ON FREEDOM, INDEPENDENCE AND UNITY:
Now More Than Ever
by
Terrence Shulman
Singer Janis Joplin once sang in the song “Me and Bobby McGee”: “freedom’s just another word for nothing less to lose.” It’s an oft-repeated and iconic line. Many of us have felt the brunt of loss over the last yearjob, money, home, possessions, relationships, health, and beyond.
There’s no making light of loss, of course, but I recall a frienda recovering shopaholicwho lost her home, most of her job income, and truckloads of things she had accumulated over the years. As she downsized from her home to a smaller rental home to yet another smaller rental home and purged most of her non‐essential materials things, she remarked how much lighter, happier, and free she feels. She embarked upon a new chapter in her life and, with some anxiety, she felt hopeful and excited about the chance to reinvent herself and also reclaim parts of her authentic self which she had lost sight of.
Sometimes, things just weigh us down. Can you relate?
As we approach the U.S. 4th of July Independence Day holiday, take a moment to consider what freedom and independence mean to you? In these ever-challenging and globally volatile times, it is easy to focus on the importance of financial independence and freedom from anxiety. These are wonderful goals. Still, maybe we can appreciate whatever freedoms we do currently enjoy. For most of us, we have our physical freedom to move about and our freedom of self-expression and our freedom to pursue a life of authentic meaning and purpose.
We can also claim our independence from addictions and from dysfunctional relationships and our right to vote independently for what we believe in.
Freedom doesn’t just mean doing what we want to do every moment independent of others. We must co‐ exist among a multitude of individuals and systems with which we don’t always agree but compared to most systems and countries, we have many more rights and privileges which we too often take for granted. Life may not be perfect but this holiday allows an opportunity to soak in the gifts of freedom and independence that we may not have had in the past or may not have in the future.
America (and Americans) tend to value “rugged individualism” and “freedom” at all costs. But do we need to balance the “I” and the “We?” The current health insurance debate is a good example. As we seem to move further away from healthcare as a right to healthcare as a privilege, we seem to be going backward to a “survival of the fittest” state. But, as a nation, isn’t it in our collective interests to help our fellow citizens rather than close our eyes, minds, fists, and hearts just to make sure there’s more money for those who already have so much? Is this what our forefathers imagined as the “united” states?
A free society also needs to have a “free” press. But what happens when the press is under constant attack and there no longer such a thing as “facts?”
And what about democracy itself? As we struggle to get the basic facts about our last election and how much our faith in free and fair elections may have been impinged, we may be witnessing the erosion of an election system that used to be the envy of much of the world. Is this what we fought so many wars for?
And speaking of wars… Is there any rhyme or reason anymore for the wars we continue to fight.
So, whatever you’re doing this holidayrelaxing, spending time with family or friends, enjoying the weather and some fine foodslow down and embrace our freedoms and independencetwo of our greatest assets‐while we still have them.
On “Real Men”
Storytelling Script from June 18th Live Zoom Presentation
by
Terry Shulman
It’s June 27, 2015 and it’s my 50th birthday! My best friend Lee just turned 60 and our wives are throwing us a 50/60 birthday bash at their house. The weather is perfect, everyone’s having a great time, and the sweet-smokey aroma of Bar-b-Que fills the air. From noon to midnight, 100 friends and family arrive in waves and mingle in the front yard, inside the house, or out on the spacious back deck high above a pond.
I’m on top of the world! I’ve achieved every goal I’ve set. I have three college degrees. I own a home. I’ve been happily married 13 years to Tina. I have a successful career as an addictions therapist. I’ve authored and published four books. And I’ve had more than my 15 minutes of fame as a guest expert on TV including The Oprah Winfrey Show. I’d always been ambivalent about having kids, but just over year ago we rescued a blind 9-year-old dog named Bam Bam. He’s a black ‘n white Shih-tzu with Bulldog legs (aBull-Shit) and he’s the love of our lives!
Igot“TheQuan”—youknow,fromthe“JerryMaguire”movie:Igotmoney,love,respect,and community.
I’ve checked all the boxes. If I died tomorrow, I’d die happy! My legacy would be secure. Terry: he was a good man, a courageous man, a successful man. a real man.
I’m 50—which, in many cultural traditions—is the age men (and women) become “elders.”And since my Dad died at 53, making it to 50 was another one of my goals. My Mom divorced my Dad out when I was ten. I was thrust into the role of man of the house and helped raise my younger brother. Prior to this, my
Dad was my role model; afterwards, my Mom was.
My Dad was a brilliant man. He was a child prodigy pianist. He played recitals and soloed with the Detroit Symphony when he was 8. Later, he toured the globe and won competitions. And in his late 20’s—just after I was born—he hosted a classical music show on Detroit Public TV. Then he changed careers and became a successful attorney. We had a good life for a while. But like most men (and women, too), Dad had his demons. Two of those demons were alcoholism and bipolar disorder. And they were made worse by his inability or unwillingness to face them.
Nobody really told me how to be a man but I took most of my cues from my Mom and tried to be the opposite of my father. And, over the next two decades, that’s what I did. I suppressed my feelings, rarely talked about them, and never asked for help. This led me to start shoplifting over the next ten years. I lived a double-life until I hit bottom in the middle of law school—after two arrests. I felt suicidal and finally came clean with my Mom. I came crashing down from my pedestal as “the perfect son” which felt both humiliating and liberating. And I got into therapy, which saved my life.
My Dad eventually got sober and we gradually grew closer when I was in my 20s. Then he suffered a massive stroke at age 48. It nearly killed him and left him unable to walk or talk. Over the next four years, he was wheelchair-bound and—despite my best efforts to visit him, help him, and lift his spirits—his will to live slowly evaporated. He started drinking in the last year of his life and died in 1993. I was 27. For the next two years, I felt angry, relieved and guilty for feeling angry and relieved. I once heard a saying: “A man becomes a real man when his father dies.” I don’t know if that’s true but my dream of finally having a “real
Dad” died with him…
It’s 2am and my 50th birthday and my 50th birthday party are over. I’m exhausted. I lay down to sleep. My thoughts wander and I hear my own voice: You’re 50. You’re an elder. You have a great life. You don’t want to die in your 50’s like your Dad. Take a break. You’re burned out. Shore up your marriage. Spend more time with Bam Bam. Take life as it comes. And it comes…
Two weeks later, I receive a text about John, my recovery buddy of ten years. His sister found him unconscious on his kitchen floor. I knew he’d been grief-stricken after the recent death of his mother. I’d tried calling and texting him but he didn’t respond. His sister said he’d stopped eating and fell into a diabetic coma. I visit him in the ICU. This former Marine with a heart of gold and walked with a cane was reduced to a shell. A month later, they move him into a nursing home—and, a few months after that, his sister told me they’re taking him off life support. I force myself to visit him one last time before he dies. He was just 57. I just feel numb.
Three days before Christmas, my 30-year old “spirit son” Frankie calls me and tells me he feels completely lost. Fifteen years ago, Frankie and I were matched through a Detroit mentor-mentee program. We clicked right away. A few years later, he moved to Nashville, found one good job after another, married a single Mom, adopted her teenage son, and had three boys with her. Frankie and I spoke monthly, visited each other every other year, and he’d just started calling me “Dad.” This time, his voice sounded different. He admitted he had a drinking problem, an affair, and didn’t know if his marriage would survive. My heart broke. A few months ago, he was doing great! But I shouldn’t have been surprised. Frankie and I were a lot alike. We took care of everyone and just pushed through. I often worried who’s gonna take care of
Frankie?”
My wife joined me on the call. We both told Frankie we loved him, told him we are here for him, and that he’ll get through this. I told him to call me whenever he needed, and promised we’d drive down to visit after the holidays We did drive down after Christmas for his funeral and his “Home going”He died in a late night car accident the day after Christmas. As with my Dad’s and John’s funerals, it was standing room only for Frankie’s. Another life cut short. Frankie’s father—who’d been missing in action due to a drug addiction— wailed at the casket for a son he barely knew. My wife cried on and off for weeks. I felt devastated yet couldn’t shed a tear. My numbness deepened.
As 2016 began, my 76-year old mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She’d been foggy and forgetful the last few years. I had trouble absorbing any more bad news. One of the few things that brought me a sense of peace, strength and grounding was my backyard fires in my fire bowl or fire pit. These hourlong fires felt meditative, cleansing, and primal—as if connecting me with the spirits and the ancestors. But my wife Tina had become increasingly sensitive to the smell of smoke. Despite my best efforts to accommodate her, it just didn’t work. She didn’t seem to understand why I couldn’t just give them up. I couldn’t understand why she just couldn’t let me have them now and then. We had some intense arguments that ruptured our relationship. Now I had a fractured marriage to deal with, too. And, frankly, it was too much. I started spending more time on my living room couch with my dog Bam Bam who seemed to be the only one who kept my heart aglow. Man’s best friend. Who rescued whom? I threw myself back into work— counseling others to work through their feelings and not shut down. I didn’t shoplift, but I started bingewatching politics on TV late into the night, snacking and drinking more, exercising less, and allowing my creativity and marriage to languish. Two years ago, I turned 54. I outlived my Dad, but felt less like a man and more like a lump! Not long afterwards, my buddy Lee said to me: “Terry, I’m worried about you. You’re becoming like your Dad.” I rejected this outright… but I knew he was telling the truth. I was slowly checking out. My inner light was dimming, my inner fire was extinguishing. When Covid hit last year—just before my 55th birthday—it felt like a convenient excuse to hunker down, stay the course, and just survive. But I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to take some kind of action. So, I called a posse: I emailed my two brothers and 20 buddies to set-up a weekly Men’s Zoom Group as a way to stay connected and support each other at least until the Covid craze was over. Between March 2020 – May 2021 we had hourlong meetings each Saturday or Sunday. Sometime there were ten of us, sometimes there were two of us. The group didn’t solve all of our problems but it kept them from getting worse. And it kept me from sinking below the water line. I turn 56 on June 27. I must have had this notion that turning 50, becoming an elder, having The Quan, and outliving my father meant I could successfully face whatever life brought me or took away. I was wrong. Dead wrong. So here I am, still pulling myself out of a five-year funk. I’m working towards being able to look in the mirror and like who I see. I can’t go back to who I was when I was 50 and I thought I had life by the balls because, obviously, I didn’t. Fuck The Quan! I’m just trying to face the loss of my friend John, my son Frankie, and myself. I’m grappling with the uncertainty of my marriage and the challenges of my Mom’s illness. And my Stepdad and Uncle Joe are pushing 92 and my dog Bam Bam’s almost 17—that’s 119 for you and me! Truth be told, I’m as confused today about what a real man is as I ever was. I know it’s a fantasy that a real man—or even an elder—knows how to figure it all out and make everything better. And I’m sick and tired of comparing myself to my father and putting any more pressure on myself not to end up like him! Right now, I have two main objectives: to feel my feelings, face my grief, and learn how to say good-bye so I can feel my feelings, face life and re-learn how to say hello! And to somehow keep my inner fire burning as brightly as possible.
FREEDOM FROM ADDICTION:
What Are The Signs of Addiction And How To Overcome It? Many people who are addicted to drugs alcohol and/or other behaviors have seen the destruction their many people who are addicted to drugs, alcohol and/or other behaviors have seen the destruction their addiction has done to themselves, their lives, and the people who love and care about them. They see the negative side of addiction and yet still cannot find the strength on their own to fight their addiction, to take a stand for themselves, their lives, and their happiness.
For most addicts waking up in the morning, their first thought is, “how do I get my fix?” They may have moments of clarity when they realize the destruction and want to make a change. However, they are too afraid to make that stand by taking the first step. For those addicts who think they do not have the strength or willpower to stand up to their addiction, their oppressor, there is hope. The number one factor in getting clean is the desire to overcome it. Becoming sober is the hardest part of sobriety but every year thousands of people accomplish this goal. Thousands of people make the change in their life for something better, for freedom from their addiction. They have a dream to survive, they have a dream to do and be better, they have a dream to create a life for themselves that addictions took away. They see what has held them back from achieving their full potential and they confront it head-on. These people reached that moment of clarity where they knew that if they didn’t change their addictions were going to consume them completely. They would either end up in jail or dead from an overdose or some other drug-related occurrence.
Standing Up To Addiction
Even after years or decades of addiction, there is still hope. Every day there are new discoveries in ways to help one overcome their addiction, more understanding of the addiction and any co-occurring disorders, and more people overcoming their addiction who know what works and what helps. Every day is another step in the right direction. There are thousands of people who stand up for those afflicted with addiction everyday. Most everyone has been affected by addiction in some way or another. People have their own addictions or have had family members or friends with addiction, and far too many lives have been taken because of it. With new therapies being used such as recreational therapies, sensory integration therapy, occupational therapy, and looking at co-occurring disorders, all help those with addiction get clean and maintain their sobriety. The use of alumni programs allows newly sober people and long-term sober people to keep in touch with and meet each other, to meet other people who know exactly what they have gone through and can offer tips and advice for those who need it.
Make Your Dream Of Sobriety A Reality!
Call our team to review your benefits and help place you in the most appropriate rehab facility. Help, hope, and freedom from addiction are available. Many people have found strength for many different reasons with the words spoken by Martin Luther King Jr. in 1963: “I have a dream today … I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low. The rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight.” We all know why these words were spoken in their original context, but in today’s world, there are new oppressors and new freedoms being sought. One of the biggest oppressors in our time is drugs. Whether it is the people being forced to pick coca leaves to support their families, the women and children being used as drug mules to avoid death or thousand of citizens who fall prey to the drugs for numerous reasons.
Get Help To End Your Addiction
Once someone becomes addicted there is little anyone else can do to end the addiction. The substance and/or addictive behavior has taken control of one’s life. Every time you use alcohol, drugs, or engage in certain addictive behaviors, they change your brain chemistry and cause you to become dependent, even after just one use. Thousands of dollars are spent by a single user every year to support their habit. Families are broken up because the user’s main concern becomes the drug instead of their loved ones. They stop caring about school, work, their futures, and themselves.
With the right help, the right support, and the right recovery treatment, these users can find the way back to their dreams.With these things,these users have the chance,the opportunity to achieve their dreams that drugs, alcohol and/or addictive behaviors have stolen from them. It is time to stand up to your oppressor and free yourself from your addiction. Free yourself from the downward spiral drugs bring into everyone’s life. Free yourself from a life without dreams, a life without hope, and a life without happiness. Stand up and take those things back for yourself. What dreams have addictions kept you from achieving? Do You Have A Dream of Being in Recovery? If you want to make that dream of freedom from addiction a reality, there is hope! Contact us by calling 248- 358-8508 or emailing terrenceshulman@theshulmancenter.com.