THE DARK ORIGINS OF VALENTINE’S DAY
by
Arnie Seipel (National Public Radio)
Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate romance and love and kissy-face fealty. But the origins of this festival of candy and cupids are actually dark, bloody and a bit muddled. Though no one has pinpointed the exact origin of the holiday, one good place to start is ancient Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them.
From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog. then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.
The Roman romantics “were drunk. They were naked,” says Noel Lenski, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.
The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival – or longer, if the match was right.
The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Emperor Claudius II executed two men both named Valentine on Feb. 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.
Later, Pope Gelasius I muddled things in the 5th century by combining St. Valentine’s Day with Lupercalia to expel the pagan rituals, But the festival was more of a theatrical interpretation of what it had once been. Lenski adds, “It was a little more of a drunken revel, but the Christians put clothes back on it. That didn’t stop it from being a day of fertility and love.”
Around the same time, the Normans celebrated Galatin’s Day, Galatin meant “lover of women.” That was likely confused with St. Valentine’s Day at some point, in part because they sound alike. As the years went on, the holiday grew sweeter, Chaucer and Shakespeare romanticized it in their work, and it gained popularnity throughout Britain and the rest of Europe. Handmade paper cards became the tokens-du-jour in the Middle Ages.
Eventually, the tradition made its way to the New World. The industrial revolution ushered in factory-made cards in the 19th century, And in 1913, Hallmark Cards of Kansas City, Mo,, began mass producing valentines. February has not been the same since.
Today, the holiday is big business: According to market research firm IBIS World, Valentine’s Day sales reached $17.6 billion last year, this year’s sales are expected to total $18,6 billion.
But that commercialization has spoiled the day for many, Helen Fisher, a sociologist at Rutgers University, says we have only ourselves to blame.
“This isn’t a command performance,” she says, “If people didn’t want to buy Hallmark cards, they would not be bought, and Hallmark would go out of business.”
And so the celebration of Valentine’s Day goes on, in varied ways. Many will break the bank buying jewelry and flowers for their beloveds. Others will celebrate in a SAD (that’s Single Awareness Day) way, dining alone and binging on self-gifted chocolates. A few may even be spending this day the same way the early Romans did, But let’s not go there.
A BRIEF REPORT FROM MY ATTENDANCE AT
The 2nd International Conference on Trauma and Addiction:
Integrated Approaches to Attachment, Relationships, and Family Issues
by
Terrence Shulman
What a great 10-day vacation my wife and I just returned from last weekend. We started our trip in Scottsdale, Arizona where I attended a wonderful 4-day conference on Trauma and Addiction, The weather was great, the hotel was beautiful, and I enjoyed mingling with the other 300+ conference attendees who, like me, were mostly mental health professionals.
It’s been a few years since I traveled out of state to a conference, During the 15 years from 2003-2017 it seemed I attended several out-of-state addiction conferences per year–usually presenting at them as well.
The focus of this conference was on how trauma interfaces with addiction. There are three types of trauma:
- Acute trauma resulting from a single incident.
- Chronic trauma is repeated and prolonged such as domestic violence or abuse.
- Complex trauma is exposure to varied and multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature.
Trauma can affect our ability to be intimate with others and may impact our feelings of self-worth, The effects of trauma also can cause intense emotion, including extreme emotional fluctuations, unhappiness, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and irritability,
Trauma often negatively impacts our sense of physical and/or emotional safety, our sense of trust in others and/or ourselves or God; and our sense of the goodness, purpose and/or meaning in life.
Just about everyone has experienced some trauma. We even created a new term recently called “micro- traumas” which some people laugh at and others take quite seriously.
The primary difference between trauma and PTSD is the not in the severity of the event or trauma but the severity and length of the symptoms. The difference with PTSD is that the symptoms don’t decrease and people will feel worse.
So, needless to say, the conference had moments of heaviness and seriousness. But it was also loose, fun, and engaging. I’m still processing the experience and what I’ve learned and how to apply it to my work and to my own life.
Some of the highlights of conference for me included an opening night presentation and discussion by “Chicken Soup for The Soul” author Jack Canfield who spoke on “The Success Principles: How To Get From Where You Are To Where You Want to Be.” This famous multi-millionaire was very funny and down-to-earth.
Another highlight was a showing of the recently released 90-minute documentary “Cracked Up: The Darrell
Hammond Story” about comedian and actor Darrell Hammond, the longest-running cast member of
“Saturday Night Live” who is, perhaps, best known for his many impersonations of famous people.
particularly former President Bill Clinton. The film’s director introduced the film which outline Hammond’s
survival from ongoing and severe childhood physical and emotional abuse by his mother, his alcohol and
drug addiction, and his journey to recovery and healing.
I also attended some good seminars on codependency, psychodrama, and food and mood.
In between conference sessions, I enjoyed the sun, the outdoor pool, some great meals, and time with my wife and youngest brother who lives in Scottsdale.
It looks like they’re going to hold the 3rd Annual Conference next January at the same location. I’m planning on submitting a proposal to present on the relationship between trauma and compulsive stealing, spending and hoarding.
The remaining six days of my southwest trip including driving through the desert and mountains through New Mexico to visit friends in Albuquerque and Santa Fe and then through Northern Arizona (Sedona, Jerome, and Prescott) to visit a friend there.
We have such a beautiful country and we met so many beautiful and friendly people during our travels. It’s hard to believe our country is so polarized at times and we’re living through an impeachment trial. I just hope we’re not too traumatized by it all.
See: 2020 Past Trauma-Addiction Conference Brochure
A 90th BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE TO MY STEPDAD JIM
by
Terrence Shulman
My Stepdad Jim Jacobs is turning 90 years old on February 12th. My 80-year old mother, Madeline, started dating him in 1977-when I was 12 years old-about two years after she divorced my father, Robert, As you might imagine, it was a challenge for me to accept that my Mom was dating.
Jim the polar opposite of my father. Jim was slim, sober, straight-laced, punctual, and sold life insurance. My Dad was a wild card. He was a child prodigy pianist who later taught and performed before becoming a lawyer in his 30s. He suffered from severe bipolar disorder and alcoholism. He had a severe stroke at age 48 and spent the last 4 years in a wheelchair before dying in 1993 at age 53.
Jim was newly divorced when he met my Mom. He had two adopted children–a son who was my age and a daughter who was a few years ars younger. yo I I had no idea if Jim’s and my Mom’s relationship would last but, here it is-43 years later. They moved in together about 30 years ago and will celebrate 22 years of marriage this June. He helped my Mom find a good job which she turned into a good career. He’s been there for me and my younger brother even when we didn’t fully appreciate it, He’s made my Mom happy and she’s done the same for him.
My Mom and Jim moved into a nice senior living complex in metro-Detroit over 3 years ago due to my Mom’s progressive Alzheimer’s. This past October, Jim was diagnosed with colon cancer, Fortunately, because they caught it early, he was in good health, and there was a young doctor who specialized in colorectal surgery, Jim made it through his operation with flying colors. Though he showed some fear and vulnerability before he went under the knife, he was a devout atheist to the end. “Don’t pray for me,” he told a pastor from his senior living home who’d called him on the phone while my wife and I were with him in his hospital room.
Over the two weeks in October that Jim was dealing with his diagnosis, surgery, and recovery, he also helped facilitate my wife Tina’s and my moving my Mom out of their apartment into a higher level of “memory care” building in the complex. She’s been there for three months now and it’s been a difficult transition for her, Jim, and our family.
Jim has always been practical, steady, and rational about life in general and making difficult decisions. But over the last few years, in particular, he’s shared more emotion and more openly with me. He’s been extremely loyal to my Mom even when he’s expressed mixed feelings about placing her in a higher level of care.
As with any family member, Jim and I have had our ups and downs. But I feel very blessed to have him as a father figure and so, too, does my wife. Her father wasn’t much of a father to her and died nearly 20 years ago. Jim has taken care of his physical, mental, and financial well-being. His father died at 34 of colon cancer and might have lived longer if he had the medical expertise Jim received.
Life is short and I don’t know how much longer Jim or my Mom will be around. I’m more aware than ever to
appreciate the time and love we still have and we look forward to taking Jim and my Mom out for Jim’s 90th
birthday in a couple of weeks. Sometimes I think about what I’d say if I were to give a eulogy at his funeral.
But, for now, life is for the living. I feel grateful we are able to celebrate this family of ours as past, present,
and future changes take their course.