FATHERS: WHY BOTHER?
Here’s Why…
by Terrence Shulman
Last month I shared a column (updated from a previous column) about how our mothers impact our lives- emphasizing how our mothers often wound us in various ways, wittingly or unwittingly. As Father’s Day approaches, it seems only fair to examine and discuss how our fathers impact us, too.
My father would have turned 82 this June 19th. (My mother just turned 82 in March). Unfortunately, my father died 28 years ago at age 53. I’m about to turn 56 at month’s end and, in the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder (and hope) if I’ll live longer than my Dad.
Six years ago, one of my best buddies, who is just a few months younger than I am, called me to tell me he’d recently suffered a mild heart attack and had to have two stents placed in two of his arteries one which was 80% blocked. “Genetics,” he said as his own father had died of a heart attack many decades ago at age 38!
I’ve talked to many men whose fathers had died and who became increasingly at least mildly anxious about whether they’d outlive their father’s age at death. Now I get it. Since men tend to die on average of 8 years earlier than women, chances are good that many of us are spending this Father’s Day without the physical presence of our fathers, and it’s more common for children (including adult children) to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers. There’s a bad joke that goes: “Why do men die younger than women? Because they want to.” The sad truth is that far too many men see and feel life as a burden and have trouble tapping into the deep joy, awe and meaning of life… even just their own lives. I’ve felt this myself and I have no doubt my father did as well. It’s been said that many of us have grown up with a “father hunger” due to the not uncommon lack of exposure and nurturing by the positive masculine.
Since my Dad’s birthday and Father’s Day fall around the same time each year, I do my best to be aware of
my feelings and where I am in my ongoing grieving process. What is most present for me lately is some
sadness that my father is not around to witness and share in the joys of my accomplishments and
adventures.
I am the oldest of 3 brothers. Each of us has been impacted by our father’s life and death and the way he fatheredor failed to fatherus. I think I can speak for each of us in feeling confused, disappointed, and hurt by the fact that our father had so many great qualities and talents which we admired but which, sadly, were undercut by his alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and various personality tendencies which left us feeling like we, essentially, had to raise ourselves.
While our relationship with our motherno matter how old we areis likely the most important, primal and fundamental relationship we’ll have, fairly recent research and personal anecdotes from both sons and daughters point to the importance of our relationships (or lack thereof) with our fathers. As with mothers, I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “father issues” are at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems and, therefore, how important it is for us to acknowledge, understand,
and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our fathers whether they are actively in our lives or Some of the most common reasons both men and women have father issues include the following:
not. mentally ill and was not able to be physically and/or emotionally present
- a father died early in a child’s life
- a father was addicted and/or or committed suicide; and attuned to his child:
- a father was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with his child;
- a father appeared to favor one of his children over another;
- a father needed rescue, help, or companionship and his child played the role of partner or parent;
- a father held unrealistically high expectations of his child and the child became inauthentic to receive mother’s love/approval;
- a father was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward his child;
- a father had little natural or cultivated interest in being a father to his child;
- a father betrayed his child’s confidence in some way;
- a father was “perfect” and modeled this in a way his child felt unable to compete with;
- a father was overly critical of his child;
- a father was overly domineering or controlling;
- a father committed infidelity in his marriage & her child knew;
- a father encouraged his child to tell or keep secrets;
- a father broke the law and/or modeled dishonesty; and
- a father was physically and/or emotionally absent due to working all the time or for some other reason(s).
The core effects of the situations described above often result in persistent feelings of neglect, abandonment, trust issues, low self-esteem/self-worth, codependency/caretaking others, as well as unresolved emptiness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Which of the above issues seems to resonate with you? There may be many other ways to express the wounds or conflicts that develop around our relationship with our fathers then are listed above. Have you had any experiences with this?
I recently read something about love that was powerful to me. It noted that it’s important to cover “the four A’s: Attention, Affection, Appreciation, and Acceptance.” Stop and think about this for a bit. How does this land with you? When you think about your relationship with your father, do/did you feel he was attentive? Was he affectionate with you in an appropriate, nurturing way wit hugs, kisses, or even a pat on the back? Was he appreciative of you, your feelings and your unique gifts, talents and efforts? And was he accepting of you with all your foibles, mistakes and so-called shortcomings? That’s real love, huh?
We all know that no parent is perfect and even those of us who are parents ourselves get to realized life’s cruel joke: we often become like our parents or at least learn to appreciate how hard it must have been to them to raise us! As we grow up (and, hopefully, we do) we learn to differentiate from our parents, need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and develop compassion for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they likely were raised). But this doesn’t mean it’s easy. We are taught to honor thy parents but that doesn’t mean we don’t speak our minds our share our hearts.
Ideally, we often look to our parents to be a safe space to share our pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn’t mean they don’t share their own pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary role of a parent is to be strong and mature enough to absorb their child’s expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try to see the gift in their child’s courageous, if imprecise, offering of their pain, their perspective. This is the ideal and, of course, it’s painful when we don’t get this from parents.
In this context, wouldn’t it be great ifthis Father’s Dayinstead of cards and ties, we could give the gift of honesty, our father could receive it lovingly, and we would return the favor?
PRESS RELEASE May 11, 2021
Shoplifting and Dishonest Employee Average Case Values Increased in 2020
According to Jack L. Hayes International’s 33rd Annual Retail Theft Survey!
WESLEY CHAPEL, FL Jack L. Hayes International, Inc. released today the results of their 33rd Annual Retail Theft Survey which reports on over 184,000 shoplifters and dishonest employee apprehensions in 2020 by just 22 large retailers, who recovered over $81 million from these thieves.
“While temporary store closures due to the Covid-19 Pandemic resulted in fewer thieves being caught stealing in 2020, the average shoplifting case value increased 13.0% and the average dishonest employee case value increased 3.8% over 2019,” said Mark R. Doyle, President of Jack L. Hayes International, Inc.
Mr. Doyle added, “As expected, the Covid-19 Pandemic clearly affected apprehensions and recovery dollars in 2020, with shoplifting apprehensions and recovery dollars down 43.8% and 36.5% respectively; and dishonest employee apprehensions and recovery dollars down 20.3% and 17.2% respectively. However, those participant retailers designated as ‘essential’, saw overall apprehensions rise 7.9% and dollar recoveries increase 9.1% during 2020.”
Highlights from this highly anticipated annual theft survey include:
- Participants: 22 large retail companies with 18,594 stores and over $500 billion in retail sales in 2020.
- Apprehensions: Participants apprehended 184,621 shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2020, down 41.3% from 2019. Note: “Essential” retailers’ apprehensions increased 7.9%
- Recovery Dollars: Participants recovered over $81 million from apprehended shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2020, down 30.0%. Note: “Essential” retailers’ recovery dollars increased 9.1%
- Shoplifters: 158,158 shoplifters were apprehended in 2020, down 43.8%; and over $49 million was recovered from these shoplifters, down 36.5%. Note: “Essential” retailers’ shoplifting stats were up 8.6% (apprehensions) and 15.3% (recovery dollars).
- Dishonest Employees: 26,463 employees were apprehended in 2020, down 20.3%; and $32 million was
recovered from these employees in 2020, down 17.2%. Note: “Essential” retailers’ dishonest employee stats were up 2.7% (apprehensions) and 0.1% (recovery dollars). - Case Averages: Total Thefts: $ 440.48, up 19.2% in 2020. Shoplifters: $ 310.11, up 13.0% in 2020. Employees: $1,219.61, up 3.8% in 2020
COVID-19 PANDEMIC CLEARLY AFFECTED 2020 APPREHENSIONS AND RECOVERY DOLLARS!
While temporary store closures due to the Covid-19 Pandemic resulted in fewer thieves being caught stealing in 2020, the average shoplifting and dishonest employee case values increased. Highlights from this year’s survey include:
✓ Participants: 22 large retail companies with 18,594 stores and over $500 billion in retail sales in 2020.
✓ Apprehensions: Participants apprehended 184,621 shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2020, down 41.3% from 2019. Note: “Essential” retailers’ apprehensions increased 7.9% in 2020.
✓ Recovery Dollars: Participants recovered over $81 million from apprehended shoplifters and dishonest employees in 2020, down 30.0%. Note: “Essential” retailers’ recovery dollars increased 9.1% in 2020.
✓ Shoplifters: 158,158 shoplifters were apprehended in 2020, down 43.8%; and over $49 million was recovered from these shoplifters, down 36.5%. Note: “Essential” retailers’ shoplifting stats were up 8.6% (apprehensions) and 15.3% (recovery dollars) in 2020.
✓ Dishonest Employees: 26,463 employees were apprehended in 2020, down 20.3%; and over $32
million was recovered from these employees in 2020, down 17.2%. Note: “Essential” retailers’ dishonest employee stats were up 2.7% (apprehensions) and 0.1% (recovery dollars) in 2020.
✓ Case Averages: Total Thefts: $ 440.48, up 19.2% in 2020. Shoplifters: $ 310.11, up 13.0% in 2020. Employees: $1,219.61, up 3.8% in 2020
Jack L. Hayes International, Inc. SURVEY PARTICIPANTS
➤ 22 Large Retail Companies (Dept, MM/Big-Box, Specialty Apparel, Supermarkets)
➤ 18,594 Stores (representing an excellent cross-section of the United States)
➤$507,977,933,327 in Annual Retail Sales (2020)
TOTAL RETAIL THEFT APPREHENSIONS
Difference 2019 2020 #/$ Pct. Apprehensions 314,494 184,621 -129,873 41.3% Recoveries $116,179,408 $81,321,617 -$34,857,791 – 30.0% Avg. Case Value $369.42 $440.48 $71.06 19.2% Retail
Theft Apprehensions Breakdown:
SHOPLIFTING Difference 2019 2020 #/$ Pct. Apprehensions 281,300 158,158 123,142 43.8% – Recoveries $77,189,446 $49,047,059 -$28,142,387 36.5% Avg. Case Value $274.40 $310.11 $35.71
13.0% Recoveries $152.870 815 $87 396 416 -$65 474 399 42 8% (No Anprehension Made)
DISHONEST EMPLOYEES Difference 2019 2020 #/$ Pct. Apprehensions 33,194 26,463 – 6,731 – 20.3%
Recoveries $38,989,962 $32,274,558 -$6,715,404 – 17.2% Avg. Case Value $1,174.61 $1,219.61 $45.00
3.8% (Note: 2020 results impacted by store closures during Covid-19 pandemic.)
TOTAL RETAIL THEFT
- Survey participants apprehended a total of 184,621 dishonest individuals (shoplifters and employees) in 2020, a decrease of 41.3% from the prior year. Dollars recovered from those apprehended thieves decreased 30.0% to $81.3 million in 2020. (“Essential” Retailers’ stats up 7.9% and 9.1%.). For every $1.00 recovered by our surveyed companies, $33.15 was lost to retail theft. Therefore, only 2.9% of total retail theft losses resulted in a recovery.
SHOPLIFTING - Apprehensions: Survey participants apprehended 158,158 shoplifters in 2020, a decrease of 43.8% from the prior year. (“Essential” Retailers reported apprehensions up 8.6%) • Recoveries: Dollars recovered from shoplifting apprehensions totaled over $49.0 million in 2020, down
36.5% from 2019. (“Essential” Retailers reported recovery dollars up 15.3%) • Recoveries (no apprehension): Dollars recovered from shoplifters where no apprehension was made (over $87 million) decreased 42.8% in 2020. - Case Value: The average shoplifting case value in 2020 was $310.11, an increase of 13.0% from 2019 ($274.40).
EMPLOYEE THEFT
- Apprehensions: Survey participants apprehended 26,463 dishonest employees in 2020, down 20.3% from Retailers reported apprehensions up 2.7%)
- Recoveries: Dollars recovered from dishonest employee apprehensions totaled over $32 million in 2020, down 17.2% from 2019. (“Essential” Retailers reported recovery dollars up 0.1%)
- Case Value: The average dishonest employee case value in 2020 was $1,219.61, an increase of 3.8% from 2019’s average case value ($1,174.61).
CODEPENDENCY What Are The Signs And How To Overcome It?
by Joaquin Selva (Positive Psychology October 22, 2020)
Codependency refers to a psychological construct involving an unhealthy relationship that people might share with those closest to them.
It was originally thought to involve families of substance abuse but has since grown to include other types of dysfunctional relationships.
Read on to learn about what codependency is and how it can affect people, how to recognize signs of codependency, and resources for learning more about and overcoming codependency.
If you wish to learn more, our Positive Relationships Masterclass is a complete, science-based training template for practitioners and coaches that contains all the materials you’ll need to help your clients improve their personal and professional relationships, ultimately enhancing their mental wellbeing.
This Article Contains:
- What Is a Codependent Personality Disorder? Definition & Meaning
- 20 Signs Of Codependency
- Codependency Quiz & Tests
- 5 Books About Codependency
- Codependency Treatment: 5 Codependency Worksheets
Codependent Parents: Consequences for Children - A Take Home Message
- References
What Is a Codependent Personality Disorder?
Originally, “the term ‘codependent’ described persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person” (Lampis et al., 2017).
Modern understandings of codependency now refer to “a specific relationship addiction characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence-emotional, social and sometimes physical-on another person.” The concept of codependency does still apply to families with substance abuse issues but is used also to refer to other situations too. The main consequence of codependency is that “[c]odependents, busy taking care of others, forget to take care of themselves, resulting in a disturbance of identity development” (Knudson & Terrell, 2012).
Cermak (1986) argued that codependency should be defined in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), borrowing diagnostic criteria from alcohol dependence, dependent personality disorder (DPD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), histrionic personality disorder, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
This argument was unsuccessful and the DSM-III-R (the next revision) did not include codependency as a personality disorder. The DSM-5, the newest edition of the manual, still only refers to DPD, not codependency.
Codependency does not only overlap with DPD but also with BPD, which is one reason some research has dismissed the idea of codependency making up its own personality disorder. One study found, though, that while codependent people do share some overlap with DPD and BPD symptoms, there are also people who exhibit codependency without exhibiting symptoms of DPD and BPD (Knapek et al., 2017).
Codependency can be distinguished from DPD because codependent people are dependent on a specific person(s), while people with DPD are dependent on others in general. Codependency can be distinguished from BPD; while BPD includes instability in interpersonal relationships, it does not involve dependence on That said, research shows that while codependency does appear to constitute a distinct psychological construct review some of the signs of codependency.
other people.
To sum up, codependency is a psychological concept that refers to people who feel extreme amounts of dependence on certain loved ones in their lives, and who feel responsible for the feelings and actions of loved ones. Codependency is not recognized as a distinct personality disorder by any version of the DSM, including the DSM-5, the most recent version.
That said, research shows that while codependency does overlap with other personality disorders, it does appear to constitute a distinct psychological construct. The best way to learn about codependency is to review some of the signs of codependency.
20 Signs Of Codependency
What does codependency actually look like? Some of the things that have been found to correlate with codependency include (Marks et al., 2012):
- Low self-esteem;
- Low levels of narcissism;
- Familial dysfunction;
- Depression;
- Anxiety;
- Stress;
- Low emotional expressivity.
Other signs of codependency include (Lancer, 2016; Mental Health America, n.d.):
- Havingahardtimesayingno;
- Having a hard time saying no;
- Having poor boundaries;
- Showing emotional reactivity;
- Feeling compelled to take care of people;
- Having a need for control, especially over others;
- Having trouble communicating honestly;
- Fixating on mistakes;
- Feeling a need to be liked by everyone;
- Feeling a need to always be in a relationship;
- Denying one’s own needs, thoughts, and feelings;
- Having intimacy issues;
- Confusing love and pity;
- Displaying fear of abandonment.
Codependency Quiz & Tests
The simple presence of the above signs does not mean someone is codependent, but a high number of
these signs may indicate codependent tendencies.
One way to do this is with codependency tests, like these:
Friel Co-Dependency Assessment Inventory from Mental Health America of Northern Kentucky and
Southwest Ohio (1985)
This test consists of 60 true-or-false questions. A score below 20 is little need for concern, a score between
21-30 should be a moderate need for concern, a score between 31-45 is moderate towards a severe need
for concern, and a score over 46 indicating a severe need for concern.
Codependency Test from Hamrah
This test consists of 26 simple yes-or-no questions that can get one to start thinking about codependency
in their own relationships. Answering yes to five or more questions indicates that the test-taker may be
codependent.
This is not a professional diagnosis, but it is a good way to start evaluating codependent behaviors in one’s
own life.
Are You in a Codependent Relationship?
This article from WebMD serves as a sort of open-ended quiz about whether or not one is in a codependent
relationship and suggestions for what to do next. With input from psychologists, it offers up a few signs of
codependent relationships to get the reader thinking about whether or not their relationship is codependent.
Characteristics of Codependent People
A checklist by Melody Beattie consisting of over 200 items has been adapted into a shorter version, called
the Beattie Codependency Checklist, which has been used in peer-reviewed research on codependency
(Wells et al., 1999).
There is no scale at the end which determines the taker’s level of codependency, as it is rather meant to
contextualize a vast set of behaviors and thoughts into a codependency framework.
5 Books About Codependency
For people who want to learn more about codependency, here are some great books about codependency.
These books are particularly helpful for people who fear they are codependent and want to overcome their
codependency.
- Codependency For Dummies – Darlene Lancer (2015). 2nd Edition.
This book, from a licensed marriage andfamily therapist, can be an excellent introduction to codependency
for people who do not know a single thing about codependency.
The book is aimed at people who think they might be codependent and includes a number of actionable
tips one can take to break their codependence. Available on Amazon - Shifting Codependency Patterns
This worksheet is a helpful way to identify some emotional and behavioral patterns and tendencies that are
related to codependency. It contrasts unhealthy ways that people with codependency think about
themselves with healthier ways that people think about themselves.
This worksheet is an actionable way to shift thought and action patterns to begin recovering from
codependency. - Codependent Relationships: Beliefs, Attributes, and Outcomes
Finally, Codependent Relationships – Beliefs, Attributes, and Outcomes is a brief, informal checklist that is broken down into the beliefs, attributes, and outcomes of codependent behaviors in relationships. While not a formal test, it is a good way to evaluate codependent behaviors and thoughts in one’s interpersonal interactions as well more generally inlife interactions, as well more generally in life. This delves into healthy versus codependent thought patterns and behaviors.
Codependent Parents: Consequences for Children
Codependency was originally thought of as a disorder that affected the children and spouses of alcoholics
and substance abusers.
Research has shown that codependency is not unique to the children (or spouses) of alcoholics, though, as many types of family difficulties can lead to codependency (Cullen & Carr, 1999).
In fact, having a codependent parent can lead a child to codependency as well.
This is due to the tendency that people who have been “parentified” as children are more likely to be codependent (Wells et al., 1999). The concept of parentification refers to “the reversal of the parent-child role,” or when a child is forced to serve in a parental or care-taking role towards their own parent.
This is usually due to the parent not having had their own developmental needs met while they were growing up.
Since these codependent children grow up not having their developmental needs met either, this can create a cycle of codependency passed down from generation to generation.
Being codependent can be particularly harmful for parents of addicted children (Clearview Treatment Programs, n.d.). Codependent parents of addicted children can enable their children’s addictions, even when they think they are helping.
This is one of the ways that codependency can be especially tricky – often people with these tendencies believe they are being helpful, or that their actions are necessary for the other person in the relationship.
The most effective treatment for codependency is therapy, whether group or individual, to understand the ways in which someone feels they must care-take for another’s emotional state.
This work can be hard to identify in ourselves, so having a supportive professional help us untangle these relationships can be crucial.
A Take-Home Message
For years, the concept of codependency has been criticized for being ill-defined, but over the last few
decades, the construct of codependency has become more well-defined and well-researched, as it has
been fitted with an empirical base.
Most importantly, codependency has been recognized as a relationship dynamic that affects people with all
sorts of childhood trauma, not just the children or spouses of alcoholics or substance abusers.
For people who are codependent, there are plenty of ways to overcome codependency. Aside from seeking
professional help, there are all sorts of worksheets and books (such as the ones highlighted above) by
people who have overcome codependency. The most important thing to remember is that while everyone
has loved ones and feels responsible for those loved ones, it can be unhealthy when one hinges their
identity on someone else.
Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own actions and feelings.
What is your experience with codependency? Are there relationships in your life in which you or the other
person tend to exhibit codependent tendencies? Are their relationships from cultural movies or TV shows
that provide examples of these kinds of relationships?