Compulsive Theft Spending & Hoarding Newsletter January 2022

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022?

by

Terrence Shulman

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to put 2021 to bed. While it’s been one of my better years for business and helping others–90 new clients, consulting works, and webinars–it’s also been a hard year for me personally and–from my perspective–for our country and the world.

A good friend and mentor of mine unexpectedly took her life this past spring, my 82-year old mother passed away on December 13th after a 10-year long-good-bye with Alzheimer’s, and my 92-year old uncle- -who’d been like a second father to me (since his brother, my father died in 1993) passed away on December 22nd after a year-plus physical and cognitive decline. My nearly 20-year marriage has withered on the vine as we move towards separating early this year and, likely, divorce late this year or the start of next. And two of my best friends’ sisters passed away in the last two months as well.

And, finally (?), my 2nd-ranked Michigan Wolverines–I’m a two-time alumnus–barely showed up in The Orange Bowl against the 3rd-ranked Georgia Bulldogs.

While I was hopeful for our country after Joe Biden won the November 2020 presidential election and the Democrats took the Senate and held onto the House, Trump–or at least Trumpism–has spread faster and deeper than Covid and may be responsible for as many or more illnesses and deaths. And the year got off to a real bang (figuratively and literally) with the January 6, 2021 attack on our Capitol and on democracy. For a short moment, it looked like the Republicans finally came to their senses and recognized the monster they’d created and enabled… but that was short-lived.

While vaccines have provided hope and safety for over half the country, much of the remaining part of the country is sabotaging their own health and the body politic as a whole. The economy seems to have rebounded but has hit some bumps with the spread of the Omicron variant. Airline flights have been cancelled, schools are again in a wait-and-see mode, and a recurring sense of uncertainty fills the air. Meanwhile, weather patterns continue to bare down on us, with the heat rising and more extreme storms and events (hurricanes, twisters, and drought-fueled wildfires spread across the lands. And the Build-BackBetter legislation (which would, in part, address climate change and fund environmental policies and programs).

Still, there always are points of light to appreciate in our own lives and in the world even if we must struggle to find them. So, here’s my list:

1. I’m still relatively healthy of body, mind and spirit.
2. I still feel a passion for my work and t’s my intention to work another 9 years until the end of 2030 when I’m 65 and I feel there is steady and growing acceptance and understanding of compulsive stealing, spending and hoarding and the need for more treatment options for these disorders.
3. My 92-year old stepfather is still relatively healthy.
4. My 17-year old dog Bam Bam is still relatively healthy.
5. My wife and I remain amicable.
6. My recovery seems to be solid.
7. I have a nice home and a working car and good neighbors.
8. I have a large circle of good friends and relatives.
9. My two younger brothers are both moving forward in their lives: one of them just started a new job in the last month and the other is half-way through his master’s degree in psychology and has an awesome podcast that is gaining attention.

10. My 20-year old nephew is half-way through his sophomore year at a new college.
11. A good portion of the country and world have been vaccinated and/or are taking other precautions to limit the impact of Covid.
12. A good portion of the country and the world is committed to the truth and democratic principles and is working tirelessly to see that truth, human rights, and democracy prevail.
13. A good portion of the country and the world is committed to making necessary changes to slow climate change and its impacts.
14. A good portion of the country and the world is committed to expanding equality for people of all backgrounds.
15. A good portion of the country and the world is committed to increasing income equality and making the wealthy pay their fare share of taxes.
16. A good portion of the country and the world recognize the importance of religious freedom and tolerance.
17. A good portion of this country’s youth and the world’s youth show signs of appreciating diversity in all its forms and transforming capitalism so that it has a conscience and works for more and more of us.
18. There is growing awareness–in part through the Internet–that we are all globally connected and what happens in other countries affects us all in some way.
19. Scientific, technological, and medical advancements for the good of all are increasing at light-speed.
20. It’s a new year and we can all pray, intend, recommit, and act to be the change we hope to see in the world.

Forget New Year’s Resolutions!
Try These New Year’s Inspired Intentions Instead!

by Jack Kornfield

We all know about New Year’s resolutions and how short-lived they can be. Consider setting a long-term intention. A long-term intention is also called a vow or dedication. In the forest monastery we would gather before dawn in the candlelit darkness and begin the sonorous morning chanting to dedicate ourselves to loving-kindness and liberation for all. The chants reminded us that awakening is possible whenever we dedicate ourselves to a noble way of life. We would vow to use the support we received as monks for awakening and compassion, for ourselves and for all beings.In these challenging times, amidst the pandemic, climate disruption, calls for social and racial justice, and our own personal challenges, we too can pause, quiet ourselves and dedicate ourselves to our best intentions. Setting a long-term intention is like setting the compass of our heart. No matter how rough the storms, how difficult the terrain, even if we have to backtrack around obstacles, our direction is clear. The fruits of dedication are visible in the best of human endeavors.
At times our dedications are practical: to learn to play the piano well, to build a thriving business, to plant and grow a beautiful garden. But there are overarching dedications as well. We might dedicate our life to prayer, commit ourselves to unwavering truthfulness or to work for world peace. These overarching dedications set the compass of our life, regardless of the outer conditions. They give us direction and meaning.

I heard a story about an inner-city school principal who spent part of her evenings making sandwiches for the homeless. After she finished she would travel around the poorer parts of her neighborhood and distribute them. Even though her day was already full, this evening activity didn’t overwhelm her. It actually made her happy. She didn’t do it out of guilt, duty, or external pressure. They were hungry. She had food. She shared in a way that made a difference for her. Even when she was rebuffed by those to whom she offered food on the street, she didn’t feel rejected or angry, because she wasn’t doing it for the acceptance or appreciation. After some time the local media heard what she was doing and printed a story about her. Instantly she became a minor celebrity. Her fellow teachers and friends started sending her money to support her work. Much to their surprise, she sent back the money to everyone with a one-line note that said. Make your damn sandwiches!

When we read something like this it is inspiring. It touches our own innate nobility and courage. But it can and self-doubt: What about me? Am I doing enough? It is good to question also bring up guilt our own dedication, even if it makes us uncomfortable. To what have we dedicated our life? How deeply do we carry this dedication? Is it time to rededicate our life? We have to be true to our As you begin the New Year, take some time to sit and quietly reflect. If today you were to set or reaffirm a own way.
long-term intention, a vow, your heart’s direction, what would it be? It might be as simple as “I vow to be kind.” It might be a vow to build a healthy business, establish a truly loving family. It might be an intention to dedicate yourself to the healing or care of others, or to fearlessly express your creativity in the world. Once you have a sense of your long-term dedication, write it down. Then put it someplace where you keep special things. Now, as you go through the year, let it be your compass-your underlying direction-in spite of changing outer circumstances. Let it carry you.
Thomas Merton once advised a frustrated young activist, “Do not depend on the hope of results… … you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself.” By aligning our dedication with our highest intention, we chart the course of our whole being. Then no matter how hard the voyage and how big the setbacks, we know where we are headed.

How to Quit Co-Dependency
by
Jodie Oakes

What is Co-Dependency?
There is a saying that it takes two to tango and co-dependency can be one of the most toxic dances out there. In simple terms; co-dependency is a negative behavior pattern where one person enables another and loses themselves in the process. Co-dependency shows up often in romantic relationships but can also rear its ugly head in any kind of relationship dynamic, including when it comes to family, friendships and even work relationships too.
If you are the co-dependent one then it means that whether consciously or subconsciously you allow the other person to exercise control over you, you always put them first (even at the expense of yourself), and you always seek their approval.
What does it look like?
If you constantly find yourself struggling to make decisions in your relationships, not being able to identify or verbalize your feelings, valuing the opinions of others consistently and always feeling the swell of selfdoubt, not being able to trust yourself and your choices, and always feeling responsible for the needs and behaviors of others then you could be a prime example of co-dependent.
Where does it come from?
Co-dependent behavior can come from a lot of places, most notably it is behavior born from fear. If you have abandonment issues or are afraid of being on your own, then you may be willing to do whatever it takes to stay in a tangled relationship – even if it means losing yourself. Co-dependency can also come from low self-esteem and being in abusive situations in life. It can also come from a place where boundary setting is a challenge and people-pleasing is a form of compulsive behavior.

Is it all bad?

Not all co-dependency is bad. Any healthy relationship will sway between people needing to lean and needing to be leaned on. Co-dependency can become hugely problematic when it is highly one-sided or when the person you are entangled in is abusive, has any form of addiction, or is just in general something you consistently seek out and feed off as it is a negative cycle to be in.

How to deal?
Reflection

One of the first steps to quitting co-dependent behavior is recognizing that you are following this pattern in the first place. Taking a good hard look at ourselves is a huge challenge, but it’s time to breathe deep, be honest with yourself and spend some time reflecting on your current and former relationships, along with the relationships you were privy to as a child.

Therapy

Therapy or counseling can be an amazing way to effectively deal with self-esteem issues and other avenues that lead to co-dependency. Therapists are highly knowledgeable and trained in helping you to unpack certain behaviors that aren’t serving you.

Break it Down

A major thing to understand right now is that not all of you is co-dependent, there is a part inside that wants to make a change. Once you understand this, you are able to recognize that you have the tools needed to break old thought patterns. A good tip is to spend a little time in the evening going back over your day and noticing where and when you gave your power away. Make a mental tweak to rewrite the scene of what you could have done differently to get that power back. This doesn’t come from a place of frustration or feeling bad, but as an acknowledgement that practice makes perfect and mental awareness can lead to physical change.

Small Steps

Big behavior patterns are hard to change overnight, it’s the small steps that lead us down the path to where we are supposed to be. Start by trying to introduce small changes into your daily routine such as practicing saying no to the small things and seeing that this doesn’t mean an automatic loss of everything, trying to reconnect with your own intuition, spending time planning a date night for yourself, and even things like reading this article on co-dependency are all small steps that all add up to taking a life leap.

Jodie Oakes is a seasoned writer and content creator with continuously itchy feet. She can often be found traveling the globe with her camper-van, dog, and surfboard in tow. Jodie is a travel, luxury, and wellness brand specialist with a degree in Imaginative Writing. She is a voracious reader who loves poetry, wine and cheese, and has a Lord of the Rings tattoo. Sorry. Not Sorry.

HAVE A SAFE MONTH & NEW YEAR, AND REMEMBER: LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE OF IT!