LOVE (AND RECOVERY) IN THE TIME OF COVID-19 More Random Thoughts on These Times (Month 2
by Terrence Shulman
I know I’m not alone in feeling that this time is surreal… like a bad dream.
I wrote the same line above a month ago. It’s getting more surreal.
I’d love to report that I’ve accomplished a lot over the last month but I might be lying. “Might be?” Well, it all depends on how you define “accomplish.” I had a notion to keep a daily journal as a way of getting back into writing… but I haven’t. I thought about upping my exercise routine and go full Keto… but I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to pick up my guitar for the first time in 6 months and sit down at my piano for the first time in a year… but it ain’t happenin.’ And, finally (well, not really finally), I’d hoped my wife’s and my love life might get a magical boost under the crucible of corona…. no.
But if you define accomplishment as maintaining one’s relatively sanity… well, yes, I have (granted, I’m probably biased). If accomplishment means I’ve somehow kept beyond the reach of the virus, than, yeah. If succeeding is getting up around the same time each day and goin’t to bed about the same time each night- really, I’m on the same schedule pre-virus… weekend, too!–then, baby, I’m a success (so far, at least). And if keeping this side of the law and not having to worry about divorce court is a sign that things could be worse, I’ll take it.
I play the middle. I’m sure there are many who are using this “time” to help others, to invent things, to write that great American novel, to lose those 30 lbs, to finally organize the house. And, yes, I did get a bit peeved about 3 weeks ago when an old friend shared on Facebook that he’d cut out alcohol, started meditating and
doing yoga again, and had lost 30 Ids (MY 30 POUMDS!), uh…. well…. I forgot what I was gonna say.
There are some gifts in slowing down… but my thinking is so calm and mellow that I can’t think of anythings at the moment…. The quiet;;; YES, The Quiet! The quiet is nice… and the sounds of nature… really popping!
And the darkness at night…. and the clearer skies, water, and smells in the air. Sometimes, it’s like a little jaunt back into the Garden of Eden (without all the death… and the perpetual “Breaking New!s” updates.
My dog doesn’t seem to mind, Bam Bam’s as mellow as ever. He’s my guru: very equanimous.
But I do think I have a bit of “Covid-Brain”-a convenient blame target for any other reason for memory issues or fits of “blah.” My landline stopped working two weeks ago without explanation. Yeah, usually I get a postcard to give me a heads up before something breaks. I was so frustrated the first day (and it wasn’t like the phone has been ringing off the hook lately! People don’t want therapy if the end of the world is nigh and.or they’re just trying to put food on the table!
Where was I… oh, my phone. E.T. phone home. Oh, my phone. So I tried fixing it over a few days–cuz I couldn’t get a hold of AT&T. I didn’t succeed in fixing it but I did accomplish exhausting myself and, thus, surrendering to my helplessness and to my only real saviro: Amazon. I ordered a new phone…. which arrived today… and which, when I charged it overnight and plugged it in a few hours ago… WORKED! Success! Mission Accomplished!
Rarely have the little things meant so much!
MOTHER’S DAY IN THE TIME OF COVID-19
by Terrence Shulman
Mom’s Day is in less than a week: May 10th. I haven’t seen my mother “Maddy” (short for Madeline) in
almost two months. We had to cancel her 81st birthday on St. Patrick’s Day just a day before the family was supposed to meet at my wife Tina’s and my home. She’s in senior living nearby-along with my 90-year old stepdad Jim. They’re both in lockdown but my Mom is in another building for higher levels of care.due to her Alzheimers. About ten of the 35 residents on her floor have died in the last month from suspected Covid-19.
My Mom’s been quarantined in her small room. We talk to her by phone almost every day. But it’s scary. My younger brother wanted to pull her out of the facility and have her live at his apartment with him until the virus situation subsides. It caused some friction with my stepdad and I played mediator. I’m sure we’re not the only family dealing with awkward and impossibly difficult decisions.
I’m glad my Mom is alive. Let’s start there. Others aren’t as lucky. She just got tested a view days for the virus and it came back negative. In a way, her memories issues might be a blessing. She is in-and-out about the virus and how it’s stolen the lives of those just outside her doorstep.
We’ll send her a card and flowers and call her on Sunday. It’s strange to not be able to be there for her as much as I’d like to be. The Alzheimers has been a challenging enough foe…. now we’ve got this virus, too.
I know there’s always been forms of dementia but it seems like more and more people are suffering from it. They call it “the long good-bye.”
I feel like we’ve inflicted paper cuts of death on ourselves and our planet day after day for so long…. it’s like now we’re realizing we’re in the twilight of humanity…. watching our long good-bye to our way of life, our country, our politics, our false sense of security, our health, our existence.
Things, people, plans… they seem to get more obscure and less important during times such as these; or not… maybe the opposite. Or both.
Stay strong Mom. Stay alive and strong. I’ll call you on Mother’s Day. I’ll send you a card, flowers…. it’s all I can do right now. Literally. It’s all I can do.
I love you, Mom.
THE STIGMA OF SHOPLIFTING (AND THEFT) ADDICTION Breaking The Vicious Cycle of Internal and External Shame
by Terrence Shulman
Recently on my private email support for recovering shoplifters and theft addicts-which I founded twenty years ago–the topic of jury duty came up.
The discussion focused on whether a potential juror who discloses a prior criminal record will or won’t/should or shouldn’t be kicked out of the jury pool. That was interesting enough but what was more interesting was when a couple of long-time members said that they’d be mortified to admit they’d been arrested and/or convicted of a theft offense–particularly in front of any other members of the jury pool–but would ask if they could answer any criminal history questions in private (with just the judge and attorneys present).
When I read that, I have to admit: I felt shocked, saddened, and even angry. Yes, call me naive, call me a dreamer, call me impatient. I know there will always be some shame and stigma to breaking the law, having an addiction (especially a theft addiction), and I don’t expect everyone (or anyone?) to be as shamelessly “out” about my shoplifting past and my ongoing recovery.
One of our members emailed me and the group this message: “Terry, you are not embarrassed because you have built a career out of helping shoplifters and having been one yourself is one of your selling points! Also your shoplifting was waaaaay in the past.”
True. But I know many people who come to terms with their past, their mistakes, their regrets, their addictions and have been able to speak openly and without much embarrassment or shame.
They say “Rome ain’t built in a day.” Dr. Bob and Bill W. held the first A.A. meeting in 1935 in Akron, Ohio. It took another 20 years before the A.M.A. (American Medical Association) declared that alcoholism was a “disease” and not a moral failing.
I’ve been in recovery 30 years for what I call “shoplifting and theft addiction.” I remember the paralyzing shame I felt about my stealing behavior and myself in general both during my 10-year secret life from age 15-25 as well as for the first couple of years after coming clean with my family and getting into therapy.
In 1992, I started one of the first theft-specific recovery groups in the U.S. (and, perhaps, the world): C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous). I think there’s been some growing signs of acceptance that one size doesn’t fit all… and not all people who steal are either kleptomaniacs (vary rare) or plain thieves (perhaps less rare but still). How many famous, wealthy people have we heard about in the news who’ve been caught shoplifting or stealing. We’re still waiting for Winona Ryder to admit she did it and to help validate this as a problem for millions. Where’s our Magic Johnson poster child?
Another member of our email group wrote, in essence, as follows: “How I wish the world was more enlightened. I shared this before, but I’d like to share it again: when I was caught the last time I went through diversion and attended a 4-hour class where 35 of us miscreants were gathered to learn to lead law-abiding lives. I was way older than most of them, who were 20-somethings. The facilitator had us go around and state what charge brought us there. When it was my turn, I was open and honest and admitted that I’d shoplifted. The facilitator asked me if it was the first time and I said ‘No. I have a theft addiction.” You should have seen the eyes and heads bob. There were a couple others there for shoplifting (one young guy readily admitting he steals to re-sell) but most were there for things like doing donuts in the road, low level drug offenses, etc. We later got into small groups of four for an exercise and one guy in my group said to me: ‘My family owns a liquor store and I hate shoplifters.”
I responded as follows: “Thanks for sharing this with us. I by no means wish to engage in a debate or argument or put any pressure on anyone to do anything but what he/she feels is best for his/her situation. With that said, I will just express my (probably rare and unique) perspective…
“I applaud you for your honesty in speaking up at your diversion group–even if eyes rolled in surprise, skepticism, curiosity, and even scorn from the comment that guy made in your small group. I have been pretty fortunate over the last 27+ years when I’ve been open with others about my theft addiction and recovery journey to be met with curiosity, acceptance and even admiration.
“But I’ve also had a few reactions that were not so nice from a few acquaintances, a few media people, a few fellow mental health professionals, some negative reviews of me and my book(s) on Amazon, and from a few disgruntled strangers by email. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t feel good.
“But I’m grateful and joyful when I hear people say that they can hold their heads up high and share their truth, their shame and/or fear diminished enough that they can withstand any judgment or criticism they may endure.
“The world doesn’t change when everyone stays silent. And, fortunately, everyone isn’t staying silent. I’m not implying that everyone should speak up. I respect each person’s right to say what he/she wants. But I do feel that–by and large–over the last 27+ years that I’ve been starting groups, being quoted in articles and
appearing in the media, speaking at conferences, writing court letters for clients from across the U.S., etc. that there is less overall judgment and more openness from the general public and the mental health and criminal justice system to the idea that not all people who steal are plain thieves and that stealing can be a form of a psychological disorder and/or an addiction.
“We’ll always have our cynics and detractors. I’m grateful that several of our online group members recently contacted the producer of a TV theft addiction series that I hope keeps moving forward. That people continue to be interested in understanding why people shoplift and steal makes me feel hopeful and encouraged that, one day, even less judgment and more acceptance will occur.
“I certainly can’t do it alone. No one person can. Imagine if the #metoo movement only had a few voices… it wouldn’t be a movement. I get that some people in recovery may not see things the same way. I get that we have the right to anonymity and confidentiality. And, it’s great when shame can be transformed into power.
“I applaud everyone on this group for first and foremost, committing to ongoing recovery to better understand why we steal, what we need to do to stop stealing, and to actually stop it one day at a time, so we each can live more happy, healthy and productive lives.
“I applaud everyone here who has shared with me and our group members.
“I applaud everyone here who has shared more openly about their stealing problem with family, friends, others.
“And I applaud those who’ve shared with their attorneys, probation officers, judges, diversion group members, or anyone else.
“We are educating the world one small step at a time for this generation and for future generations.
‘Hi, my name is Terry. I’m a gratefully recovering shoplifter and theft addict.”