THE MOTHER OF ALL OUR ISSUES?
by
Terrence Shulman
Mother’s Day is around the corner and the holiday often brings up strong emotions which may triggers relapses into addiction. So be prepared and be on guard! For me, this will be my first Mother’s Day since my mother passed away five months ago at age 82 after a 10-year battle with Alzhemier’s disease.
The relationship between mother and child–no matter how old we are–is likely the most important, primal and fundamental relationship we’ll have. I can’t tell you how often in my counseling practice that clients’ “mother issues” are at the very root of their addictions and relationship problems. This is not to blame mothers, per se, as no mother is perfect. But it is important for us to acknowledge, understand, and do our best to heal old (or newer) wounds and to develop a healthier relationship with our mothers whether they are actively in our lives or not.
Some of the most common reasons both men and women have mother issues include the following:
1. a mother died early in a child’s life or committed suicide;
2. a mother was addicted and/or mentally ill and was not able to be physically and/or emotionally present and attuned to her child;
3. a mother was overtly/covertly seductive/sexual with her child;
4. a mother appeared to favor one of her children over another;
5. a mother needed rescue, help, or companionship and her child played the role of partner or parent;
6. a mother held unrealistically high expectations of her child and the child became inauthentic to receive mother’s love/approval;
7. a mother was physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive toward her child;
8. a mother had little natural or cultivated interest in being a mother to her child;
9. a mother betrayed her child’s confidence in some way;
10. a mother was “perfect” and modeled this in a way her child felt unable to compete with;
11. a mother was overly critical of her child;
12. a mother was overly “smothering,” domineering or controlling
13. a mother committed infidelity in her marriage & her child knew;
14. a mother encouraged her child to tell or keep secrets;
15. a mother broke the law and/or modeled dishonesty.
Which of the above issues seems to resonate with you? The core effects of the situations described above often result in persistent feelings of neglect, rejection, abandonment, self-doubt, low self-esteem/self-worth, codependency/care-taking others, as well as loneliness, depression, anxiety, and anger. There may be other wounds or conflicts that develop around our relationship with our mothers besides those listed above. Have you worked through any of these issues or does it feel like you still need to?
Because I didn’t have the best role model for a father, I found myself feeling ashamed to be a man, not trusting men or authority, and quite confused about both women and what I wanted to do with my life. Fortunately, I had a great therapist who encouraged me to read books about men’s issues and to participate in men’s support groups and retreats where I found I was not alone, began to trust men again, and to see the positive aspects of men and authentic masculinity.
We rarely talked about or looked into our relationships with our mothers in my men’s groups. It’s been theorized that the reason the “men’s movement” of the 1990’s petered out was that we didn’t know how to individually and collectively deal with our mother issues and, so, we kind of nit a wall. At least for most men, regardless of sexual orientation, our issues with mother often are more subtle yet also more scary and dangerous.
Compared to my father’s more obvious failings, my mother was a saint. But in the past few years, events led me to come to the conclusion that I had to deal with my mother issues, too. For me, part of this arose in the context of my 10 year marriage to my wife. It’s not uncommon for men to have issues with their wives that are, at the core, issues with mother or “the feminine.” How many men, when asked to do something by their wives or face perceived criticism, feel like a 5-year old being ordered or scolded by mother.
I also realized that I’d continued to play the good son role despite having made progress on this. I still felt scary to speak up more, share my feelings and truth, and risk my mother’s love–I’d been so used to being her protector, her biggest fan. I had to come to terms with my mother’s (and my own) limitations in our relationship. I’ve been learning to let go of that primal desire to have “mommy” be there for me as I continue in adulthood and it’s my judgment that my mother has had to learn that I won’t always be there for her as I was in the past. I think we both needed to be knocked off our pedestals a bit. It’s been painful for both of us but necessary, too.
It’s natural to look to Mom (or Dad) to be a safe space to share our pain and our opinions (even if it hurts them). It doesn’t mean they don’t share their own pain and opinions back but, I believe, a primary role of a parent is to be strong and mature enough to absorb their child’s expressions, to model this even, and to be secure enough even in their imperfections to listen, try to understand, and try to see the gift in their child’s courageous, if imprecise, offering of their pain, their perspective.
As we grow up (and, hopefully, we do) we learn to differentiate from our parents, need them less (emotionally, financially, etc) and develop compassion for them (they did the best they knew how to do given how they likely were raised). But this doesn’t mean it’s easy. We are taught to honor thy parents but that doesn’t mean we don’t speak our minds our share our hearts.
I also am slowly coming to realize, as my mother ages, that she won’t always be around: Mom is mortal. She just turned 76 this year and is dealing with both some physical and cognitive changes. The question arises: what do I/we need to say to my/our mother or feel in my/our heart so /wel can be as complete as possible when she passes?
I can only say that when my wife and my friends are able to hear each others’ grievances and concerns without attacking back or defending (and when I can hear them), it creates safety and trust and deepens our relationships. I can’t think of a better way to honor each other. In this context, wouldn’t it be great if–this Mother’s Day–instead of cards and flowers, we could give the gift of honesty, our mother could receive it lovingly, and we would return the favor.. before it’s too late and Mom is no longer with us.
WAY MORE THAN ROSEBUD!
California’s Most Famous House
Was A Battle With Willam Randolph Hearst’s
Shopping Addiction
by Victoria Kastner (April 2022)
One trial for Julia Morgan involved having to contend with William Randolph Hearst’s rapidly accumulating purchases, as Julia’s longtime employee Walter Steilberg explained: “Miss Morgan had to deal not only with the visible client across the table from her, but also these other clients who were peddling antiques to Mr. Hearst from all over the world.” A lifelong art collector with widely eclectic interests, W.R. described himself as “like a dipsomaniac [drunkard] with a bottle.” When art dealers showed him things, he had to buy, and his timing was opportune.
1000 American port duties were lifted on out that were the told what began co trickle of fine objects leaving Europe became a flood after 1918, when war-torn countries needed funds to rebuild, and long-held British fortunes were devoured by inheritance taxes. W.R. haunted New York’s art galleries and auction houses, maintaining the same high level of involvement in every art-buying decision that he displayed in every building decision. His possessions fitted so seamlessly into San Simeon’s architecture that it is easy to assume he had purchased everything prior to construction. In fact, he owned less than 5 percent of the hilltop’s approximately twenty thousand objects before 1919. Julia incorporated Hearst’s expanding collections into her constantly evolving design, while simultaneously maintaining the estate’s atmosphere of symmetry and balance. Her Beaux-Arts training proved the perfect preparation for this difficult endeavor.
Unlike most prominent American art collectors-including financier J.P. Morgan and industrialist Henry Clay Frick-W.R. specialized in the decorative arts (furniture, metalwork, pottery, and textiles) rather than concentrating on the fine arts of painting and sculpture. Hearst’s collections ranged widely in quality as well as in age, origin, and category, since he bought whatever appealed to him. He was particularly interested in antique ceilings, buying dozens of Spanish examples from the American art dealer Arthur Byne. Julia had known Arthur’s wife, Mildred, during her years in Paris, and her letters to the Bynes (who became permanent residents of Spain) were remarkable for the frankness with which she expressed her opinions. Julia clearly felt that W.R. was on the losing side in many of his transactions: “I think you will find you will have a very appreciative and interested client. He has been so thoroughly the victim of some of his dealers that he will, on his side, greatly appreciate real knowledge and fair treatment.”
Julia provided the Bynes with a candid description of San Simeon:
“We are building for him a sort of village on a mountain-top, miles from any railway, and housing collections as well as his family. Having different buildings allows the use of varied treatments.. his So far we have received from him, to incorporate in the new buildings, some twelve or thirteen [train] carloads of antiques, brought from the ends of the earth and from Prehistoric down to late Empire in period, the majority however, being of Spanish origin. They comprise vast quantities of tables, beds, armoires, secretaries, all kinds of cabinets, church statuary, columns, door frames, carved doors in all states of repair and disrepair, overaltars, reliquaries, lanterns, iron grille doors, window grilles, votive candlesticks, torcheres, all kinds of chairs in quantity, six or seven well heads. I don’t see myself where we are ever going to use half suitably, but I find that the idea is to try things out and if they are not satisfactory, discard them for the next thing that comes that promises better. There is interest and charm coming gradually into play.”
On another occasion she sent them a similarly lengthy list of diverse objects, all located in the Assembly Room (Casa Grande’s largest sitting room, with dimensions of 83 by 31 feet), and staunchly concluded, “Now, I know it sounds frightful, but it is not!”
Julia was San Simeon’s sole interior decorator, a responsibility she preferred to keep for herself. Walter recalled, “She had a horror of decorators coming in and spoiling a house…” Hearst’s most recent acquisitions were sent to the four warehouses they built along the coast, where staff members photographed each item and noted its dimensions. After examining these photos and corresponding with Hearst, Julia incorporated the selected article into her design scheme, even though the object was seldom the proper size. She wrote to W.R. about his third-floor bedroom suite: “The Gothic Sitting Room ceiling is in and Gyorgy [a woodcarver] is finishing it. It took some real good nature on the part of the ‘wormers’ [craftsmen who were antiquing the modern portions] to match up new with old work.” Sometimes this complicated process of amalgamation surprised even Julia, who confessed to the Bynes: “I have developed an absorptive capacity that seems ungodly when I stop to reflect.”
It is possible to glimpse Julia at work on the hilltop because she uncharacteristically consented to appear in a home movie that Hearst shot in 1921. Titled The Lighthouse Keeper’s Daughters: A Romance of the Ranchos, it was a silent melodrama that W.R. wrote, directed, and starred in-as John Jenkins, the dashing hero-with his wife, Millicent, costarring as his damsel in distress. In Julia’s scene, she stands with them both in front of Casa del Sol the center cottage, clearly under construction-and unrolls a drawing that they peruse, one is smiling апd relaxed, what might be a calla my tucked to mere-one is smiling and relaxed, wearing what might be a Calla my tucked internatanu.
W.R. penned this affectionate title card to explain Julia’s role in the story: “You now detect/The architect/With patient gaze/She views the plans/That are no man’s/Hers is the guilt/For what she built/And hers the praise.”
In addition to being the sole architect and interior decorator, Julia was also San Simeon’s presiding landscape architect. She and W.R. determined every aspect of the estate, including positioning the buildings, selecting the plants, and hiring the gardeners. They even had four enormous two-hundred-year- old live oaks (Quercus agrifolia) moved in order to ensure that the trees were located in the most picturesque spots. This unprecedented effort involved encasing each tree’s massive root system inside a huge concrete basin, which they were then able to move with winches. All four trees survived their relocation. W.R. and Julia both revered these majestic native oaks. When a grass fire threatened the buildings, his first telegram to her read, “Think fire very serious; would rather have building burn than trees.” Their other priority was showcasing the hilltop’s unparalleled vistas, which stretched for more than 100 miles in nearly all directions. W.R. declared at the beginning of construction: “The main thing at the ranch is the view.” Creating spacious patios on the precipitous slopes was difficult, as Julia explained to the Bynes: “… all garden work is on steep hillsides, requiring endless steps and terracing.”
Julia had largely completed the initial garden design in 1922, when she suggested that W.R. should hire the Bay Area artist Bruce Porter as a landscape consultant. He was a polymath who had designed the stained-glass windows for San Francisco’s Swedenborgian Church and the gardens at Filoli, William Bowers Bourn II’s bucolic Woodside estate 30 miles south of San Francisco. When Porter visited San Simeon in 1922, he was dazzled by its scope and beauty. Julia revealed: “Am just back from San Simeon with Mr. Porter-that is, what is left of him… As [I] thought probable, he grasped the place as a whole and from the painter-as well as planter-viewpoint.” Porter produced an enthusiastic report early in 1923, writing: “Even now, with but three of the buildings completed-they strangely magnify themselves into the bulk and importance of a city.” W.R. was delighted with Porter’s observations: “Very wonderfully good report many artists could have spent a lifetime on the property and not have made as good a one.” Porter’s summary also mentioned a location below the cottages where W.R. and Julia had already decided to build a water feature. Hearst noted in the margin: “This should be a very romantic spot, a place for young lovers -and maybe old ones.”
It proved a prophetic description, because on this site Julia eventually designed the unforgettable Neptune Pool. It features a classical temple façade, made from six ancient Roman columns that support a seventeenth-century statue of the site’s namesake, Neptune, the Roman god of the sea. The pool’s 104- foot-long oval basin-located in front of the temple is 3 to 10 feet deep. It holds 345,000 gallons of shimmering water, filtered and heated for year-round use. No evidence exists to prove that Julia even knew how to swim, but she brilliantly understood how to transform a utilitarian swimming pool into a stunning garden feature.
Built over fourteen years, in three different versions, the Neptune Pool provides one of the best examples to blend disparate elements into a seamless whole. Hearst acquired the columns (which combine ancient and modern elements) from a Roman art gallery in of Julia’s ability 1922. Later that year, he wrote to Julia with the news that he had purchased three freestanding statues of Neptune and two sea nymphs: “This Neptune fountain though not beautiful is quaint, and although the nymphs are not over attired the dominant figure is an elderly gentleman with whiskers who lends respectability to the landscape-for those at least who don’t know his record.” They sunk these figures into concrete so they would resemble a carved relief in the temple’s pediment. W.R. also commissioned Parisian sculptor Charles-Georges Cassou to carve four marble statues of nymphs caressing swans, as well as the Birth of Venus sculpture group located in the alcove opposite the temple. By day the pool’s curved marble colonnades frame far-reaching views of the ocean and mountains; by night, they form spectacular floodlit reflections in the still water. It’s no wonder that in the 1990s the distinguished architect Charles Moore referred to the Neptune Pool as “a grand liquid ballroom, for the gods and goddesses of the silver screen.”
DOES PUNISHMENT ACTUALLY WORK? Ht Depends on What You Mean by ‘Punishment.”
by
Patrick Coleman (April 2018)
For many American parents, the word “punishment” evokes visions of children crying under the admonishing gaze of red-faced adults. These ideas of angry, tear-inducing retribution for misdeeds are tangled deeply in the nation’s Calvinist roots. After all, the first colonists rarely met a punishment they didn’t like, particularly when it came to children, whose mortal souls were in such peril that a brutal whipping was more admirable than an eternity in hell due to disobedience.
But at its core, punishment is a simple and useful psychological tool. It is the counterpoint to its more gallant sister: reward. Whereas reward is a mechanism that increases a behavior, punishment is a mechanism that decreases a behavior. As such it can be subtle, or it can be brutal. But it is not a punishment unless it decreases a behavior.
“If you think about punishment in a technical sense,” suggests Dr. Nancy Darling, Chair of Psychology at Oberlin College, “then raising my voice is a punishment.” But only if it changes a behavior. Which means much of the effectiveness of a punishment relies on the kid a parent is punishing, how and why the punishment is leveraged, and the expected outcomes after the punishment.
The most important point is that punishment should not erode the foundational relationship between a parent and a child. Punishments, or even threats of punishments, that threaten a child’s sense of safety, for instance, are particularly damaging and ineffective. So are punishments that are not tied to reasonable consistent rules.
These types of punishments might lead to short term acquiescence, but it rarely lasts. “If you’re just trying to gain compliance nce then you need to assert power all of the time, which is exhausting,” says Darling. “And it does not work when you’re not there.”
Kids who are consistently punished just for the sake of compliance, without consistency or reason, will also become anxious. That’s because they will not know how to behave in the absence of external power, according to Darling.
So the real trick is in using punishment only when there are well established rules, based on values. “If you’re setting reasonable rules that your kid understands and are consistent, then most of the time they will do what they’re supposed to do,” says Darling. “Sometimes they won’t, because it’s a pain in the neck.”
When that happens, Darling suggests reminding kids about the legitimacy of your request. Parents should take some time to reminding kids that they have a duty to the family, like everyone else. If a child still decides to make a choice not to comply, then sometimes a punishment is necessary.
However, there should be no punishment without love, explains Darling. “The one thing that gives parents real power with their children is unconditional love,” she says. “They need to know, ‘I’m always here for you. I may be disappointed in you. I may be pissed off at you. But I always love you.’
And that’s where reward should be applied. But reward does not have to be fawning praise, or medals or candy and toys, explains Darling. In fact, it can be as simple as heartfelt gratitude. And it works. But only if a parent uses the reward consistently. “It’s a habit,” Darling says. “We need to say thank you to our kids all the time. It’s not a big deal. That’s all you need for a reward.”
HAVE A SAFE MONTH & NEW YEAR, AND REMEMBER: LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE OF IT!