Married to Recovery
By
Terrence Shulman
My wife Tina and I are about to celebrate our 14-year wedding anniversary on August 8th. According to some traditions, the 14-year wedding gift was ivory (now, more politically correct: animals… or gold jewelry) Who made these up?
All I can say is that I have learned a lot about myself, my partner, and relationships over the last 10 years… and something tells me I ain’t done learnin’ yet!
My parents were divorced when I was about 11 years old and my wife’s parents–as she likes to say– should’ve gotten divorced before they even started having kids! Like many or most of us, my wife and I didn’t have the best role models for marriage growing up. But I think what has kept us together is a combination of love, respect, good friends (including many couples), and a continued willingness to work on and look at ourselves.
I can also say that without at least a foundation of recovery in my life, my marriage would have been over long ago. My wife took a chance on me when, during our second date back in 1999, I divulged my history of shoplifting addiction. She could have simply said, “Check, please!” But she appreciated my honesty and commitment to my recovery.
Little did we know that, over the 14 years of our marriage, I would come to dance with other addictions including co-dependency, work, TV, Internet, and even food! Fortunately, we have pretty open communication and she expressed her concerns and I could (at least eventually) hear and address them.
Staying recovery-minded in relation to all addictions is imperative in keeping marriage honest and clean. When I’m not caring for myself or living a secret life and pulling away from my beloved, divorce becomes increasingly likely.
As we approach the 14-year mark, my wife and I have had enough time to see each other’s warts and develop a myriad of pet-peeves with each other. We’ve also let each other in enough to know each other’s tender spots and core issues. We recognize that no marriage is “perfect” in the sense that it’s always lovey-dovey and issue-free; instead, we’ve come to appreciate that marriage is a divine opportunity to become more aware of ourselves, to heal and grow, to practice patience and gentleness, to hold the torch for each other’s magnificence and to continue to learn how to give and receive and be love (intimacy). It’s the journey not the destination!
I’ve been married to recovery for over 26 years–about 12 years longer than my wife. But recovery is not a jealous mistress–recovery loves that I am married; nor is my wife jealous of my recovery or the time I devote to it, for it gives me half a chance to be the man and husband I dream to be.
The Olympics And Recovery
The XXXI (31st) Summer Olympics are upon us! And while much attention has been paid to the Russian athlete doping scandal and the myriad of concerns plaguing Rio and Brazil (the host country)–from local violence to threats of terrorism, the Zika virus, the dirty waters, and more focus on sex in the country that invented “The Brazilian.”
So, what do the Olympics have to do with recovery? Well, for one, I have previously found myself addicted to them! I don’t know about you but I can watch them 24/7 (at least for the 2 weeks they’re on TV). First, the opening ceremony was spectacular! Second, I am a sports nut to begin with! Third, I get to root for my fellow countrymen and countrywomen! Fourth, I get to be amazed by all the different events and colorful people and stories! Fifth, I get to be inspired by the discipline and heart of the athletes to push themselves to their limits! And sixth, I get to take a break from my other addiction–following politics!
On another level, I get to remind myself that as a recovering person I, too, am an Olympian of sorts. For recovery is like a marathon (or at least an event made up of many, many sprints). We work hard to understand ourselves and our addictions and to practice, practice, practice new ways to avoid relapse, get stronger, heal, grow and meet the challenges of life each and every day. All that training can make the difference between caving and succumbing to an urge to use/relapse or declaring a greater victory of achieving a personal best, breaking our own record(s), and standing on the podium (if only for a brief time), with our heads held high in dignity.
And like the Olympics which bring together men and women from across the globe and show us how similar we are, addiction is also the great equalizer. None of us can take on addiction by ourselves just as no athlete gets to the Olympics alone: he or she has many coaches, many supporters, and many fellow athletes to be inspired by and to learn from.
One of the ultimate goals of both the Olympics and recovery certainly is to be all we can be–or at least to give it our all! And that sounds a lot to me what recovery is meant to be.
Do it for Your Dog: How Pets Help Us Heal
Are you a pet lover? My wife and I are both partial to dogs and, in our childhoods, each had several. As a couple, we used to dog-sit / “co-parent” our friend Carol’s two Shih-tzus Benj and Penelope. They both went to doggie heaven several years ago are both were such special beings. Isn’t it incredible how our love for animals/pets sometimes seems so much more pure and unconditional than our love for people? And how easy it is for us and our four-legged loved ones to melt into each other with love?
Well, about two and a half-years ago, my wife and I rescued an older, nearly blind male Shih-tzu named Bam Bam. As the saying goes: Who rescued who? Bam Bam has been such a blessing to us both– especially since we don’t have kids (we like the term “chlld-free” rather than “childless.”) Bam Bam has more personality than any dog we’ve known. And he thinks he’s a real therapy dog (and my clients seem to unanimously agree) as he happily greets them for their sessions with me and lays on the couch next to their side, still and quiet, open to being petted or not, absorbing the emotions, traumas, and struggles to help facilitate more peace, joy and healing.
I got to thinking about the relationship between our pets and our own recoveries and healing processes. As much as it’s hard for us to imagine life without them, just stop and think for a moment from their point of view. We’re not just a meal-ticket to them! If we don’t take care of ourselves, we’re depriving them, too!
Have you ever heard of a therapy dog or pet? You know, the ones that typically visit hospitals? Well, when we’re feeling down or blue, I bet most of our pets pick up on that. I know Bam Bam does. Let them in. And return the favor. If you have access to your pet 24/7, consider trying–if you haven’t already– reaching out for your pet if you’re at risk for relapse. Pet them, feed, them, cuddle with them, walk them, talk to them, play with them, vent to them; just don’t kick ’em or yell at them!
Remember: pets are people, too! As for Bam Bam, I honor this unique little beast with all his different moods and habits and rituals, with his own personality and his own journey. I love how he “leans in” to me by rubbing his head against me as he lets go and becomes more vulnerable. He is my teacher: I get to be as gentle to him and he has been to me and, maybe, must maybe, I can learn how to be as gentle with myself.