LOVE (AND RECOVERY) IN THE TIME OF COVID-19
And Other Random Thoughts on These Times
by
Terrence Shulman
I know I’m not alone in feeling that this time is surreal… like a bad dream.
One day, maybe sooner than later, someone (or many people) will write a book from their perspective on what he/she/we have experienced during this very rare and trying time in human history. The title of this article is a nod to the book title Love In The Time of Cholera (1985) by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I’m also thinking Garcia Marquez’s book title 100 Years of Solitude (1967) evokes a feeling we might relate to. Perhaps Albert Camus’ 1947 novel The Plague best describes what the individuals and the community go through during a time similar to ours. Hopefully, we don’t get to a point of doom illustrated in the films Contagion (2011) or 12 Monkeys (1996).
“Perspective, People!” I find myself saying this to myself when I start to become sad, anxious, or angry that my life–as I knew it just a month or so ago-has been interrupted-and I don’t know when or if it will return to “normal.” I try to stay aware that I’m fortunate (so far). I don’t believe I have the virus and don’t believe any of my family or friends (so far) have it either. So, I’m grateful. But my wife and I had to cancel our April trip to Japan-sad!-(Delta airlines is gave us e-credit-relieved). I feel fortunate to be self-employed, have a home office, and a career (therapist) in which much of my services are provided by phone or video-conferencing yet I fear my business is slower than normal just due to the upheaval, fear and uncertainty. I feel glad I’ve saved several months of emergency funds (thanks Suze Orman!) to get me through this tough time but I’m worried about my retirement investments not coming back in value. I still feel disappointed that my family didn’t get to celebrate my Mom’s 81st birthday together on St. Patrick’s day; I feel glad she and my 90-year old stepdad are both virus-free and relatively safe hunkered down in their nice senior living complex not far from me and that I can talk by phone with them daily. My local men’s and recovery support groups can’t meet in person but we are, instead, meeting by phone or via Zoom video. And on it goes… Can you relate?
I remind myself that in every crisis there’s both fear/danger as well as opportunity/lessons/gifts. Typically, we’re lucky if we can find any “gold” once the dust settles and, often, it’s not until much time has passed and our perspective is more objective. But this time, I (and I sense others, too) am actively and presently looking for those gifts/lessons/opportunities now rather than later. Some of these golden nuggets this virus has brought include (for me and, perhaps, others): the time to slow down, rest, and chill; time to appreciate what (and who) is really important; and a chance for Mother Earth, nature, and animals to breathe, relax, and get healthier (have you seen those satellite photos online?!) Of course, there’s always the question of whether- if/when this virus crisis subsides, if we’ll be able to (or even want to) hang onto the gits we’ve gained.
There are also the opportunities that may continue to arise: hopefully, we’ll generally see the best of each other rather than the worst. I hope this includes our coming together more as a nation and as people of the world, to really get how interconnected we are by climate, virus, war, economies, and that it’s imperative to stay on this track.
What have these times been like for you? What have been the challenges? The opportunities, lessons, or gifts? Are you seeing the best of people or the worst? Are you being the best or not so much?
There’s still time to choose.
IN THESE TIMES, WE ARE TRULY LIVING
THE STORY OF PASSOVER AND EASTER
by
Terrence Shulman
I got a group text from my brother recently saying “wouldn’t it be ironic if Passover was cancelled because of a plague” (the coronavirus). I had to laugh but I feel sad, too, that we likely won’t be having a Passover Seder with family when the holiday falls this April 8 and 9. For those who didn’t get “the joke,” Passover is
observed to remember and retell the story of the ancient Jews, enslaved in Egypt, who escaped with the help of God who cast ten plagues upon the Egyptians and then parted the Red Sea to The Promised Land
I then texted back to my brother and our group of several friends “wouldn’t it be ironic if, in order to reboot the economy and get our nation ‘back to normal,’ people filled the churches for Easter and ended up flipping the script of the holiday: insead of death to rebirth our refusal to surrender contributed to reviving the virus and causing more actual death to people and metaphoric death to our way of life.” Well, this seems unlikely now (fortunately) as President Trump just declared a national order to continue “social distancing” at least through April 30.
Whatever your politics or your spiritual beliefs, at this point it doesn’t look like it would be prudent to rush our understandable urges to “get back to normal life” as soon as possible. If most Jews likely won’t even risk gathering in their homes with their families for Passover, I would hope that most Christians won’t risk gathering a few days later in churches full of congregants and strangers to observe Good Friday and Easter.
This is certainly a period none will forget too easily. Time will tell what happens next.
Regardless of if or how we celebrate Passover or Easter in a couple of weeks–and despite self-isolating, social distancing, or even being quarantined, I think we can all agree that it was a long, hard, winter, and we’re looking forward to the new buds of spring-literally and figuratively. And each holiday can–perhaps during these times more than ever-give us a more palpable sense of the suffering and hope of our ancestors and (hopefully, soon) a more palpable experience of the freedom and liberation at the heart of each story/holiday.
Passover and Easter remind us of the triumphs of breaking free and being reborn. You don’t have to be religious to embrace these universal themes and journeys. Both holidays celebrate the movement from sorrow to joy, darkness to light, death to rebirth. For Passover, the story is one of enslavement to freedom. With Easter, the story is one of crucifixion and resurrection, death and rebirth.
When I think about the shift from winter to spring, I think of rebirth of life: flowers, trees, and of increased light and joy. I recall another tough-weathered season that toughened my soul but wore out its welcome. I also
look forward to my own personal, professional, and spiritual growth and to shed off some of the old and
obsolete patterns that no longer serve me.
This is a great time to ask ourselves the following questions:
What did I learn during my winter slumber?
What have been enslaved to and how am I finding new freedom from this?
How have I recently died (symbolically) and who has this process given rebirth to? When is it time to take a stand and when is it time to let go and surrender?
When is it time to uproot and make an exodus and when is it time to allow ourselves to be nailed to the cross in the name of something bigger than ourselves?
As Jesus and the Jews demonstrated: standing up for ourselves, for a cause, and/or for others can be hard. We may suffer for it and die in some sense to be reborn. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Jesus and Moses certainly went through their trials and tribulations but they have endured as symbols of strength and transformation for millions. Many of us feel as if we’ve wandered “40 years” between enslavement and freedom, have felt crucified and resurrected and those budding flowers of spring both delicate and strong beyond measure, we face the cycle of the seasons within and without. But we can endure, we can grow, we can move toward freedom.
During my winter slumber, I continued the process of reclaiming my truest sources of strength and abundance which does not lie within certain people but, rather, more deeply within myself and the universe- at-large. I’ve continued to see more clearly, and painfully sometimes, how I still have patterns of deep fear around failure and around not having enough money to survive. During the last couple of months of this building coronavirus, these issues are up for me (and, I assume, others) big time. I am conscious about drawing upon the stories of Passover and Easter for inspiration, strength, and serenity.
There is much to celebrate always, even in the tough times. This is another them of both Passover and Easter. I just celebrated 30 years of recovery on March 3rd. I can see how far I’ve come not only in my recovery but in my life. I feel blessed to have had so many opportunities in my recovery and in my work to meet and help others and to be a voice for hope and recovery. I continue to experience periodic doubts and insecurities, frustration and impatience around finances and where my path may lead. I can learn to speak my truth more, take myself and life more lightly, trust I will be provided for, and balance work and play. In other words, I hope I continue to become my most authentic and free self.
We may look at the world around us and see deep darkness: the virus, the economy, war, political polarization, environmental decay, and the lingering legacy of discrimination and prejudice in many forms. I try to remember the symbolism of the Hebrews “breakthrough” and subsequent 40 years of wandering in the
desert before finding higher ground. I try to remember the persecution of Jesus and his suffering on the cross but try not to dwell on the crucifixion but, rather, on the resurrection. May we all acknowledge our individual and collective suffering but also claim our victory over it.
May we appreciate and need to embrace the beautiful and powerful themes of Passover and Easter now more than ever. We may find safe and creative ways to enjoy the food and family (say by phone or video). And, when the time eventually seems right (whenever that is), I hope we will appreciate the opportunity to start again, to renew, to be reborn, to find freedom and believe in miracles-amid the darkness, the seeming endlessness and impossible–once again.
SHOPPING ADDICTIONS ARE REAL!
And Researchers Found A Way To Diagnose Them!
by
Abby Moore (mbg 3/1/20)
Nearly 6% of Americans have compulsive buying disorder, which can lead to emotional distress and, in some cases, debilitating debt. Despite the mental and financial burdens of excessive buying, the International Classification of Diseases did not label it a formal mental health disorder. But thanks to a new diagnostic scale, researchers are one step closer to evaluating and legitimizing the issue.
A team of researchers, led by Mike Kyrios, Ph.D., and Dan Fassnacht, Ph.D., developed the Excessive Buying Rating Scale (EBRS), based on information from 358 participants. The findings were published in the Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, and the scale helps evaluate the severity of buying-shopping disorders and predict who might be at risk.
Who is at risk of excessive buying?
People who strongly believe purchases are beneficial, rather than problematic, are more likely to have excessive buying problems.
“Strong beliefs that buying an object will lead to emotional security-or that not purchasing the object will lead
to a loss of opportunity-explains to some extent why people can’t control their urges to buy,” Fassnacht said. Shopping can be used as a coping mechanism, for sadness (which is linked to addiction) or low self-esteem. According to Kyrios, “buying appears to be a strategy we use to compensate for deficiencies that we see in ourselves.” People with self-ambivalence were more likely to impulsively purchase.
Along with emotional indicators, biology also seemed to play a role. There was a “small but significant effect of gender and age,” Fassnacht said. “Females and younger people reported high excessive buying severity.”
Why does this measurement help?
Creating a global diagnostic tool might set excessive buying apart from “other specified impulse-control disorders.” When the disorder stands alone, it will be easier for scientists to find a targeted treatment option.
Additionally, since addiction and addictive personalities are largely misunderstood, they’re also commonly stigmatized, Recognizing buying disorders as a true pathological condition can hopefully create more empathy for those struggling.