SPRING, PASSOVER AND EASTER: Time of Rebirth
by Terrence Shulman
As most of us slough off this long, hard, cold winter and wait in anticipation for the new buds of spring, Passover and Easter remind us of the triumphs of breaking free and being reborn. You don’t have to be religious to embrace these universal themes and journeys.
Passover and Easter usually fall in March or April, arriving as harbingers of spring. Both holidays celebrate the movement from sorrow to joy, darkness to light, death to rebirth. For Passover, it’s the remembrance of the ancient Hebrews enslavement in Egypt and their eventual (and miraculous) exodus across the Red Sea into the promised land; for Easter, the remembrance of Christ’s crucifixion and his eventual (and miraculous) resurrection 3 days later.
I was brought up Jewish and, while I don’t consider myself very religious, I have fond memories of celebrating Passover and continue to do so. Out of all the Jewish holidays, Passover has always seemed to me the most interestingwith its theme of freedom, its numerous Seder table rituals, the food and wine, and the fact that it’s one of the more family-oriented holidays, often celebrated at one’s home.
I grew up in Detroit in the ’60s and 70’s and remember being curious about Easterwhich most of my neighbors and friends celebrated. I often partook of painting (and hiding) eggs and was fascinated with the chocolate bunnies! I didn’t really understand the religious significance of the holiday back then. But over the last 18 years since I’ve been in an interfaith relationship, I’ve observed and celebrated Eastermostly, like Passover, for its rituals, fine food, and gathering of family.
This year, my wife and I will celebrate Passover with my 89-year old uncle and family. We went last year and it was open, laid back, and we went around the table sharing how the story of Passover and how it applies to our current lives. For several years until recently, my wife and I hosted a Seder at our home for neighbors and friends, both Jewish and not Jewish. And, this Easter Sunday, we’re hosting my wife’s family and a couple of friends.
Sometimes I think, cynically, that holidays are just a prompt to get us to buy stuff and eat a lot, other times, I think it’s just an excuse (usually a wonderful one) to gather and bond with family. I’m not convinced about the accuracy and truth of most holiday stories, but, as I’ve written before, I do my best to appreciate their metaphoric value and to see if I can find meaning in relation to my current life. I encourage you to do so as well.
When I think about the shift from winter to spring, I think of rebirth of lifeflowers, trees, and of increased light and joy. I recall another tough-weathered season that toughened my soul but wore out its welcome. I also look forward to my own personal, professional, and spiritual growth and to shed off some of the old and obsolete patterns that no longer serve me.
This is a great time to ask ourselves the following questions:
What did I learn during my winter slumber?
What have I been enslaved to and how am I finding new freedom from this? How have I recently died (symbolically) and who has this process given rebirth to? When is it time to take a stand and when is it time to let go and surrender?
When is it time to uproot and make an exodus and when is it time to allow ourselves to be nailed to the cross in the name of something bigger than ourselves? Standing up for ourselves, for a cause, and to or for others can be hard. And we may suffer for it and die in some sense to be reborn. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Jesus and Moses certainly went through their trials and tribulations but they have endured as symbols of strength and transformation for millions.
Many of us feel as if we’ve wandered “40 years” between enslavement and freedom, have felt crucified and resurrected and those budding flowers of spring both delicate and strong beyond measure, we face the cycle of the seasons within and without. But we can endure, we can grow, we can move toward freedom.
So, what has died (or is dying) in you in order to be reborn? What is emerging?
During my winter slumber, I continued the process of reclaiming my truest sources of strength and abundance which does not lie within certain people but, rather, more deeply within myself and the universe. I’ve continued to see more clearly how I still have patterns of deep fear around failure and around not having
enough money to survive. I also continue to see more clearly how I have tended to live out my early family
role of the strong one, the self-sufficient one, the one who never gets angry. Is it any wonder I shoplifted on
and off for ten years from age 15-25?
I just celebrated 29 years of recovery last month. I can see how far I’ve come not only in my recovery but in my life. I feel blessed to have had so many opportunities in my recovery and in my work to meet and help others and to be a voice for hope and recovery. I continue to experience periodic doubts and insecurities, frustration and impatience around finances and where my path may lead. But, I hope, I can learn to speak my truth more, take myself and life more lightly, trust I will be provided for, and balance work and play. In other words, I hope the Terry I am continues to become more himself.
We may look at the world around us and see deep darkness: endless war, environmental decay, political polarization, and the lingering legacy of discrimination and prejudice in many forms. I try to remember the symbolism of the Hebrews “breakthrough” and subsequent 40 years of wandering in the desert before finding higher ground. I try to remember the persecution of Jesus and his suffering on the cross but try not to dwell on the crucifixion but, rather, on the resurrection. May we all acknowledge our individual and collective suffering but also claim our victory over it. May we appreciate the beautiful rituals of Passover and Easter and the food and family and also appreciate the opportunity to start again, to renew, to be reborn, to find freedom and believe in miracles, in the impossible, once again.
SIGNS WE’RE LIVING IN GEORGE ORWELL’S “1984”?
by Terrence Shulman
“Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows.” –1984.
One primary message of Orwell’s seminal 1948 novel 1984 is that totalitarian governments such as those of Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia are/were bad. When Orwell wrote 1984, he was concerned that governments were moving more toward totalitarianism. He worried that these governments might start taking away more and more of people’s rights and freedoms and the terrifying degree of power and control a totalitarian regime can acquire and maintain.
“Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.”–1984.
We seem to be a country more and more divided than ever. While we can’t blame only the President for this problem, we can ask whether he is contributing to this divide or working to bridge this divide. In the 1984 book, Orwell describes an atmosphere of fear that is often seen in totalitarian states where people increasingly feel afraid to speak up against “Big Brother” for fear of being arrested, tortured, reprogrammed or killed.
“Big Brother is Watching You.” –1984.
“It’s pretty scary,” Comedian Bill Maher has said, somewhere between a joke and a wince. In his “signs of a dictator” routine, he submits that the president has veered into unchartered territory for a U.S. president by gaining a number of check-marks on his “common signs you’re a dictator” list:
- Name or face on buildings;
- Family members in positions of power;
- Frequent rallies that resemble lynch mobs;
- His own propaganda outlet (Fox News);
- Using his office for personal financial gain;
- Aligned with other other dictators and strongmen;
- Claims minorities are responsible for the country’s problems;
- You lie so freely that people don’t know what the truth is anymore;
- Proposed military parades or calls on police and armed forces to be ready to quell rebellion; and
- Dress like a dictator
I’d also add one to the list: former moderate or reasonable politicians fall lockstep into enabling and supporting the dictator out of fear of reprisal or being called out as weak, disloyal, or traitorous.
“Perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one.” –1984.
We seem to be living in a world where the idea and the practice of truth and justice seem more blurry and elusive than ever. We may need to wait and see what is actually in the Mueller report and if the FBI decides to actually launch an investigation into the Smollett matter as President Trump has recently implored it to do.
“For, after all, how do we know that two and two make four? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable – what then?” –1984.
It’s probably safe to say that the preliminary Mueller report findings came as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant depending on your bent.
it appeared that there was ample evidence against President Trump as well as actor Jussie Smollett but that both appear to have skated and claimed “complete exoneration” despite decisions that specifically stated: “lack of prosecution does not mean complete exoneration.”
“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.” –1984.
The moral fiber of our country seems to be fraying as more headlines grab our attention and demoralize us:
“Three recent suicides of Sandy Hook school shooting survivors.”
“
Charges dropped for New England Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft in Florida massage parlor prostitution case.” “Another police officer not charged or acquitted in shooting of unarmed person of color.”
“Elizabeth Holmes, CEO of Theranos, charged with investor/patient fraud as seen in HBO Doc The Inventor” “Actors, other millionaires, and college staff all charged in college admission bribery and fraud ” “Trump to push for complete destruction of Obamacare and pre-existing conditions coverage.”
Well, at least InfoWars’ Alex Jones recently apologized, saying that his assertion that the Sandy Hook School massacre in Newtown, Connecticut was a hoax were due to his suffering from a psychotic mental state.
“Now I will tell you the answer to my question. It is this. The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power, pure power. What pure power means you will understand presently. We are different from the oligarchies of the past in that we know what we are doing. All the others, even those who resembled ourselves, were cowards and hypocrites. The German Nazis and the Russian Communists came very close to us in their methods, but they never had the courage to recognize their own motives. They pretended, perhaps they even believed, that they had seized power unwillingly and for a limited time, and that just around the corner there lay a paradise where human beings would be free and equal. We are not like that. We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now you begin to understand me.” -1984.
HOW MUCH SHOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR THERAPIST’S LIFE?
Today’s World It’s Impossible for Any Professional To Be A Blank Slate.
by
Lori Gottlieb (March 30, 2019 New York Times
When I was starting out as a therapist, a colleague told me what was intended to be a cautionary tale. After suffering a series of miscarriages, she was in a Starbucks when her doctor called with the news that her pregnancy wasn’t viable. Standing at the counter, she burst into heaving sobs. A patient happened to walk in, saw her hysterically crying therapist, walked out the door, canceled her next appointment and never went back to her.”You’re not going to keep writing now that you’re a therapist, right?” she said, more a statement than a question.My colleague knew that before going back to school to become a therapist, I had been a writer: I had written in books and magazines and newspapers about personal topics such as my childhood, my romantic life, having a baby on my own and being a parent. Maybe she thought that, say, a single woman in her late 30s who wanted to be a parent but would never do so solo wouldn’t seek me out as a therapist, or wouldn’t tell me the truth about how she felt for fear of offending me.I understood her concern. The therapeutic relationship exists in a certain context. Patients share their lives with us, not the other way around. But even if I stopped writing, the work I’d done was out there, available at the click of a mouse. Now I worried: If patients read about my life, would they be more reluctant to see me? Would they bolt like my colleague’s patient in Starbucks?
Therapists, of course, deal with the daily challenges of living just as everyone else does. In fact, this familiarity is at the root of the connection we forge with strangers who trust us with their most intimate stories and secrets. Our training has taught us theories and tools and techniques, but whirring beneath our expertise is the fact that we know just how hard it is to be a person. Which is to say, we still come to work each day as ourselves with our own sets of vulnerabilities, our own longings and insecurities and our own experiences and histories. Of all my credentials as a therapist, my most significant is that I’m a card-carrying member of the human race. Without this humanity, I’d be useless to help people.But revealing this humanity is another matter.Most therapists nowadays use some form of what’s known as self-disclosure in their work, whether it’s sharing some of their own reactions that come up during the session or acknowledging that they watch the TV show a patient keeps referring to. Better to admit that you watch “The Bachelor” than to feign ignorance and accidentally say Colton Underwood’s name when the patient hasn’t mentioned him yet.The question of what to share gets tricky.
One therapist I know told a patient whose child had Tourette’s syndrome that she, too, had a son with Tourette’s, and it deepened their relationship. Another colleague treated a man whose father had taken his own life, but he never revealed to the patient that his own father had done the same. In each situation, there’s a calculation to make, a subjective litmus test we use to assess the value of the disclosure: Is this information helpful for the patient to have?Outside the therapy room, though, what are the rules? Here are some things you don’t want to do in public as a therapist: Cry to a friend in a restaurant or say, “I know, Mom!” petulantly into your cellphone while in line at Costco with a patient nearby. If you’re a respected child psychologist, like a colleague of mine, you don’t want to be standing in the bakery when your 4-year-old has a meltdown about not getting another cookie, culminating with the ear-piercing proclamation “You’re the worst mom ever!” while your 6-year-old patient and her mother look on, aghast. The story of my colleague’s patient’s reaction to her crying in Starbucks haunted me, or at least its moral did: When patients see our humanity, they leave us.
And yet, many patients are also curious including me. I once Googled my own therapist and discovered that his father had died at a young age of a heart attack. Afterward, I began editing myself in sessions, wondering whether talking about my close relationship with my aging father would be painful for my therapist, being careful not to rub it in with an especially moving anecdote. When I finally fessed up, I learned that my assumptions were wrong. What I read didn’t capture his experience the way hearing it firsthand did.
I know that patients Google me, too, not because they necessarily tell me, but because eventually inevitably – they slip up. An offhand: “Well, you know what middle school boys are like” – despite my never having mentioned my son or his age; or adding “No offense” after making a negative comment about a sorority I belonged to in college and later wrote about.
This is why therapists don’t Google their patients we want to know about your lives, but only as narrated by you. We’re interested not just in the information but in the process of sharing that information: what you leave in, what you leave out, at what point you choose to share something that makes it seem as though you buried the lede, as when a patient might appear happily married but one day say, “There’s this guy at work I’ve been flirting with for months.”
Not one person I know well, maybe the very narcissistic – wants to talk to a therapist without a deep inner life, the human equivalent of a brick wall. When my colleague lost her pregnancy, she had the reaction any of us might have and that’s a good thing. If I’d been her patient, would I want her to take that call in my session? Of course not. But if I had seen her in Starbucks that day, it would have made me feel even safer with her, trusting her all the more to understand me and my own sources of pain.
IS THAT REAL MONEY OR FUN MONEY?
The Familiar Trap of Mental Accounting
by
Ashley Hamer Curiosity (May 2, 2017)
When is $10 not worth $10? That might seem like a ridiculous question, but in fact, $10 can have vastly different values in your head depending on where it comes from and what you’ve decided it’s meant for. For example, you’d probably happily pay $10 for Wi-Fi if you were on vacation, but tack $10 onto your cell phone bill, and you’d likely complain to customer service. This kind of financial psychology is called mental accounting, and while it’s incredibly common, it can get you into trouble.
One Of These Bills Is Not Like The Other Economist Richard Thaler was the first to introduce the idea of mental accounting. He shed light on this irrational tendency with a thought experiment originally posed by Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky, which goes like this: Imagine that you’ve just paid $10 for a ticket to a play. As you enter the theater, you realize that you’ve lost the ticket. Would you pay $10 for another ticket? Ok, imagine now that you’re at the same theater, but as you walk up to buy a ticket, you realize you’ve lost a $10 bill. Would you still pay $10 for a ticket?
In both cases, you’re losing $10-but somehow, one feels very different than the other. When Kahneman and Tversky asked this question, they found that less than half of the respondents would buy a second movie ticket if they had lost the first, but a whopping 88 percent would go ahead and buy a ticket if they had lost $10. That’s because in the first example, the $10 was already assigned to the mental account for attending the theater-buying a second ticket makes the play “cost” $20. But the cash you lost wasn’t assigned to anything, so it’s easy to write off.
Same goes for large and small purchases: people also said they were more likely to drive across town to save $5 on a $15 calculator than they are to save $5 on a $125 leather jacket. As Wired explains, “Their driving decision depended less on the absolute amount of money involved ($5) than on the particular mental account in which the decision was placed. If the savings activated a mental account with a miniscule amount of money-like buying a cheap calculator-then they were compelled to drive across town. But that same $5 seems irrelevant when part of a much larger purchase.
Money Is Money Is Money
The reason mental accounting is so irrational comes down to the concept of money’s fungibility: that is, the fact that all money is the same, no matter whether you assign it a purpose or not. Quirks of psychology, however, lead us to behave as if that’s not so. Loss aversion makes us treat money we already have as more valuable-or less fungible-than money we might receive, say with a tax refund or a lottery win. Same goes for “found” and “expected” money. You’re more likely to spend an unexpected gain, like a $5,000 work bonus, than you are to spend money you know is coming, like a $5,000 paycheck. Mental accounting is also why buying things with a credit card is so much less painful than buying them with a debit card: it uncouples the purchase from the payment, and turns individual purchases into part of a large, ordinary amount due.
So how do you behave more rationally when it comes to money? Understand that all money is the same, regardless of its origins or intended use. That means that unexpected money is the same as money in a paycheck; a $5 savings on a $15 purchase is the same as a $5 savings on a $125 purchase; and $10 lost is $10 lost, regardless of whether you’ve already bought a theater ticket. If you wouldn’t spend it in one situation, you might want to rethink spending it in this one.
“SHOPLIFTERS”
Recent Japanese Award-Winning Film
Now Available on DVD!
The recent Japanese movie “Shoplifters” won the 2018 Palme d’Or (Grand Prize) last May at the Cannes Film Festival in France. “Shoplifters” was one of five films nominated for “Best Foreign Film” at 91st Academy Awards (Oscars) two weeks ago. While it didn’t win the award (Mexico’s “Roma” did), I highly recommend seeing it.
My wife Tina and I saw “Shoplifters” twice over two weekends two months ago when it had a limited screening in Detroit. We really liked the film which was written and directed by the well-known veteran director Hirokazu Koreeda. In my opinion, only a relatively small part of the film was about shoplifting which, I hear, is a growing epidemic in Japan among various demographics (impoverished, thrill seekers, and those who–like most of us–have engaged in the behavior in a more addictive-compulsive manner).
We both found the film to be well-acted, filled with interesting characters and a complex storyline which explored the idea of what makes a family, selfishness vs. selflessness, relative ethics, and love and loss.
I may have mentioned this to the group before (or at least I’ve mentioned it in my free monthly e-Newsletter) but I just got word that the Japanese translation of my book Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery (2003) is almost completed by a Japanese publisher. I hope they can do some promotional coverage linking my book with the “Shoplifters” film. I’m even hopeful that my wife and I can travel to Japan later this year as part of a brief promotional tour and to visit with my new friend and colleague Dr. Hiroshi Akuda who is a psychiatrist in northern Japan who works with alcoholism, gambling disorder, and “kleptomania” and who visited me here in Detroit last June and found the Japanese publisher for my book. He’s coming back to Detroit for a visit in September. Maybe we can do some kind of promotional event here, too.
I highly recommend the film both for it’s rare look at shoplifting and for its film mastery itself.