FATHER…WHY BOTHER?
Here’s Why!
by
Terrence Shulman
Last month I shared a column (updated from a previous column) about how our mothers impact our lives- emphasizing how our mothers often wound us in various ways, wittingly or unwittingly. As Father’s Day approaches, it seems only fair to examine and discuss how our fathers impact us, too.
My father would have turned 80 this June 19th. (My mother just turned 80 in March). Unfortunately, my father died 26 years ago at age 53. I’m about to turn 54 at month’s end and, in the back of my mind, I sometimes have wondered (and hoped) if I’ll live longer than my Dad.
Five years ago, one of my best buddies, who is just a few months younger than I am, called me to tell me he’d recently suffered a mild heart attack and had to have two stents placed in two of his arteries one which was 80% blocked. “Genetics,” he said as his own father had died of a heart attack many decades ago at age 38!
I’ve talked to many men whose fathers had died and who became increasingly at least mildly anxious about whether they’d outlive their father’s age at death. Now I get it. Since men tend to die on average of 8 years earlier than women, chances are good that many of us are spending this Father’s Day without the physical presence of our fathers, and it’s more common for children (including adult children) to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers. There’s a bad joke that goes: “Why do men die younger than women? Because they want to.”
The sad truth is that far too many men see and feel life as a burden and have trouble tapping into the deep joy, awe and meaning of life… even just their own lives. I’ve felt this myself and I have no doubt my father did as well. It’s been said that many of us have grown up with a “father hunger” due to the not uncommon lack of exposure and nurturing by the positive masculine.
Since my Dad’s birthday and Father’s Day fall around the same time each year, I do my best to be aware of my feelings and where I am in my ongoing grieving process. What is most present for me lately is some sadness that my father is not around to witness and share in the joys of my accomplishments and adventures.
I am the oldest of 3 brothers. Each of us has been impacted by our father’s life and death and the way he fatheredor failed to fatherus. I think I can speak for each of us in feeling confused, disappointed, and hurt by the fact that our father had so many great qualities and talents which we admired but which, sadly, were undercut by his alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and various personality tendencies which left us feeling like we, raise ourselves. relationship with our motherno matter how old we areis likely the most important, primal and essentially, had to While our fundamental relationship we’ll have, fairly recent research and personal anecdotes from both sons and daughters point to the importance of our relationships (or lack thereof) with our fathers. As with mothers, I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “father issues” are at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems and, therefore, how important it is for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our fathers actively in our lives or not.
whether they are mothers, I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “father issues” are at the root of their addictions and relationship problems and, therefore, how important it is for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our fathers whether they are actively in our lives or not.
Some of the most common reasons both men and women have father issues include the following:
- a father died early in a child’s life or committed suicide;
- a father was addicted and/or mentally ill and was not able to be physically and/or emotionally present and attuned to his child;
- a father was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with his child;
- a father appeared to favor one of his children over another;
- a father needed rescue, help, or companionship and his child played the role of partner or parent;
- a father held unrealistically high expectations of his child and the child became inauthentic to receive mother’s love/approval;
- a father was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward his child;
- a father had little natural or cultivated interest in being a father to his child;
- a father betrayed his child’s confidence in some way;
- a father was “perfect” and modeled this in a way his child felt unable to compete with;
- a father was overly critical of his child;
- a father was overly domineering or controlling;
- a father committed infidelity in his marriage & her child knew;
- a father encouraged his child to tell or keep secrets;
- a father broke the law and/or modeled dishonesty; and
- a father was physically and/or emotionally absent due to working all the time or for some other reason(s).
The core effects of the situations described above often result in persistent feelings of neglect, abandonment, trust issues, low self-esteem and self-worth, codependency/caretaking others, as well as unresolved emptiness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Which of the above issues seems to resonate with you? There may be many other ways to express the wounds or conflicts that develop around our relationship with our fathers than are listed above. Have you had any experiences with this?
I recently read something about love that was powerful to me. It noted that it’s important to cover “the four A’s: Attention, Affection, Appreciation, and Acceptance.” Stop and think about this for a bit. How does this land with you? When you think about your relationship with your father, do/did you feel he was attentive? Was he affectionate with you in an appropriate, nurturing way wit hugs, kisses, or even a pat on the back? Was he appreciative of you, your feelings and your unique gifts, talents and efforts? And was he accepting of you with all your foibles, mistakes and so-called shortcomings? That’s real love, huh?
We all know that no parent is perfect and even those of us who are parents ourselves get to realized life’s cruel joke: we often become like our parents or at least learn to appreciate how hard it must have been to them to raise us! As we grow up (and, hopefully, we do) we learn to differentiate from our parents, need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and develop compassion for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they likely were raised). But this doesn’t mean it’s easy. We are taught to honor thy parents but that doesn’t mean we don’t speak our minds our share our hearts.
Ideally, we often look to our parents to be a safe space to share our pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn’t mean they don’t share their own pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary role of a parent is to be strong and mature enough to absorb their child’s expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try to see the gift in their child’s courageous, if imprecise, offering of their pain, their perspective. This is the ideal and, of course, it’s painful when we don’t get this from parents.
In this context, wouldn’t it be great if–this Father’s Day–instead of cards and ties, we could give the gift of
honesty, our father could receive it lovingly, and we would return the favor?
SMERYL STREEP SAYS THE TERM “TOXIC MASCULINITY” HURTS BOYS:
“It’s Toxic People!”
by
Raechal Shewfelt Yahoo News May 31, 2019
Terrence Shulman’s piece:
When Gillette razor company came out with a TV/online ad several months ago confronting “toxic masculinity” and embracing a more “positive masculinity,” it caused a lot of controversy. I liked the ad and thought it was brave and important to call out “men behaving badly.” Many of my friends (male and female) either agreed or disagreed with the ad’s message.
But I think actress/activist Meryl Streep recently articulated a better message below. There are “toxic people” and “toxic traits” (though some may differ on what this means) and it’s better to use those terms rather than try to define what “toxic masculinity” (or “toxic femininity”) is… especially as we’re embracing more “gender fluidity” and “cultural war” wedges as we approach the 2020 elections.
Raechal Shewfelt’s piece:
Meryl Streep decried the use of the term “toxic masculinity,” while promoting the upcoming second season of HBO’s Big Little Lies.
It happened as Streep, 69 appeared alongside co-stars Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Laura Dern for a panel discussion at the Wing Soho in New York City. An audience member brought up the topic of a man enjoying the show.
“Sometimes, I think we’re hurt. We hurt our boys by calling something toxic masculinity. I do,” Streep said, per InStyle. “And I don’t find [that] putting those two words together… because women can be pretty f***ing toxic. It’s toxic people. We have our good angles, and we have our bad ones. I think the labels are less helpful than what we’re trying to get to, which is a communication, direct, between human beings. We’re all on the boat together. We’ve got to make it work.”
Of course, Streep’s comments sparked debate.
Even controversial talk show host Piers Morgan weighed in on the subject. He was on Streep’s side.
Teaching Tolerance, a program of the nonprofit Southern Poverty Law Center, featured a December 2017 post that noted, “The phrase is derived from studies that focus on violent behavior perpetrated by men, and – this is key is designed to describe not masculinity itself, but a form of gendered behavior that results when expectations of ‘what it means to be a man’ go wrong.”
In the past, Streep has spoken out about the lack of female representation in the entertainment industry and she’s one of the founding members of the Time’s Up movement against sexual harassment.
She’s also said that she’s “a humanist” rather than a feminist.
Streep is the mother of four adult children, including three daughters and one son.
8 SECRETS TO UNDERSTANDING LIFE
Or At Least How To Live A More Spiritual One!
by
Aimee Hughes (May 2019) for Sivana East
Let’s face it. Life can be downright confusing at times.
Luckily, the secrets to understanding life can be found through the wise lens of yoga, Buddhist philosophy, and other spiritual teachings.
Come from a place of innocence “If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything, it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind, there are few.” – Suzuki Roshi
One of the secrets to understanding life is to accept that you won’t understand it, and to be open to everything, with a “beginner’s mind”. The beginner’s mind holds no expectations. Having no expectations and a certain childlike innocence opens you up to all possibilities, rather than living from a place of limitation or a “know-it-all” attitude.
Accepting life’s mysteries is one of the best things you can do to let go and surrender to the divine play of it all. There’s true freedom in “not knowing.” Coming into each situation from a place of pure innocence can
help you see things as they really are, without playing your old “story” around it. Life will certainly unfold more gracefully in front of you if you approach it with the Buddhist “beginner’s mind”.
Surrender and let go of control
One of the great secrets to understanding life is to let go of trying to control outcomes. The truth is, we don’t really know how things are going to turn out. And sometimes, the outcome is much, much different than we’d hoped or expected it to be. Sometimes we’re pleased. Other times, we’re disappointed. Let go of controlling outcomes and being attached to them to feel how free life can truly feel.
Everything changes
Nothing stays the same. The only constant that there ever is, is change. We spend much of our time wanting things to stay the same, and then, when they change, we suffer. The uncertainty of life is very real, and that uncertainty scares us. But, if we can accept the uncertainty, and live in the present moment, we’re going to understand and experience life from a place of greater well-being.
Creation, Sustenance, Destruction
One of the great teachings of yoga is the rise and fall of everything in existence. The cycle that is forever happening in our lives is this constant flow of creation and destruction. This cycle is integral to life.
Everything is impermanent, everything. It’s all transient: our feelings, emotions, and life circumstances. It all comes and goes. For transformation to happen, things must die. We so often get far too attached to the sustaining of things, and it’s not healthy. Holding on to “what once was”, only leads to anguish. We have to roll with change because change is coming. Especially if you are walking the spiritual path. If you watch the natural cycles of nature, you’ll see the cycle playing itself out with each season’s change.
Let attachments to possessions go
Getting attached, especially to material things is a recipe for disaster because there’s always the chance that those material things will be taken away from you. And then what?
Life is full of surprises. Natural disasters occur and people lose everything. Banks fail and currencies inflate to the nth degree. Your favorite blouse in the entire world gets shredded in a heavy duty laundromat dryer. You lose the $100 bill you hid away somewhere, and so on and so forth. The less attached you are to material things, the happier you’ll be in the long run.
Cultivate presence and focused attention
Here’s a little secret: your most valuable innermost resource is your attention. You can cultivate a presence of mind that helps you appreciate and truly enjoy the present moment. And here’s another little secret: the present moment is all there is. So, taking the time to practice meditation techniques that help you cultivate attention and presence is essential to understanding the secrets of life.Any and every style of meditation helps you do this. Some of my favorites are mindfulness, mantra meditation, and moving meditations like yoga.
Be grateful
When you’re grateful for the things you have and the relationships in your life, you become far more content than you’d otherwise be. Gratitude is a like a happy pill, and if you spend time considering what you’re grateful for, and then giving thanks for those things each day, you’ll flow with life more gracefully and with ease.
Keep a light heart
In other words, there’s no need to take life too seriously. Look at the Dalai Lama. He may have a million things on his plate, but he’s always smiling, chuckling, and making jokes. Learn to laugh at yourself and know that sometimes life is downright funny. Don’t take it (or yourself) too seriously.