My Friend Jim, A Former Child Sex Offender
by
Terry Shulman
So, I have to admit, I’m a little nervous writing this short article… especially as a lead. But I wanted to make sure people read it.
About 5 years ago, a Toledoarea man in his mid60’s called me out of the blue. He said his name was Jim and that he was working on getting his social work degree and license and he’d come across my websites and read about my journey “coming out” as a recovering shoplifter and admired my courage, felt inspired, and thought I could assist him in his journey as well. I asked him: have you had a problem with stealing? He said, “No. I’m a recovering sex addict and sex offender.”
Radio silence… I didn’t know what to say. My first thought, honestly, was: “Who is this weirdo?” I’m sure I thought about hanging up. But, I took a breath and listened. He spent the next 1015 minutes telling me a bit about his story and how, like me, he felt called to be a more vocal educator and advocator on issues related to sex offenses and sex offenders. And, like me, he wanted to come out of the shadows of shame and be a beacon of hope and healing, especially to fellow sex offenders. He told me he’d committed his crime against a minor decades ago and had served nearly 10 years in a federal prison.
I’d never met a sex offender before. Or, more accurately, I’d never met a known sex offender who was “out about it.” I consider myself to be a fairly nonjudgmental person. But I certainly had my judgments. As a matter of fact, over the two decades since I’d started the first C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) meeting in metroDetroit, I’d talked with hundreds (maybe thousands) of shoplifters and others with theft behaviors who felt racked with guilt and shame. One of my common lines had been: “I understand your shame but lets put things in a little perspective: it’s not like you killed anyone drunk driving or molested a child.” (Note: I’ve changed that line to simply saying: “remember: nobody died.”)
After listening to Jim on our first phone callhow he was married himself and had an adult child, how he recently remarried, and how much we otherwise had in common in our life journeysmy mind and heart had opened just enough to say “yes” when, before we ended our call, he asked if I’d be willing to meet with him for coffee in the near future.
Let me say that Jim makes no excuses for his past offenses and that he works diligently to make sure he never acts out again. That’s certainly not the case for all sex offenders but nor is it for many shoplifters. The notion of monitoring himself as a recovering sex offender was something that intrigued me and made sense as a strategy that could be helpful and effective for the offenders, their loved ones, and the public at large. In other words, instead of merely writing millions of people off with the thought “once a predator/monster always a predator/monster” (or, as in my case, “once a thief always a thief”), there could be hope for change.
Jim and I did, indeed meet for coffee shortly after our talk. My wife have gotten to know him and his wife. And, as you may or may not suspect, Jim (and most sex offenders) often are very kind and vulnerable people who themselves have usually experienced early childhood trauma, loss or have been victims of abuse themselves.
Over the last 5 years, our friendship has grown. I respect Jim for his courage to get help for himself and, even more, his courage to then want to help others find a lifeline out of the shadows of shame, fear, and ignorance. Jim has started a consulting business to counsel and assist sex offenders and their loved ones understand the journey toward healing and wholeness as well as what to expect prior to prison, in prison, and after prison. Apparently, he’s one of only a handful of persons in the U.S. doing this kind of work as a former sex offender himself. He’s hopeful. He recently told me about a local Toledo man who ran for office and was very out about having been a convicted sex offender. One of his ads said: “What do I have to hide? Nothing… I Am A Convicted Sex Offender Who Served Time for My Crime.” According to Jim, he didn’t win election but he did receive nearly 1,000 votes.
But, sadly, for most sex offenders in our country, it’s a rough haul. Each state has a mandatory sex registry which is a public record and many citieseven large oneshave all kinds of ordinances to prohibit registered sex offenders from living in or even being in certain areas. See: Recent Article from September 2016.
One of the ways Jim is trying to talk about this proverbial elephant in the living room is by offering public presentations. I will be joining Jim on Sunday February 26, 2017 from 24pm at St. Andrews Church in Toledo, Ohio. The title of Jim’s presentation is “Make a Better Life” and is geared especially for ex sex offenders and their loved ones. He is promoting it discreetly and mailing out postcards directly to persons in the area on the sex offender registry. He has already received a few phone calls asking for him to take them off his list. If you or someone is interested in learning more, call Jim at 4194918268 or visit his website at: www.PrisonCONversation.com.
Be Your Own Valentine First!
by
Terry Shulman
Well, we’re one month into the New Year. How are you doing? Do you feel “new”? Did you make any resolutions? Did you break them yet? And here comes Valentine’s Day right around the corner.
For many, this holiday is truly a joyous occasionan opportunity to make that little (or big) extra effort to show someone you really care, you really love ’em. For others, it’s a dreaded day: whether you don’t have a “significant” other, you’re going through relationship “challenges,” or you just can’t seem to get on board with the whole “Hallmark” feel of it. When was the last time you took yourself on a date?
Is it possible the best indicator of whether Valentine’s Dayor any day for that matteris a joyful opportunity to love is: have I loved myself first? We’ve all paid lip service to the platitude “you have to love yourself before you love someone else.” But do we really believe it? Do we really live it? Or do we live like the famous line in “Jerry Maguire”waiting for someone to “complete me”? But “I love him/her more than I love myself.” Does that sound noble… or sad?
I’m not speaking as someone who has mastered selflove. I’m speaking as a fellow journeyer. I’ve been married almost five years now and, I can tell you, keeping love alive isn’t always easy. I’m also recognizing that I really want to learn to love others more deeply and to receive others’ love more deeply. If you’re like me and you’ve ever had trouble taking a compliment, accepting help, or letting love in, it’s likely there some residue of unworthiness lodged in our hearts, keeping us from fully loving ourselves and, therefore, from fully loving one another.
We use the term “significant other.” What about “significant self”? Sounds funny, doesn’t it? As if to love ourselves still sounds conceited, selfcentered, and narcissistic. I like the saying “I am my only life partner.” In essence, I am married to myself whether I like it or notthere’s no real divorcing myselfso I might as well continue to work on this primary relationship with me… while I continue to offer the best I have of my love to others. There’s also the saying “we are all one, we’re all connected.” To the degree I embrace this as true, it seems to follow as a goal or intention to treat others as I would like to be treated and vice-versa.
We’re not taught much about selflove or selfcare. Our bodies, minds and spirits are truly temples. Nobody’s perfect. I don’t love myself perfectly and I haven’t yet loved anybody else perfectlyif I’m perfectly honest. But I’m really starting to get that the degree to which I can love anybody unconditionally is largely contingent on how able I am to love myself unconditionally. Even when it seems I treat others better than I treat myself, it has often felt as if I’ve tried to love someone hard enough to make myself feel good enough, worthy of their love. It’s a sad but common game. Actually, I’ve heard it said that the phrase “unconditional love” is redundant: love, by definition, is unconditional… anything else is not love.
One of my other favorite aphorisms is by Peter Rengel from his book “Living Life in Love”: “Loving yourself is accepting yourself, especially when you are not accepting yourself.” Take addictions, for example. Who would deny that at some level, addictions are a form of self-destruction, self-punishment, self-hatred? Certainly, we fall into these cycles and have great challenges, pulling themselves out even when we are hurting and claim to want help. But, I believe, what keeps us from stopping smoking, overeating, over-drinking, over-spending-you name itis that the fuel for our madness hasn’t yet been siphoned out of our tanks; that fuel, deep down, is self-loathing. And the more I hate myself for falling into an addiction in the first place, the more my addiction gets a stranglehold on me.
Often, asking for help is the key because someone can lend a hand and remind me I am lovable and assist me in my journey toward greater self-acceptance and self-love. If I am accepting and loving myself at a high level, it is unlikely I would do anything to harm myself physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
We might just take note of the ways in which we recognize we aren’t loving ourselves. The point isn’t to further beat up on ourselves but, to take honest account of where we’re out of integrity. Again, be ready to share with someone or ask for help. Ultimately, the best gift we can give ourselves and our loved ones is taking good care of ourselves. We know this is true.
So, this Valentine’s Day, I plan on doing something special for my wife to let her know I love her. Of course, I hope she knows that already-the holiday is just another opportunity to be creative in expressing it. But even before I put my focus on her, I am already checking in with how I’m loving me. I am giving myself the gift of exercise, eating well, taking down time, asking for help when needed, easing up on my perfectionism, and just patting myself on the back for being a good person at heart. I’m also planning on giving myself some kind of little treat for Valentine’s Day to “pay myself first,” to fill my tank full of love so that it spills over to others.
I encourage each of us to be our own Valentine first and then send out whatever love we can to the world… it certainly needs it.
Black History Month in The Time of Trump
by
Terry Shulman
Black (or AfricanAmerican History Month, or National African American History Month, is an annual celebration of achievements by black Americans and a time for recognizing the central role of African Americans in U.S.history. The event grew out of “Negro History Week,” the brainchild of noted historian Carter G. Woodson and other prominent African Americans. Since 1976, every U.S. president has officially designated the month of February as Black History Month. Other countries around the world, including Canada and the United Kingdom, also devote a month to celebrating black history.
Some people (especially those who aren’t black) may ask: why should I observe, let alone celebrate, black history. I remember as a white Jewish kid growing up in Detroit, I innocently asked that question of a teacher. Frankly, I can’t even remember if she was black or white, but I will never forget her answer: “Because we celebrate white history month throughout the year.” Now, whatever you think of her answer, it has stuck with me and prods me to be curious, sensitive and open to understanding others’ perspectives, especially those of minorities or those with less societal power and who also have experienced a history or oppression, discrimination and negative stereotypes.
Black History Month is also a reminder not to take too much for granted. Yes, AfricanAmericans and people of color around the globe have made much progress in the last century. But, if you haven’t noticed, such progress is dependent on vigilance and can easily slip away. We’ve seen an increase in police brutality, erosion of voting rights, and (now being heard by the U.S. Supreme Court) possible erosion of fair housing access to all.
The Jews-also a minority with a rough history-continue to remember the Holocaust and various Jewish achievements. And antisemitism is resurgent across the globe. Women have come a long way but they, generally, still aren’t paid as well as men for the same work and domestic violence and sexual assault toward women (even in the military and in schools) are epidemic! The LGBT cause has certainly evolved rapidly, especially since the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage.
On the heels of the Martin Luther King Day holiday and the deep division after the recent presidential inauguration, it’s important we remember the courage of many to agitate peacefully for high ideals such as freedom of expression and civil rights. These fights are not secure! In many ways, they’ve only begun. There are those who are threatened by freedom and expression and equal and civil rights.
Whose side are you on?