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THANKSGIVING IN THE AGE OF ANXIETY
by Terry Shulman
As the holiday season approaches, we may feel a mix of excitement and dread. Stressful thoughts of family gatherings, crowded stores, high expectations, blown budgets, and hangovers of various kinds. We may need to make requests, ask for help, set boundaries, say “no,” or even avoid certain people and situations altogether. All this and the threat of nuclear war looming, too!
It’s vital we stop and take some time to dig deep and stand firm: we can largely create our own holiday experiences. All holidays offer us an opportunity to slow down (most of us speed up!) to reflect on the spirit of each holiday, find ways to be creative, gather with those we love and who love us, and celebrate life through rituals that, hopefully, live and breathe rather than feel mechanical. And, of course, all holidays offer us a chance to feel grateful for something… we don’t have to wait until late November to do so.
What is “gratitude”? Gratitude has many definitions but how about this: simply living from a place of thankfulness that acknowledging everything you receive as a small miracle. It means shifting your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that’s already present. Research shows that gratitude heightens your quality of life. Quality of life is one reason to live from a place of gratitude, particularly in the face of adversity; it’s the difference between being a hero and being a victim. In the aftermath of extraordinary hardship or cruelty, some people are able to express deep gratitude. Others are left with bitterness.
We may wonder: “why me?” and sometimes the silence of the universe is deafening. Sometimes there are no answers. Just lessons to be learned. This is where acceptance comes in. Can we accept the world, your world, whatever and however it is? The pain strips away layers of protection until you are left standing naked and alone. We can find a way to be with it, not against it, without anger or resentment. This is when we begin to touch our humanity. And, for that, we are, in time profoundly and deeply grateful. Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire. If you did, what would be there to look forward to?
True, deep gratitude may seem elusive to us. It certainly is easier to complain, feel lack, and focus on what we don’t like about our lives and life in general. For many of us, there are real challenges in our families and in the world that make it hard for us to feel anything but gloom and doom. It may be hard enough to shift our attention to the good, the holy, the miraculous in even the mundane. Yet, this is what we are called to do. Keep it simple. It’s certainly challenging to find the gift and the gratitude in our struggles, our loved ones’ struggles, and in the world’s struggles. But we are called to do this. Nearly everyone of of us have experienced weathering a storm or crisis and been grateful not merely to have survived but to have opened up and been transformed in some way that has positively enhanced our life; be it new appreciation, new wisdom, new spirituality. It’s even harder to be grateful in the midst of the storm or crisis.
I don’t know where I’d be without my childhood struggles; as painful as it was, it led me to become a codependent and a shoplifting addict which, in turn, led me to recovery and, eventually, becoming a therapist and being of service to many people. Dr. Mark Seery of the University of Buffalo-along with other researchers, found in one study, that although people who experienced lots of adversity were generally more distressed than others, those who had experienced no traumatic events in their lives had similar psychological problems.
The people with the best outcomes were those who had experienced some negative events in their lives.
“Just because something bad has happened to someone doesn’t mean they’re doomed to be damaged from that point on,” he said.
Another study found that people with chronic back pain were able to get around better if they had experienced some serious adversity, whereas those who had suffered either large amounts of adversity, or none at all, were more impaired in life. It’s been theorized that one possibility for this pattern was that people who have been through traumatic experiences have had the opportunity to develop their coping mechanisms more acutely. Dr. Seery said: “The idea is that negative life experiences can toughen people, making them better able to manage subsequent difficulties. People who have gone through stressful events may have stronger social networks than others, as they have learnt how to get help from others when they need it.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that gratitude will come easily or naturally in a crisis. It’s easy to feel grateful for the good things. No one “feels” grateful that he or she has lost a job or a home or good health or has taken a devastating hit on his or her retirement portfolio. But it is vital to make a distinction between feeling grateful and being grateful. We don’t have total control over our emotions. We cannot easily will ourselves to feel grateful, less depressed, or happy. Feelings follow from the way we look at the world, thoughts we have about the way things are, the way things should be, and the distance between these two points. But being grateful is a choice, a prevailing attitude that endures and is relatively immune to the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives. When disaster strikes, gratitude provides a perspective from which we can view life in its entirety and not be overwhelmed by temporary circumstances. Yes, this perspective is hard to achieve, but it is worth the effort.
If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you’ that would suffice. Meister Eckhart Be thankful when you don’t know something for it gives you the opportunity to learn. Be thankful for the difficult times, for during those times you grow. Be thankful for your limitations because they give you opportunities for improvement. Be thankful for each new challenge because it will build your strength and character. need to grow up, too. Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons. Be thankful when you’re tired and weary. Because it means you’ve made a difference.
SOME TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS
by
Terry Shulman
1. If you choose to shop, shop early, before the crowds hit.
2. Go through your belongings and see if there are any gifts you can re-gift or recycle.
3. Remember the spirit of the holidays–it’s not about the things, it’s about the joy and shared experience with key family and friends.
4. If you have few family or friends and you’re worried about loneliness, be proactive and find local support group meetings, other open gatherings/events, and make a plan to attend some: you might just make a new friend or two.
5. Stop and remember what has happened and how you felt when you were in your addiction during holidays past. Did you shoplift or steal from work and feel guilty? Were you arrested or fired from a job for stealing? Did you break your budget and regret it later, starting the new year stressed out? Did you feel ashamed to have friends or family over because your home was a disaster zone? KISS–Keep It Simple Silly!
6. If you have kids and you’re feeling pressured to buy for them, stop and remember what you’re teaching them. Remember when you were a kid, it’s most likely your best memories are about the activities and the time together you spent with loved ones, not the stuff you got! Be creative and get kids engaged in activities they’ll cherish forever. Take photos. Have fun!
7. If you feel lack due to finances or other issues in your life, consider volunteering (and bring the kids, too, if you have them) at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, or donating Toys for Tots (again, recycle gifts if need be). Bring a smile-safely and responsibly-to the lives of those less fortunate.
8. Don’t abuse alcohol, drugs or food: they’re a waste of time, energy and money. Have a plan to get some moderated exercise, get some outdoor fresh air, eat healthy, get enough sleep, and find some quiet solitude.
9. If getting together with family/friends brings up difficult emotions, choose either not to attend or minimize the time spent with them and “book-end” your visits with calls to support people or meetings before, during, and after your visit.
10. Set a budget that works for how much you can spend comfortably on yourself and others.
11. Oh… and don’t forget to breathe….
WE CAN ONLY KEEP WHAT WE GIVE AWAY…
Make a Tax-Deductible Year-End Contribution To C.A.S.A., LLC
Dear Friends,
Looking to make a meaningful tax-deductible gift? Please consider writing a check to C.A.S.A., LLC (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous).
Since starting the first nationwide C.A.S.A. support group in metro-Detroit in 1992, we have seen this group expand both in metro-Detroit as well as across the U.S. We also have online and phone support groups, too! Nearly 10% of Americans shoplift, approximately 75% of Americans engage in employee theft, and many more engage in other forms of addictive-compulsive stealing. People need various resources to confront and deal with their problems with stealing. The holiday season is a particularly difficult time for many.
In 2009, I registered a non-profit wing-C.A.S.A., LLC-of my company The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending and Hoarding. If you are interesting in donating any amount of money, we will provide a receipt that can be used on your tax return. Donations to C.A.S.A., LLC help me better serve various individuals in the following ways:
*We mail information, meeting lists, and my books (notably: “Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery” and “Biting The Hand That Feeds: The Employee Theft Epidemic”) to indigent persons and/or those currently incarcerated.
*We make phone calls and visits to jails, prisons, or mental health institutions to educate about addictive- compulsive stealing and treatment/recovery options.
*We assist individuals nationwide in starting C.A.S.A. support groups.
*We offer reduced-fee or free counseling services to those who cannot afford it.
“We offer court-evaluations for those who cannot afford it.
*We offer free public talks on addictive-compulsive stealing and treatment/recovery options.
*To offset fees we pay to our website designer to update various C.A.S.A. support group listings and other info online.
We encourage you to donate to this cause, especially whether my work, my books, or any C.A.S.A. support group has helped you in any way. Pay it forward and help someone else. We can only keep what we give away.
Any donations may be made through PayPal using this link: http://www.theshulmancenter.com/online- store.htm You may also mail with a check made payable to “Terrence Shulman and C.A.S.A., LLC” to me PO Box 250008 Franklin, Michigan 48025 U.S.A. You will promptly be mailed a receipt.
Thank you for your consideration and Happy Holidays! Sincerely, Terrence Shulman, The Shulman Center and C.A.S.A., LLC
JAPANESE KLEPTOMANIA SPECIALIST VISITS DETROIT
by
Terry Shulman
Dr. Hiroshi Okuda, a psychiatrist at Irabu General Hospital in Kanagawa, Japan recently visited me in early October. He has translated my book Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery into Japanese and found a Japanese publisher who would like to publish it next year. Over the last several years, Dr. Okuda has worked with Japanese patients who’ve suffered from “kleptomania” or other theft-related behaviors. Apparently, shoplifting and stealing are quite prevalent in Japan.
Dr. Okuda (“Hiroshi” as I called him) spent two days in Detroit and my wife and I greeted him at his downtown hotel. He’s a cheerful slight man in his early 60’s who has been married over 30 years and has a son and daughter in their late 20’s. He was very gracious and excited to meet me. In fact, he treated me like I was a rock star! I felt flattered and was equally excited that someone else in the mental health profession was expressing such curiosity, passion, and concern about understanding and treating patients with these disorders. The three of us enjoyed a drink and hors d’oeuvres at the elegant hotel bar and restaurant.
I then drove my wife home and Hiroshi and I went to a local C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) meeting. There were only five members that night (including myself) but everyone had been told about Hiroshi’s attending and were very honored he’d traveled so far. Hiroshi shared with me that there are over 20 C.A.S.A.-like groups in Japan but they are in the early stages and most meet far away from where he works and lives. He’d never actually been to any of the meetings so he was very happy to experience people sharing so openly about themselves as most people in both the U.S. and Japan feel quite ashamed of their stealing behavior. After the C.A.S.A. meeting, Hiroshi asked several follow-up questions of the group members and nodded his head gratefully as they spoke.
After a long day/night, I drove Hiroshi back to his hotel downtown… The following day, I met him at his hotel for lunch and then took him to several museums downtown. In addition to running his own clinic for alcoholics, gamblers and kleptomaniacs, he somehow finds time to read voraciously, travel, and teach human behavior at a local university.
Hiroshi and I have been in touch by email over the last week or two and it looks like the publishing of my book is on track. I’m excited about the impact it may have on the culture there. I hope many people find it as fascinating as Hiroshi has! I’ve never been to Japan but it would be great to visit him around like I did for him here. I have to start learning some Japanese!
FYI: If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.