Fathers: Why Bother?
Here’s Why…
by Terry Shulman
Last month I shared a column (updated from a previous column) about how our mothers impact our lives- emphasizing how our mothers often wound us in various ways, wittingly or unwittingly. As Father’s Day approaches, it seems only fair to examine and discuss how our fathers impact us, too. My father would have tumed 79 this June 19th. (My mother just turned 79 in March). Unfortunately, my father died 25 years ago at age 53. I’m about to tum 53 at month’s end and, in the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder (and hope) if I’ll live longer than my Dad.
Three years ago, one of my best buddies, who is just a few months younger than I am, called me to tell me he’d recently suffered a mild heart attack and had to have two stents placed in two of his arteries one which was 80% blocked. “Genetics,” he saidas his own father had died of a heart attack many decades ago at age 38! I’ve talked to many men whose fathers had died and who became increasingly at least mildly anxious about whether they’d outlive their father’s age at death. Now I get it. Since men tend to die on average of 8 years earlier than women, chances are good that many of us are spending this Father’s Day without the physical presence of our fathers, and it’s more common for children (including adult children) to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers. There’s a bad joke that goes: “Why do men die younger than women? Because they want to.”
The sad truth is that far too many men see and feel life as a burden and have trouble tapping into the deep joy, awe and meaning of life… even just their own lives. I’ve felt this myself and I have no doubt my father did as well. It’s been said that many of us have grown up with a “father hunger” due to the not uncommon lack of exposure and nurturing by the positive masculine. Since my Dad’s birthday and Father’s Day fall around the same time each year, I do my best to be aware of my feelings and where I am in my ongoing grieving process. What is most present for me lately is some sadness that my father is not around to witness and share in the joys of my accomplishments and adventures.
I am the oldest of 3 brothers. Each of us has been impacted by our father’s life and death and the way he fatheredor failed to fatherus. I think I can speak for each of us in feeling confused, disappointed, and hurt by the fact that our father had so many great qualities and talents which we admired but which, sadly, were undercut by his alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and various personality tendencies which left us feeling like we, essentially, had to raise ourselves. While our relationship with our mother-no matter how old we are-is likely the most important, primal and fundamental relationship we’ll have, fairly recent research and personal anecdotes from both sons and daughters point to the importance of our relationships (or lack thereof) with our fathers. As with mothers, I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “father issues” are at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems and, therefore, how important it is for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our fathers whether they are actively in our lives or not.
Some of the most common reasons both men and women have father issues include the following:
- a father died early in a child’s life or committed suicide;
- a father was addicted and/or mentally ill and was not able to be physically and/or emotionally present and attuned to his child;
- a father was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with his child;
- a father appeared to favor one of his children over another,
- a father needed rescue, help, or companionship and his child played the role of partner or parent;
- a father held unrealistically high expectations of his child and the child became inauthentic to receive mother’s love/approval;
- a father was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward his child;
- a father had little natural or cultivated interest in being a father to his child;
- a father betrayed his child’s confidence in some way;
- a father was “perfect” and modeled this in a way his child felt unable to compete with;
- a father was overly critical of his child;
- a father was overly domineering or controlling;
- a father committed infidelity in his marriage & her child knew;
- a father encouraged his child to tell or keep secrets;
- a father broke a father was the law and/or modeled dishonesty; and
- physically and/or emotionally absent due to working all the time or for some other reason(s).
The core effects of the situations described above often result in persistent feelings of neglect, abandonment, trust issues, low self-esteem/self-worth, co-dependency/care-taking others, as well as unresolved emptiness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Which of the above issues seems to resonate with you? There may be many other ways to express the wounds or conflicts that develop around our relationship with our fathers than are listed above. Have you had any experiences with this?
I recently read something about love that was powerful to me. It noted that it’s important to cover “the four A’s: Attention, Affection, Appreciation, and Acceptance.” Stop and think about this for a bit. How does this land with you? When you think about your relationship with your father, do/did you feel he was attentive? Was he affectionate with you in an appropriate, nurturing way wit hugs, kisses, or even a pat on the back? Was he appreciative of you, your feelings and your unique gifts, talents and efforts? And was he accepting of you with all your foibles, mistakes and so-called shortcomings? That’s real love, huh?
We all know that no parent is perfect and even those of us who are parents ourselves get to realized life’s cruel joke: we often become like our parents or at least learn to appreciate how hard it must have been to them to raise us! As we grow up (and, hopefully, we do) we learn to differentiate from our parents, need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and develop compassion for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they likely were raised). But this doesn’t mean it’s easy.
We are taught to honor thy parents but that doesn’t mean we don’t speak our minds our share our hearts. Ideally, we often look to our parents to be a safe space to share our pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn’t mean they don’t share their own pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary role of a parent is to be strong and mature enough to absorb their child’s expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try to see the gift in their child’s courageous, if imprecise, offering of their pain, their perspective. This is the ideal and, of course, it’s painful when we don’t get this from parents.
In this context, wouldn’t it be great ifthis Father’s Day instead of cards and ties, we could give the gift of honesty, our father could receive it lovingly, and we would retum the favor?
The Results Are In!
The 30th Annual Jack Hayes International Retail Theft Survey
PRESS RELEASE May 30, 2018
Shoplifting Continues to Rise 8 of Past 10 Years, According to Jack L. Hayes International’s 30th Annual Retail Theft Survey! Wesley Chapel, FL-
Over 432,000 shoplifters and dishonest employees were apprehended in 2017 by just 21 large retailers who recovered over $188 million from these thieves, according to the 30th Annual Retail Theft Survey conducted by Jack L. Hayes Intemational, the leading loss prevention and inventory shrinkage control consulting firm.
“Theft continues to plague the retail industry, with shoplifting leading the way! In 2017, Shoplifting apprehensions increased 2.3%, with the dollars recovered from these shoplifters increasing almost 13%. This is the 8th rise in both shoplifter apprehensions and dollar recoveries in the past 10 years. Recoveries from shoplifters where no apprehension was made increased for the 21st consecutive year, up an amazing 18% in 2017, “, said Mark R. Doyle, President of Jack L. Hayes International.
Mr. Doyle added, “While dishonest employee apprehensions and recovery dollars were down (almost 4% and 7% respectively), retail theft overall continues to be a serious problem for retailers negatively impacting their bottom-line, which results in higher prices to consumers.”
Highlights from this highly anticipated annual theft survey include:
*Participants: 21 large retail companies with 16,409 stores and over $428 billion in retail sales (2017).
*Apprehensions: 432,046 shoplifters and dishonest employees were apprehended in 2017, up 1.7% from 2016.
*Recovery Dollars: Over $188 million was recovered from apprehended shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2017, up 8.1% from 2016.
*Shoplifter Apprehensions: 391,760 shoplifters were apprehended in 2017, up 2.3% from 2016.
*Shoplifter Recovery Dollars: Over $149 million was recovered from apprehended shoplifters in 2017, an increase of 12.9% from 2016. An additional $185 million was recovered from non-apprehended shoplifters.
*Employee Apprehensions: 40,286 dishonest employees were apprehended in 2017, down 4.0% from 2016.
* Employee Recovery Dollars: Over $38 million was recovered from employee apprehensions in 2017, down 7,0% from 2016,
*Shrink: 61.9% of survey participants reported an increase in shrink in 2017, with 28.6% reporting a decrease in shrink, and another 9.5% reported shrink stayed about the same.
Full survey results are available at: http://hayesinternational.com/news/annual-retailtheft-survey/