The Mother of All Our Issues? by Terrence Shulman
Mothers Day is around the corner and the holiday often brings up strong emotions which may triggers relapses into addiction. So be prepared and be on guard! The relationship between mother and child—no matter how old we are—is likely the most important, primal and fundamental relationship we’ll have. I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “mother issues” are at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems. This is not to blame mothers, per se, as no mother is perfect. But it is important for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our mothers whether they are actively in our lives or not.
Some of the most common reasons both men and women have mother issues include the following:
1. a mother died early in a child’s life or committed suicide;
2. a mother was addicted and/or mentally ill and was not able to be physically and/or emotionally present and attuned to her child;
3. a mother was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with her child;
4. a mother appeared to favor one of her children over another.
5. a mother needed rescue, help, or companionship and her child played the role of partner or parent;
6. a mother held unrealistically high expectations of her child and the child became inauthentic to receive mothers love/approval;
7. a mother was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward her child;
8. a mother had little natural or cultivated interest in being a mother to her child;
9. a mother betrayed her child’s confidence in some way;
10. a mother was “perfect” and modeled this in a way her child felt unable to compete with;
11. a mother was overly critical of her child;
- a mother was overly “smothering,” domineering or controlling;
- a mother committed infidelity in her marriage & her child knew;
- a mother encouraged her child to tell or keep secrets;
- a mother broke the law and/or modeled dishonesty.
Which of the above issues seems to resonate with you? The core effects of the situations described above often result in persistent feelings of neglect, rejection, abandonment, self-doubt, low self-esteem/self-worth, codependency/care-taking others, as well as loneliness, depression, anxiety, and anger. There may be other wounds or conflicts that develop around our relationship with our mothers than are listed above. Have you worked through any of these issues or does it feel like you still need to?
Because I didn’t have the best role model for a father, I found myself feeling ashamed to be a man, not trusting men or authority, and quite confused about both women and what I wanted to do with my life. Fortunately, I had a great therapist who encouraged me to read books about men’s issues and to participate in men’s support groups and retreats where I found I was not alone, began to trust men again, and to see the positive aspects of men and authentic masculinity. We rarely talked about or looked into our relationships with our mothers in my men’s groups.
It’s been theorized that the reason the “men’s movement” of the 1990’s petered out was that we didn’t know how to individually and collectively deal with our mother issues and, so, we kind of hit a wall. At least for most men, regardless of sexual orientation, our issues with mother often are more subtle yet also more scary and powerful. Compared to my father’s more obvious failings, my mother was a saint. But in the past few years, events led me to come to the conclusion that I had to deal with my mother issues, too. For me, part of this arose in the context of my 10 year marriage to my wife. It’s not uncommon for men to have issues with their wives that are, at the core, issues with mother or “the feminine.”
How many men, when asked to do something by their wives or face a perceived criticism, feel like a 5-year old being ordered or scolded by mother. I also realized that I’d continued to play the good son role despite having made progress on this. I still felt scary to speak up more, share my feelings and truth, and risk my mother’s love—I’d been so used to being her protector, her biggest fan. I had to come to terms with my mother’s (and my own) limitations in our relationship. I’ve been learning to let go of that primal desire to have “mommy” be there for me as I continue in adulthood and it’s my judgment that my mother has had to learn that I won’t always be there for her as I was in the past. I think we both needed to be knocked off our pedestals a bit. It’s been painful for both of us but necessary, too.
It’s natural to look to Mom (or Dad) to be a safe space to share our pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn’t mean they don’t share their own pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary role of a parent is to be strong and mature enough to absorb their child’s expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try to see the gift in their child’s courageous, if imprecise, offering of their pain, their perspective. As we grow up (and, hopefully, we do) we leam to differentiate from our parents, need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and develop compassion for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they likely were raised). But this doesn’t mean it’s easy.
We are taught to honor thy parents but that doesn’t mean we don’t speak our minds our share our hearts. I also am slowly coming to realize, as my mother ages, that she won’t always be around: Mom is mortal. She just turned 76 this year and is dealing with both some physical and cognitive changes. The question arises: what do I/we need to say to my/our mother or feel in my/our heart so /wel can be as complete as possible when she passes? I can only say that when my wife and my friends are able to hear each others’ grievances and concerns without attacking back or defending (and when I can hear them), it creates safety and trust and deepens our relationships. I can’t think of a better way to honor each other.
In this context, wouldn’t it be great if—this Mothers Day—instead of cards and flowers, we could give the gift of honesty, our mother could receive it lovingly, and we would retum the favor?