The Mother of Our Issues?
by
Terry Shulman
Mother’s Day brings up some of the strongest emotions and often triggers relapses into addiction. So be prepared and on guard!
The relationship between mother and child-no matter how old we are-is likely the most important, primal and fundamental relationship we’ll have. I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “mother issues” are at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems. This is not to blame mothers, per se, as no mother is perfect. But it is important for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our mothers whether they are actively in our lives or not.
Some of the most common reasons both men and women have mother issues include the following:
- a mother died early in a child’s life or committed suicide;
- a mother was addicted and/or mentally ill and was not able to be physically and/or emotionally present and attuned to her child;
- a mother was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with her child;
- a mother appeared to favor one of her children over another;
- a mother needed rescue, help, or companionship and her child played the role of partner or parent;
- a mother held unrealistically high expectations of her child and the child became inauthentic to receive mother’s love/approval;
- a mother was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward her child;
- a mother had little natural or cultivated interest in being a mother to her child;
- a mother betrayed her child’s confidence in some way;
- a mother was “perfect” and modeled this in a way her child felt unable to compete with;
- a mother was overly critical of her child;
- a mother was overly “smothering,” domineering or controlling
- a mother committed infidelity in her marriage & her child knew;
- a mother encouraged her child to tell or keep secrets;
- a mother broke the law and/or modeled dishonesty.
The core effects of the situations described above often result in persistent feelings of neglect, abandonment, trust issues, low self-esteem/self-worth, codependency/care-taking others, as well as unresolved emptiness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Which of the above issues seems to resonate with you? There may be many other ways to express the wounds or conflicts that develop around our relationship with our mothers than are listed above. Have you worked through any of these issues or does it feel like you still need to?
When my father died 25 years ago at age 53 (I was about 28 at the time) I had just begun therapy to finally deal with my “father issues.” These also included deep anger, shame, and feelings of abandonment due to his alcoholism, my parent’s divorce which left me as the man of the house at age 10, and the way he lived much of his life–overweight, overspending, drinking and, finally, getting sick and dying young. I remember going to grief and loss support groups for two years after his death and feeling like I was the only one stuck in the anger phase of grief while others mostly expressed their sorrow. One member even asked me: how can you be angry with a dead person?
Because I didn’t have the best role model for a father, I found myself feeling ashamed to be a man, not trusting men or authority, and quite confused about both women and what I wanted to do with my life. Fortunately, I had a great therapist who encouraged me to read books about men’s issues and to participate in men’s support groups and retreats where I found I was not alone, began to trust men again, and to see the positive aspects of men and authentic masculinity.
But, interestingly, we rarely talked about or looked into our relationships with our mothers. It’s even been theorized that part of the reason the “men’s movement” of the 1990’s petered out was that we didn’t know how to individually and collectively deal with our mother issues and, so, we kind of hit a wall. At least for most men, regardless of sexual orientation, our issues with mother often are more subtle yet also more scary and dangerous. Compared to my father’s more obvious failings, my mother was a saint.
But in the past few years, events had led me to come to the conclusion that I had to deal with my mother issues, too. For me, part of this arose in the context of my 15+ year marriage to my wife. It’s not uncommon for men to have issues with their wives that are, at the core, issues with mother or “the feminine.” How many men, when asked to do something by their wives or face a perceived criticism, feel like a five year old being ordered or scolded by mother and just won’t take it this time around?
I also realized that I was continuing, at some level, to play the good son role I’d adopted early on despite having made some earlier progress. I had to learn to speak up more, share my feelings and truth and risk my mother’s love. I think we both needed to be knocked off our pedestals a bit. It’s been hard to confront my mother, stand up to her–I’ve been so used to being her protector, her biggest fan. I had to come to terms with my mother’s (and my own) limitations in our relationship. I’m learning to let go of that primal desire to have “mommy” be there for me as I continue in adulthood and it’s my judgment that my mother has had to learn that I won’t always be there for her as I was in the past. It’s been painful for both of us but necessary, too.
I also am slowly coming to realize, as my mother ages, that she won’t always be around: Mom is mortal. She just turned 79 in March and is dealing with both some physical and cognitive changes. The question arises: what do I/we need to say to my/our mother or feel in my/our heart so /wel can be as complete as possible when she passes?
I’ve done some reading about mother issues, talked to my wife and numerous friends (who assured me they all had mother issues, too) and have listened to how so many clients of mine struggle to heal or transform their relationships to their mothers. Some of my clients were sexually abused by their mothers. Some were literally abandoned on the street. Some were criticized beyond measure (as I believe my father’s mother was to him). Some were deemed the problem child, the hero, or some role they couldn’t seem to shake.
One client, a doctor, kicked and screamed throughout our therapy to deny his relationship with his mother had much impact on his stealing and repressed anger yet avoided talking to his mother who telephoned him constantly. Finally, he conceded a bit and learned the Herculean task of stopping avoiding his mother’s calls and simply set limits with her on the phone. Now, she hardly calls and their relationship feels more at ease to him.
Another client has a very “religious” mother who holds judgments against her from the past and even testified in court against her in a dispute with her ex-husband over childcare.
We all long for the perfect mother… and the perfect father. We all know that no parent is perfect and even those of us who are parents ourselves get to realized life’s cruel joke: we often become like our parents or at least learn to appreciate how hard it must have been to them to raise us!
As we grow up (and, hopefully, we do) we leam to differentiate from our parents, need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and develop compassion for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they likely were raised). But this doesn’t mean it’s easy. We are taught to honor thy parents but that doesn’t mean we don’t speak our minds our share our hearts.
Ideally, we often look to Mom (or Dad) to be a safe space to share our pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn’t mean they don’t share their own pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary role of a parent is to be strong and mature enough to absorb their child’s expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try to see the gift in their child’s courageous, if imprecise, offering of their pain, their perspective. This is the ideal and, of course, it’s painful when we don’t get this from parents.
I can only say that when my wife and my friends are able to hear each others’ grievances and concerns without attacking back or defending (and when I can hear them), it creates safety and trust and deepens our relationships. I can’t think of a better way to honor each other. In this context, wouldn’t it be great if-this Mother’s Day-instead of cards and flowers, we could give the gift of honesty, our mother could receive it lovingly, and we would return the favor?
White Collar Crime Online Support Group Celebrates 100th Meeting
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Greenwich, CT (March 23, 2018) Progressive Prison Ministries, Inc. proudly announces that the 100th weekly meeting of its national online White Collar/Nonviolent Support Group will be held on Monday, April 16th at 7 pm Eastern, 6 pm Central, 5 pm Mountain, 4 pm Pacific. It is the first confidential online support group in the United States for people prosecuted for white-collar and other nonviolent crimes.
The group is open to all individuals who have white collar or nonviolent criminal incarceration issues. Each Monday evening, the meeting takes place live online at 7:00pm EDT.
Jeff Grant, JD, M Div, Co-founder of Progressive Prison Ministries, Greenwich, CT, and Co-host of the Criminal Justice Insider radio show broadcast from New Haven, CT, said, “We are extremely proud and grateful to reach this milestone for the group. When we started the group nearly two years ago, we had a dream that people living in shame, guilt, fear and isolation could form a supportive community embracing compassion, empathy and kindness for each other, dedicated to reaching out to offer support to others living in isolation and afraid to seek help.”
With members in 19 states and growing, the group is moderated by clergy as part of a program of pastoral counseling to best ensure confidentiality. Most participants have gone through their legal/prison issues in chief and are out the other side.
Participation in the group is easy: Progressive Prison Ministries sends out weekly login instructions to members with a unique link for that week’s online meeting on GoToMeeting. Those interested in joining can get information and join the meeting by contacting the hosts atprisonist.org/white-collar-support-group. Each week, participants can choose to login via video on a computer, tablet or smart phone that is equipped with a camera, or audio only via phone. Anyone currently on supervised release, probation or parole, MUST first discuss his or her participation with their P.O. See prisonist.org for more details.
“The overwhelming majority of people prosecuted for white-collar crimes are not the rich and famous who are the subject of sensationalized headlines,” Grant said. “In reality, they are people who live down the street, whose children go to school with yours, who got in over their heads to the point of self-destruction.” Grant continued, “Many have been stigmatized by their own families, friends and communities, and the business community. Their children have been taunted, ridiculed and bullied at school. They are whispered about, pointed at and disdained. They have been shunned in their churches, synagogues, and civic organizations. They cannot afford to feed themselves their families, or to heat their homes. They sit with the blinds and curtains drawn – waiting for the day their homes will be sold out from under them.”
Co-founded in 2012 in Greenwich, Connecticut, Progressive Prison Ministries is the first ministry in the United States created to support individuals, families and organizations with white-collar and other nonviolent incarceration issues. Grant said, “Most white-collar criminals can’t go back to their old lives and careers, so what choice do they really have? Why not embrace a completely new life, with new options, and a new opportunities centered on spirituality and doing the right things? The most fortunate are those who figure out that their attempts to solve problems in isolation are not working, and that they no longer have to go it alone.”
More About Progressive Prison Ministries and Co-founders Jeff Grant & Lynn Springer: Progressive Prison Ministries Co-founders Jeff Grant and Lynn Springer were recently featured in a twelve-page article in Greenwich Magazine: The Redemption of Jeff Grant, March 2018 issue, Jeff is also the Executive Director of Family ReEntry, a Bridgeport, CT based criminal justice organization with offices and programs in eight Connecticut cities. After serving almost fourteen months in a Federal prison for a white-collar crime he committed when he was a lawyer, Jeff began his own reentry earning a Master of Divinity from Union Theological Seminary in New York City. More information is available at Progressive Prison Ministries and on its social media channels: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Google+ and YouTube. For information, please contact Jeff Grant, JD, M Div, (203) 405-6249; info@prisonist.org.
Media Contact: Greg Walsh, Walsh Public Relations, 305 Knowlton Street, Bridgeport, CT 06608, Tel: 203- 292-6280; E-Mail: greg@walshpr.com