it could happen,” Graubard said. “The inhibitions that we usually have around this behavior start to get broken down.”
We do know that men who act this way usually hold sexist attitudes about women, said John Pryor, Illinois State University psychology professor who’s researched sexual harassment for more than 30 years.
These acts could also be tied to sexual abuse in the man’s past, said Debra S. Borys, a California-based clinical and forensic psychologist specializing in sexual harassment. Also, some men, Borys said, have a distorted sense of arousal and get pleasure from seeing a victim’s anxiety, fear or shock. Some actually interpret that shock or discomfort as approval.
“Studies which compare arousal patterns and perceptions of rapists to those of non-rapists have indicated that rapists often misread cues from women and misinterpret nervousness as interest or being coy, so they typically get aroused by those but non-rapists do not get aroused by female discomfort,” Borys said.
She said in some situations of exposure, men might believe the victim will admire what they’re seeing.
The behavior is not new. “It’s been around for centuries,” Graubard said.
And, it’s not something that just happens, said James Campbell Quick, a Texas-based leader with the American Psychological Association for 30 years.
This behavior is “a manifestation of a life history of development,” Quick said. What specifically went off track is different for everyone, but he said something in their lives is missing and this behavior is a way to fill it.
In some cases, exposing themselves might stem from a longing to be “appreciated, loved or admired,” Quick said. Other situations are more about control and dominance.
If someone has exposed themselves, it’s likely they’ve done something similar before and will do something similar or worse again.
Again, our world needs a recovery program now more than ever. Our egos have run rampant. We’re only as sick as our secrets. A whole lot of secrets are coming out about individual and collective wrong-doing. The challenge is: will we, individually and collectively, own up to our wrongdoing, sincerely repent, and ultimately change. If we are becoming a nation who can’t agree on facts and truth and even common values, a nation that is increasingly narcissistic, greedy, tribalistic, and driven by a “win-at-all-costs” mentality, God help us all
5 WARNING SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE ON A SHOPPING BINGE
by
Susan Tompor
(Reprinted from Detroit Free Press November 18, 2015)
The buy more-save more mentality can drive compulsive spending on gifts if you aren’t careful. You don’t need to have a “shopping addiction” to overspend during the “AII-I-Want-for-Christmas-Is-More” season. The buy more-save more triggers are everywhere. But if you want to hold on to some cash, it can help to consider if you’re about to get trapped into a compulsive shopping binge.
Some of the signs of trouble:
- Do you you walk like a zombie shopper toward Bluelight Specials, the Flash Sales and the Today-Only Special Values? A big trigger for online shoppers is the “Flash Sale.” Customers who sign up for texts and e- mails from certain online retail sites complain of being tempted daily or even a few times a day by all sorts of “limited-time” specials, according to Terrence Daryl Shulman, author of “Bought Out and $pent!” who counsels compulsive shoppers. Maybe this “super savings” lasts only two hours. But the time limit – much like all those early morning Black Friday specials will create a sense of urgency and a shopper’s rush. Shulman said he’s had a number of female clients say the alerts contributed to overspending and the shoppers had to put a stop to the texts. “They’re like crack, and they often have to unsubscribe to them,” Shulman said.
- Are you ashamed to admit that all those holiday shopping trips really aren’t working for you? A variety of legitimate reasons exist for slamming the brakes on gift buying a job loss, loss of overtime pay, concerns about a limited retirement plan or a small amount of college savings. And some people need to control shopping because they’re dealing with an addiction. “Some people really get such an adrenaline rush that it can overtake them,” said Shulman, who lives in Southfield. Some studies indicate that about 6% of the population deals with compulsive spending, he said. How do you stop spending way too much on gifts or having way too many people on your gift list? “It would be great if you could tell people the truth,” Shulman said. While many are too embarrassed to admit to troubles, it’s not all that unusual for friends to say they’d like to limit holiday spending or cut back. It can happen more often than one would think.
- Do you even know how much you are going to spend for the holidays? One way to keep a clear head in the midst of the holidays is to sit down and decide how much you’ll spend in total for the holidays. Do you want to spend $400 or $700 on all the gifts, dinners, holiday outfits, baked goods, parties and donations? While some might not be running up big credit card debt, they could still be spending more than they need to do.
- Can you play a game and just spend cash? One trick is to take only cash with you on various shopping trips. If you want to spend only $40 on each gift on a given list, take an envelope, mark it with one name and stuff $40 in that envelope. Then spend only that amount on gifts for that person. Or maybe you want to put a set amount of money on gift cards that you’d buy before you head to the store and later use to buy gifts. The idea is to figure out a way to control impulse spending. Often during the holidays, sales or promotions challenge you to reach some limit, say being required to spend $100 to save $25.
- Remember: Free isn’t necessarily free. When shopping online or via catalog, one of the gotchas is often a spending limit to get the free shipping. In some cases, shoppers can look at options for in-store pickup to avoid shipping costs. See: Shopping Binge!
WE CAN ONLY KEEP WHAT WE GIVE AWAY…
Make a Tax-Deductible Year-End Contribution To C.A.S.A., LLC
Dear Friends,
Looking to make a meaningful tax-deductible gift? Please consider writing a check to C.A.S.A., LLC (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous).
Since starting the first nationwide C.A.S.A. support group in metro-Detroit in 1992, we have seen this group expand both in metro-Detroit as well as across the U.S. We also have online and phone support groups, too! Nearly 10% of Americans shoplift, approximately 75% of Americans engage in employee theft, and many more engage in other forms of addictive-compulsive stealing. People need various resources to confront and deal with their problems with stealing. The holiday season is a particularly difficult time for many.
In 2009, I registered a non-profit wing-C.A.S.A., LLC-of my company The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending and Hoarding. If you are interesting in donating any amount of money, we will provide a receipt that can be used on your tax return. Donations to C.A.S.A., LLC help me better serve various individuals in the following ways:
*We mail information, meeting lists, and my books (notably: “Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery” and “Biting The Hand That Feeds: The Employee Theft Epidemic”) to indigent persons and/or those currently incarcerated.
*We make phone calls and visits to jails, prisons, or mental health institutions to educate about addictive- compulsive stealing and treatment/recovery options.
*We assist individuals nationwide in starting C.A.S.A. support groups.
*We offer reduced-fee or free counseling services to those who cannot afford it.
*We offer court-evaluations for those who cannot afford it.
“We offer free public talks on addictive-compulsive stealing and treatment/recovery options.
*To offset fees we pay to our website designer to update various C.A.S.A. support group listings and other info online.
We encourage you to donate to this cause, especially whether my work, my books, or any C.A.S.A. support group has helped you in any way. Pay it forward and help someone else. We can only keep what we give away.
Any donations may be made through PayPal using this link: http://www.theshulmancenter.com/online- store.htm You may also mail with a check made payable to “Terrence Shulman and C.A.S.A., LLC” to me PO Box 250008 Franklin, Michigan 48025 U.S.A. You will promptly be mailed a receipt.
Thank you for your consideration and Happy Holidays! Sincerely, Terrence Shulman, The Shulman Center and C.A.S.A., LLC
JAPANESE KLEPTOMANIA SPECIALIST VISITS DETROIT
by
Terry Shulman
Dr. Hiroshi Okuda, a psychiatrist at Irabu General Hospital in Kanagawa, Japan recently visited me in early October. He has translated my book Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery into Japanese and found a Japanese publisher who would like to publish it next year. Over the last several years, Dr. Okuda has worked with Japanese patients who’ve suffered from “kleptomania” or other theft-related behaviors. Apparently, shoplifting and stealing are quite prevalent in Japan.
Dr. Okuda (“Hiroshi” as I called him) spent two days in Detroit and my wife and I greeted him at his downtown hotel. He’s a cheerful slight man in his early 60’s who has been married over 30 years and has a son and daughter in their late 20’s. He was very gracious and excited to meet me. In fact, he treated me like I was a rock star! I felt flattered and was equally excited that someone else in the mental health profession was expressing such curiosity, passion, and concern about understanding and treating patients with these disorders. The three of us enjoyed a drink and hors d’oeuvres at the elegant hotel bar and restaurant.
I then drove my wife home and Hiroshi and I went to a local C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) meeting. There were only five members that night (including myself) but everyone had been told about Hiroshi’s attending and were very honored he’d traveled so far. Hiroshi shared with me that there are over 20 C.A.S.A.-like groups in Japan but they are in the early stages and most meet far away from where he works and lives. He’d never actually been to any of the meetings so he was very happy to experience people sharing so openly about themselves as most people in both the U.S. and Japan feel quite ashamed of their stealing behavior. After the C.A.S.A. meeting, Hiroshi asked several follow-up questions of the group members and nodded his head gratefully as they spoke.
After a long day/night, I drove Hiroshi back to his hotel downtown… The following day, I met him at his hotel for lunch and then took him to several museums downtown. In addition to running his own clinic for alcoholics, gamblers and kleptomaniacs, he somehow finds time to read voraciously, travel, and teach human behavior at a local university.
Hiroshi and I have been in touch by email over the last week or two and it looks like the publishing of my book is on track. I’m excited about the impact it may have on the culture there. I hope many people find it as fascinating as Hiroshi has! I’ve never been to Japan but it would be great to visit him and have him take me around like I did for him here. I have to start learning some Japanese!
FYI: If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.