LOVE (AND RECOVERY) IN THE TIME OF COVID-19 More Random Thoughts on These Times ( (Part 3/Month 3)
by Terrence Shulman
Well, a lot has happened since May 1st… and, yet, it also seems like we’re in the same place (at least in.terms of not being able to move around freely, see anyone we want, and start enjoying the pre-summer weather with gusto and abandon!
And on top of this, we have protests and riots in the streets sparked by the killing just a week ago of 46-year old George Floyd in Minneapolis.
Houston… we have a problem: Rome is burning!
And the U.S. presidential (and congressional) elections are just over 5 months away.
While I watch and listen to the news daily, I’m usually able to shift gears back to working, petting my dog, watching other mindless TV, or enjoying the weather outdoors. But all.this chaos is even making me anxious.
Whatever your thoughts are about any of this, it’s incredible how much chaos and carnage is going on in the full light of day and in front of the cameras. Trump’s daily lies, incendiary remarks and taunts; those opposing the virus ‘lockdown” hang a noose-bound.effigy of the Kentucky governor in a tree in front of his.house and. maskless protesters in my state of Michigan storm the state capitol–many armed with guns, donning confederate couture and/or.Nazi symbols; a police officer’s knee on the neck of a handcuffed man for nearly 9 minutes while his three partners stand idly by twiddling their batons; and now a portion those who protest the death of the knee-pinned man loot, set. fire, and create mayhem, masked and maskless for the cameras.
People are out of their minds and, apparently, not thinking of the harm they are doing to themselves and to others… all in full-view! I fear thinking about what happens behind the scenes!
It reminds me when, 30+ years ago, I was in the throes of my addiction–shoplifting, especially–when I was oblivious, driven, out-of-touch with the damage. I.was doing to myself and to others despite my knowing there could be cameras everywhere. I was completely insane.
Our actions have such consequences–for the better or for the worse. Lies, violence, abuse, neglect, stealing, gaslighting, corruption, hypocrisy, demagoguery…
Hurt people hurt people. We’re in a vicious cycle. People want to go back to “normal.” What’s “normal”/ We ain’t goin’. back. We have to move forward. Every action. causes a reaction… and, lately, a chain reaction.
Who are our heroes when we can’t even agree on what makes one heroic? Every side thinks they have the monopoly on righteousness. What kind of message are we sending to our youth?
This is a brave new world, indeed. Or, rather, a scared new world.
FATHER’S DAY IN THE TIME OF COVID-19
by Terrence Shulman
Last month I shared a column (updated from a previous column) about how our mothers impact our lives- emphasizing how our mothers often wound us in various ways, wittingly or unwittingly. As Father’s Day approaches, it seems only fair to examine and discuss how our fathers impact us, too.
My father would have turned 81 this June 19th. (My mother just turned 78 in March). Unfortunately, my father died 27 years ago at age 53. I’m about to turn 55 at month’s end. It’s a strange feeling to know I’ve already outlived my father.
Six years ago, one of my best buddies, who’s just a few months younger than I am, called me to tell me he’d recently suffered a mild heart attack and had to have two stents placed in two of his arteries one which was 80% blocked. “Genetics,” he said. His father had died of a heart attack many decades ago at age 38!
I’ve talked to many men whose fathers had died and who became increasingly at least mildly anxious about whether they’d outlive their father’s age at death. Now I get it. Since men tend to die on average of 8 years earlier than women, chances are good that many of us are spending this Father’s Day without the physical presence of our fathers, and it’s more common for children (including adult children) to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers.
There’s a bad joke: “Why do men die younger than women?… Because they want to.” The sad truth is that far too many men see and feel life as a burden and have trouble tapping into the deep joy, awe and meaning of life… even just their own lives. I’ve felt this myself and I have no doubt my father did as well. It’s been said that many of us have grown up with a “father hunger” due to the not uncommon lack of exposure and nurturing by the positive masculine.
Since my Dad’s birthday and Father’s Day fall around the same time each year, I do my best to be aware of my feelings and where I am in my ongoing grieving process. What is most present for me lately is some sadness that my father is not around to witness and share in the joys of my accomplishments and adventures.
I am the oldest of 3 brothers. Each of us has been impacted by our father’s life and death and the way he fatheredor failed to fatherus. I think I can speak for each of us in feeling confused, disappointed, and hurt by the fact that our father had so many great qualities and talents which we admired but which, sadly, were undercut by his alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and various personality tendencies which left us feeling like we, essentially, had to raise ourselves.
Fortunately, my stepdad, Jim, has been a wonderful surrogate father for me since shortly after my parents divorced when I was 11 (over 40 years ago) and even more since my Dad died when I was 27. Jim just turned 90 earlier this year after undergoing colon cancer surgery. He and my Mom have been together 40 years. She’s had Alzheimer’s the last 10 years and he’s stuck by her and been there for me and my younger brother. We both love films and talk about them all the time. He’s a paragon of wit, steadiness, and compassion. I don’t know what I’d do without him. I hope to see him on Father’s Day (right before my 55th birthday) as the Covid-19 situation has kept us from meeting in-person for about 3 months.
While our relationship with our mother–no matter how old we are–is likely the most important, primal and fundamental relationship we’ll have, fairly recent research and personal anecdotes from both sons and daughters point to the importance of our relationships (or lack thereof) with our fathers.
As with mothers, I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “father issues” are at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems and, therefore, how important it is for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our fathers whether they are actively in our lives or not.
Some of the most common reasons both men and women have father issues include the following:
- a father died early in a child’s life or committed suicide;
- a father was addicted and/or mentally ill and was not able to be physically and/or emotionally present and attuned to his child;
- a father was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with his child;
- a father appeared to favor one of his children over another;
- a father needed rescue, help, or companionship and his child played the role of partner or parent;
- a father held unrealistically high expectations of his child and the child became inauthentic to receive mother’s love/approval;
- a father was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward his child;
- a father had little natural or cultivated interest in being a father to his child;
- a father betrayed his child’s confidence in some way;
- a father was “perfect” and modeled this in a way his child felt unable to compete with;
- a father was overly critical of his child;
- a father was overly domineering or controlling;
- a father committed infidelity in his marriage & her child knew;
- a father encouraged his child to tell or keep secrets; 1
- a father broke the law and/or modeled dishonesty; and
- a father was physically and/or emotionally absent due to working all the time or for some other reason(s).
The core effects of the situations described above often result in sistent feelings of neglect, abandonment, trust issues, low self-esteem or self-worth, codependency/caretaking others, as well as unresolved emptiness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Which of the above issues seems to resonate with you? There may be many other ways to express the wounds or conflicts that develop around our relationship with our fathers than listed above. Have you had any experiences with this?
I recently read something about love that was powerful to me. It noted that it’s important to cover “the four A’s: Attention, Affection, Appreciation, and Acceptance.” Stop and think about this for a bit. How does this land with you? When you think about your relationship with your father, do/did you feel he was attentive? Was he affectionate with you in an appropriate, nurturing way wit hugs, kisses, or even a pat on the back? Was he appreciative of you, your feelings and your unique gifts, talents and efforts? And was he accepting of you with all your foibles, mistakes and so-called shortcomings? That’s real love, huh?
We all know that no parent is perfect and even those of us who are parents ourselves get to realized life’s cruel joke: we often become like our parents or at least learn to appreciate how hard it must have been to them to raise us! As we grow up (and, hopefully, we do) we learn to differentiate from our parents, need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and develop compassion for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they likely were raised). But this doesn’t mean it’s easy. We are taught to honor thy parents but that doesn’t mean we don’t speak our minds our share our hearts.
Ideally, we often look to our parents to be a safe space to share our pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn’t mean they don’t share their own pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary role of a parent is to be strong and mature enough to absorb their child’s expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try to see the gift in their child’s courageous, if imprecise, offering of their pain, their perspective. This is the ideal and, of course, it’s painful when we don’t get this from parents. In this context, wouldn’t it be great if this Father’s Day instead of cards and ties, we could give the gift of honesty, our father could receive it lovingly, and we would return the favor?
I love you, Dad. I love you Jim. I love the many close male friends of mine who are good fathers and/or who have gifted me with their fatherly presence and energy. And, while I have no children, I honor the father energy within myself and what I have and can offer of this to others.
HIGHLIGHTS FROM JACK L. HAYES INTERNATIONAL’S 32nd ANNUAL RETAIL THEFT SURVEY
PRESS RELEASE May 5, 2020 Shoplifters and Dishonest Employees Continue to Steal Profits from U.S. Retailers, According to Jack L. Hayes International’s 32 nd Annual Retail Theft Survey! Wesley Chapel, FL –
Over 348,000 shoplifters and dishonest employees were apprehended in 2019 by just 21 large retailers who
recovered over $136 million from these thieves, according to the 32nd Annual Retail Theft Survey conducted
by Jack L. Hayes International, the leading loss prevention and inventory shrinkage control consulting firm.
“Two-thirds of retailers participating in this survey reported an increase in shrink in 2019, which is reflected in
their reported apprehensions and recovery dollars. Overall apprehensions increased 2.44% and recovery
dollars from those apprehensions were up 4.88%. Shoplifting apprehensions and recover dollars increased
3.04% and 3.50% respectively, with recovery dollars from shoplifting incidents without an apprehension
increasing by 11% (to $176 million) over the prior year,” said Mark R. Doyle, President of Jack L. Hayes
International, Inc.
Mr. Doyle added, “While employee theft apprehensions were down 2.93%, the recovery dollars from those apprehensions increased 7.75%. Overall, retail theft continues to be a serious problem for retailers negatively impacting their bottom-line, and creating more out-of-stocks and higher prices to the consumer.”
Highlights from this highly anticipated annual theft survey include:
Participants : 21 large retail companies with 18,994 stores and over $510 billion in retail sales (2019).
- * Shrink: 66.7% of survey participants reported an increase in shrink in 2019, with 23.8% reporting a
decrease in shrink, and another 9.5% reported shrink stayed about the same. * Apprehensions: 348,036 shoplifters and dishonest employees were apprehended in 2019, up 2.44% from 2018. - Recovery Dollars: Over $136 million was recovered from apprehended shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2019, up 4.88% from 2018.
- Shoplifter Apprehensions: 315,095 shoplifters were apprehended in 2019, up 3.04% from 2018.
*Shoplifter Recovery Dollars: Over $90 million was recovered from apprehended shoplifters in 2019, an increase of 3.50% from 2018.
*Employee Apprehensions: 32,941 dishonest employees were apprehended in 2019, down 2.93% from2018.
* Employee Recovery Dollars: Over $45 million was recovered from employee apprehensions in 2019, up 7.75% from 2018.
APPREHENSIONS & DOLLAR RECOVERIES INCREASED IN 2019!
More losses as Shoplifters and Dishonest Employees continue to steal profits from U.S. retailers. Highlights from this year’s survey include: ✓
Participants: 21 large retail companies with 18,994 stores and over $510 billion in retail sales in 2019.
✓ Apprehensions: Participants apprehended 348,046 shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2019, up 2.4% from 2018.
✓ Recovery Dollars: Participants recovered over $136 million from apprehended shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2019, up 4.9%..
✓ Shrink Trend: Two-thirds (66.7%) of retailers participating in this survey reported an increase in shrink in 2019.
✓ Shoplifter Apprehensions & Recovery Dollars: 315,095 shoplifters were apprehended in 2019, up 3.0%;
and over $90 million was recovered from apprehended shoplifters in 2019, up 3.5%.
✓ Employee Apprehensions & Recovery Dollars: 32,941 dishonest employees were apprehended in 2019, down 2.9%; however over $45 million was recovered from apprehended employees in 2019, up 7.8%.
✓ Employee Theft Case Value: The average dishonest employee case value in 2019 was $1,380.62, up 11.0% from 2018.
Jack L. Hayes International, Inc. SURVEY PARTICIPANTS
➤ 21 Large Retail Companies (Dept, MM/Big-Box, Specialty Apparel, Supermarkets) 18,994 Stores (representing an excellent cross-section of the United States) ➤ ➤$510,353,861,980 in Annual Retail Sales (2019)
TOTAL RETAIL THEFT APPREHENSIONS
Difference 2018 2019 #/$ Pct.
Apprehensions 339,749 348,036 8,287 2.44% Recoveries $130,103,758 $136,450,112 $6,346,354 4.88% Avg. Case Value $382.94 $392.06 $9.12 2.38% Retail Theft Apprehensions Breakdown
SHOPLIFTING
Difference 2018 2019 #/$ Pct. Apprehensions 305,813 315,095 9,282 3.04% Recoveries $87,896,534 $90,971,116 $3,074,582 3.50% Avg. Case Value $287.42 $288.71 $1.29 0.45% Hours Per Apprehension* 38.72 33.44 – 13.64% (9 companies reporting) Recoveries $159,015,646 $176,505,815 $17,490,169 11.00% (No Apprehension Made)
DISHONEST EMPLOYEES
Difference 2018 2019 #/$ Pct. Apprehensions 33,936 32,941 995 2.93% Recoveries $42,207,224 $45,478,996 $3,271,772 7.75% Avg. Case Value $1,243.73 $1,380.62 $136.89 11.01%
TOTAL RETAIL THEFT
Survey participants apprehended a total of 348,036 dishonest individuals (shoplifters and employees) in 2019, an increase of 2.4% from the prior year. Dollars recovered from those apprehended thieves also increased 4.9% to over $136 million in 2019.
- For every $1.00 recovered by our surveyed companies, $14.75 was lost to retail theft. Therefore, only 6.3% of total retail theft losses resulted in a recovery.
SHOPLIFTING - Apprehensions: Survey participants apprehended 315,095 shoplifters in 2019, an increase of 3.0% from the prior year.
Recoveries: Dollars recovered from shoplifting apprehensions totaled over $90.9 million in 2019, an increase of 3.5% from 2018. - Recoveries (no apprehension): Dollars recovered from shoplifters where no apprehension was made (over $176 million) increased 11.0% in 2019. Dollars have increased in 21 of the past 22 years! * Case Value: The average shoplifting case value in 2019 was $288.71, a slight increase of 0.5% from 2018
($287.42).
EMPLOYEE THEFT
- Apprehensions: Survey participants apprehended 32,941 dishonest employees in 2019, down 2.9% from 2018.
- Recoveries: Dollars recovered from dishonest employee apprehensions totaled over $45 million in 2019, up
7.8% from 2018. - Case Value: The average dishonest employee case value in 2019 was $1,380.62, a substantial increase of 11.0% from 2018’s avera
Shrink Trend:
14 of the 21 retailers (66.7%) had an increase in company shrink 05 of the 21 retailers (23.8%) had a decrease in company shrink 02 of the 21 retailers (09.5%) had no change in company shrink
Shoplifting Apprehensions: 09 of 21 retailers (42.9%) had an increase in shoplifter apprehensions 10 of 21 retailers (47.6%) had a decrease in shoplifter apprehensions 02 of 21 retailers (09.50%) had no change in shoplifter apprehensions
Shoplifting Recoveries: 08 of 21 retailers (38.1%) had an increase in shoplifter recovery dollars 11 of 21 retailers (52.4%) had a decrease in shoplifter recovery dollars 02 of 21 retailers (09.5%) had no change in shoplifter recovery dollars
Shoplifting Recoveries Without an Apprehension: 11 of 15 retailers reporting (73.3%) had an increase in shoplifting recovery dollars without an apprehension 04 of 15 retailers reporting (26.7%) had a decrease in shoplifting recovery dollars without an apprehension 00 of 15 retailers reporting (00.0%) had no change in shoplifting recovery dollars without an apprehension
Dishonest Employee Apprehensions: 08 of 21 retailers (38.1%) had an increase in employee theft apprehensions 13 of 21 retailers (61.9%) had a decrease in employee theft apprehensions 00 of 21 retailers (00.0%) had no change in employee theft apprehensions
Dishonest Employee Recoveries: 11 of 21 retailers (52.4%) had an increase in employee theft recovery
dollars 09 of 21 retailers (42.9%) had a decrease in employee theft recovery dollars 01 of 21 retailers (04.7%) had no change in employee theft recovery dollars Copyright 2020 Jack L. Hayes International, Inc. Jack L. Hayes International, Inc.
Based upon our survey results, for every $1.00 recovered, $14.75 is lost to retail theft. Therefore, only 6.3 percent of total retail theft losses result in a recovery. Support/Calculation for the Above Statement: * Annual retail sales of the participating companies were $510,353,861,980.
According to the 2019 National Retail Security Survey, the average shrinkage is 1.38% of sales (at retail). Shrinkage allowance for paper/systems errors was assigned a very conservative 30% dollar figure. (This figure is believed to exceed realistic “paper-related” shrinkage which we estimate to be less than 25 percent.) Annual Sales (Survey Participants 2019) $510,353,861,980 Shrinkage (retail sales x 1.38%) $ 7,042,883,295 Allowance for “Paper-Related” Shrinkage (shrinkage x 30%) -$ 2,112,864,989 Shrinkage/Losses Due to Theft $ 4,930,018,306 Recovery Dollars (Survey Participants 2019) -$ 312,955,927 (6.3%) Unaccounted-For Theft Losses $ 4,617,062,379 (93.7%)
Thoughts Behind The Numbers We asked our survey participants why their Shoplifting apprehensions and recovery dollars increased or decreased in 2019; they contributed the following: Increased: * Increased ORC (Organized Retail Crime) activity
- Legislation increasing felony thresholds embolden thieves
- More ‘hit n run’/fleeing shoplifters Increased focus on the issue of shoplifting
- Less staffing created more opportunities for shoplifters Decreased: * More focus placed on recovery, than apprehension * Increase in LP awareness and customer service
- Less LP/AP staff due to restructuring or transition
- More preventative measures in place (ie. Public View Monitors, Greeters, etc.) * Less attention to shoplifting and more toward systemic shrink issues Hayes International cites the following
shoplifting issues: - Reduced Customer Service Due to Fewer Sales Associates on Floor Fewer sales associates on the sales floor provides shoplifters with the privacy they want/need to commit their acts of theft. Unfortunately, more retailers are becoming self-service, instead of customer service focused. Thieves View Shoplifting as a High Reward, Low Risk Endeavor
There are currently 29 states with a felony threshold for Shoplifting/Larceny of $1,000 or higher. Shoplifting cases less than these high dollar thresholds result in a misdemeanor offense only, meaning less police assistance and little if any punishment. - Stolen Merchandise is Easy to Sell to Larger Audiences Many thieves have found that selling their stolen items through various on-line auction sites, or returning their stolen goods for a merchandise credit or gift card (which they sell to a second party) results in quicker sales and much higher prices than the traditional selling of items on the street or at a local flee market.
- Organized Retail Crime (ORC) Continues to Increase Losses from ORC are reported to be over $30 billion annually, with almost 100% of retailers acknowledging they have been a victim of ORC activity in the past 12 months. These thieves work diligently to commit their theft of popular items such as over-the-counter medicines; razors; batteries; tools; cell phones; and designer clothing. It is common for them to work in “teams”, employ distraction techniques, and use ‘booster-bags’ to circumvent anti-shoplifting systems.
- Thoughts Behind The Numbers We asked our survey participants why their Dishonest Employee apprehensions and recovery dollars increased or decreased in 2019; they contributed the following: Increased:
- More focus/attention toward associate theft * Improved technology/analytic tools resulted in more DE cases
- Low unemployment rate in 2019, resulted in less quality hires
- Increase in merchandise credit card and loyalty card frauds
- Less associates in store created more opportunities for dishonest employees Decreased: * Added technology to higher risk stores to reduce exposures
Better education and awareness programs for associates - Decrease in LP Staff due to restructuring or transition
- Less focus on apprehensions and more focus on shrink creating processes
- Less associates resulted in less employee cases Hayes International cites the following employee theft issues:
- Less Effective or Reduced Pre-Employment Screening Requirements More restrictions on various types of pre-employment screening has resulted in the hiring of ‘less than desirable’ associates.
In addition, in 2019 some retailers reduced their pre-screening requirements in an effort to save money and staff locations more quickly. - Less Supervision of Associates and Fewer Associates Overall Opportunities for dishonest associates to commit acts of theft/abuse with less chance of detection has increased with reductions in staff and supervisors.
- Stolen Merchandise is Easy to Sell to Larger Audiences Dishonest employees have found that selling stolen items through various on-line auction sites, or having a friend or family member return the stolen goods for a merchandise credit or gift card (which they sell to a second party) results in quicker sales and much higher prices.
- General Decline in Honesty On a regular basis we hear of business, government, law enforcement, celebrities, sports figures, and even church leaders being caught up in questionable activities. Such events make it easier for “borderline” employees to rationalize their theft acts.